I would hate to be my husband, a friend of mine or even a family member. I know all too well that I am not the easiest person to live with or be around, hell I don’t even like me sometimes.
I don’t mean to be off, sharp or rude with people, its generally never in my nature to want to hurt anyone, but the truth is I am wary about letting anyone get close to me.
Why?
Because I have always been let down, hurt or abused by those closest to me
Of course my children are an exception, I love them dearly
If I allow someone in, I am giving them an open invitation to let me down, hurt me or leave me , that is how I view people around me, always as the enemy
Hurt and abuse is all I have known, its difficult to accept there are genuine people out there who care for you
My nan was the only adult in my life always to be there, yet she died, she left me and im not sure I ever recovered from that. Something changed that day, perhaps that was the trigger to all that followed later, I will never know.
“We Build Walls Around Our Hearts To See Who Cares Enough To Knock Them Down”
I have built walls as a safety net, I can’t see them and I have to remind myself that I am working at taking that wall down, brick by brick
I surround myself with an invisible force which forbids connections getting through, if I don’t love someone then they don’t matter to me and therefore can not hurt me, was the logic behind it
Of course its difficult for my husband to have to deal with me, while I push him a way, thankfully he sees something in me that I don’t don’t. But he cares enough to try to brake through that wall and he has proven time and time again, he is doing it for one reason and that’s because he loves me.
Its taken me years to finally accept his motive, its been just as much an emotional roller-coaster to try to make him understand why there are days I push him further away.
Being bipolar as been a testing time for my husband, family and friends, while some have more or less disowned me, others prefer to take a less in your face approach and just pretend not to see me when they do. Not many stood by me.
I became a reject
Unwanted by the circle of friends who once would have spent time talking to me
And so I began to build a wall around my heart to stop it from being broken again and again but in the process of doing this to protect myself, I was pushing those who were worthy of being close to me aside
Its difficult to brake down a wall once its built, but I am trying
I have learned to forgive those who have hurt, left me or abused me. I had to forgive in order to move on. I forgave them for my own benefit.
I accept not everyone out there will hurt me, or mean too
Building walls protects us, offers us safety BUT it can also make us bitter and lonely
