A Happy New Year to you.
One thing after another has prevented me from being an
active blogger in recent weeks. I’m very happy to be back.
I over-think things. I worry. My head is full of the crazy
imaginings of ‘worst case scenarios’ and if the thoughts were visible it might
look like a flow chart of What Ifs. Actually no, because flow charts are
organised and logical, and my mind is not.
The cruel What Ifs are currently busy. Recent health issues
made me give in and reluctantly visit the doctor. Tests, then more tests and a
hospital referral to reassure me, only it doesn’t reassure, the prospect is something I find
scary and full of What Ifs. These particular What Ifs, dormant during my busy
day, line up and take turns to confront me when they are magnified by my
tiredness.
A saying from childhood keeps coming back to me, ‘If ifs and
ands were pots and pans there’d be no work for tinker’s hands’. I don’t know
what it really means, feel free to enlighten me, but I think it’s telling me
not to worry about things I can’t control.
Our fourth grandchild, a girl, is days away from being born.
She could decide to arrive any time and we are excited to meet her. Our
daughter and her partner want me to be there at the birth, as I was for their
boys, and I hope I can be. This is another set of What Ifs, dearie me, but
these are nice ones.
Here are a few of my worrying thoughts.
What if I lose the desire to write?
What if I don’t have the power to fight?
What if the words start refusing to rhyme?
What if I find I’m running out of time?
What if I go off Italian food?
What if my mood is forever subdued?
What if I can’t have Tia Maria?
What if I can’t feel my loved ones are near?
What if I can’t hear the music I choose?
What if there’s no Mozart or Moody Blues?
What if I forget all that I have known?
What if I forget all that I was shown?
Thanks for reading, Pam x
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