I going to blog about something I don’t tend to talk about in great length day to day. Partly because it’s far too painful to discuss, and it’s the thing that out of everything I hate most about my condition.
I have had Cerebral Palsy from birth and as a result, the bits of my lifestyle that many people feel sorry for me about are, quite frankly, water of a Duck’s back. I can cope with limited mobility, the constant pain, the feeling of being an outsider… That’s fine, no sweat, I can deal with that.
What devastates me is the fact that from the age of 11 I have had to deal with death. I am now in my mid 20’s and there are four of my classmates left, that’s four out of a class of 12.
I have been through at least 1 death, occasionally more of my closest school friends every year since I was 12. Every time it gets harder, you’d think I’d of find away of coping, but I haven’t.
People often wonder why I don’t have many disabled friends. The honest reason is because I don’t want heartache, having a disabled friend is like having a puppy, they are extremely loyal, but there is a high chance you will outlive them. And we all know how sad it is when Rex dies
The thing that killed my friends wasn’t a freak accident, but their disability. These kids weren’t idiots who got pissed every night and took drugs, they weren’t on a mission to be an arse, they wanted to live life and that chance was taken away from them.
That’s what makes it so sad, not only have I lost my best friend, and several close friends, but they didn’t even get a chance.
Coping with a large amount of grief, affects you. it can’t not. My experience has left me unable to dream and get carried away with the ‘what ifs’ and planning for the future. It makes you realize that life is too short for planning things down to a tee you should enjoy life for what it is. After all you might not be hear tomorrow.
At the same time, it makes you feel more responsible, my friends were robbed at a chance of living, of falling on love, getting a job and having a good time. They can’t do it anymore, so, the people left behind do.
Grief focuses your mind, makes you realize who and what is important, That worrying and moaning about the small stuff is pointless and most of all grief gives you aims and ambition. At the risk of sounding like a hippie wanker, we’re not here for a long time, If you want to make your mark, do it quick. If you make mistakes so what, means you learn something. So you have enemies, well you’ve got passion an conviction in your existence.
My friends would have loved to be here with me, who am I to waste my life, to not try and walk this earth with the believe that the world owes me a favour.
Me and my eldest Friend have been friend since birth, when we were born we were put next to one another in the Special Care Baby Unit, when we started school, we ended up in the same class and have ever since then been very close. He’s more like a brother than a mate really.
He and I were always very outspoken, we had hopes and ambitions, plans that were dreams and we were the ones constantly reaching from the stars, if someone discouraged us, we’d do our damdest to prove them wrong and we often did.
When the 1st death happened and we were left feeling weird, it made me whole heartedly believe that I’d work in Television. There was no question in my mind, I visualized it.
What followed was years of hard work, I found that the more friends that passed away, the more drive I gained to do well, to love life.
The hard work paid off and I worked for the BBC for a year and a half. I now work as Marketing and Press Manager for a local craft resource centre… I got there and I’m making the most of the time I have on this planet we call earth. My friend wanted to become a DJ and Producer, and again with hard work and a determination that is impossible to shake, he’s done it. He supported Coolio this week.
It was only when I texted him to send congratulations and luck the night before that I realized what we’d achieved. I am immensely proud of not only me, but him. We’ve not bad for two disabled people, who have on many occasions been written off and misjudged, at all times we kept reaching for the stars.
When you are one of only four of the close knit group of friends stuff like this is massive, it’s massive by any means but it’s even bigger all things considered. When a person you care about passes away, you don’t loose them you gain the responsibility of living.
I can only hope I’ve done you proud.
