I have a hard time believing that some sins are deal breakers, that some sins cut us off forever from the sight or presence of The Lord. If that were true then the Atonement is powerless and spiritual prison is pointless. Forget what you've been told about deal breaker sins because Jesus tells us we can never be so lost that we cannot be found, that we cannot repent and be made whole again.
I used to smoke cigarettes daily, I used to smoke marihuana daily and I used to drink various alcohols daily. I refused to settle down in a relationship because mine always ended so badly and I wound up in a psych ward because of them. But when I met my wife things began to change, I stopped getting high and drinking because I wanted to look after the children and may have had to drive at a moments notice so I couldnot drink or get high. I desperately want to help my wife feel better from her lupus and additional medical ailments and after watching her father give her a blessing during a hospital stay
I decided I wanted to be ordained to the priesthood so I could bless her too. I had my fun and it wasn't all bad but it was superficial whereas my family has done more than heal my pain, they have made me whole.
In Hebrew the word for perfect means to be made whole. It does not mean blemish free. We were blemish free, we were sinless in the pre-existence so if blemish free and sinless were really the goals then we never would have left to come here, into this messy, sinful and tragic life. We came here to grow and progress and find out who we really are, and to fail until we succeed at being alive, at being spiritual.
So when Jesus healed, He often said "Your faith has made you whole." But in Hebrew He said "Your faith has made you perfect." A sinless life makes you Jesus but a faithful life makes you whole, makes you perfect.
Maybe our idea of perfection being blemish free needs to be reworked into the original Hebrew definition of being made whole.
I regret that my sins have hurt those I care about, or those I barely knew, or even myself but I do not regret my pain. My pain has taught me things about myself and others that I could in no other way come to know. My pain as much as my joy has been crucial to my enlightenment, so far as I have become so. My pain as much as my joy has made me who I am. But above all I cannot change my past no matter how badly I may want to. Making peace with my pain has also been crucial to my understanding of my life and my ability to move on with the knowledge that I cannot change who I have been but only who I become.
I have changed but I have so much more changing to do.
