Humor Magazine

Warning: Dying May Cause Death

By Dianelaneyfitzpatrick
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathYou’ve probably seen these funny warning labels before. I’m posting them anyway because a) they continue to be stupid funny even the second and third time you see them and b) you never know when someone might accidentally eat a peanut, not knowing it contains peanuts, because names and labels can be so confusing these days. So this blog might save a life.
Manufacturers claim they’re forced to put warnings on their product labels that are obvious to everyone except Amelia Bedelia, because if they didn’t, someone would do something misuseful and then sue the pants off of them, claiming that they didn’t know any better.
A Forbes article wraps it up nicely: “These cases basically boil down to two principles. First, companies must take care not to put customers in ‘unforeseen" danger, assuming that those customers act in a "reasonable’ manner when using a product or service. Repeatedly jabbing a bottle of Coca-Cola in your eye and suing for damages probably wouldn't fly in court. Second, companies have to provide sufficient warning of "foreseeable" danger. Hence the proliferation of all those goofy warning labels on products and websites.”
I don’t know about you, but that makes me want to repeatedly jab a bottle of Coke Classic in my eye, just to see what happens. The article said probably wouldn’t fly in court.
So here are some real life product warning labels. Read them and obey. Or die.
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathDon't operate car when sunshade is in place.
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathThis product may contain nuts.

Warning: Dying May Cause DeathThis product may contain eggs.
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathMay cause drowsiness.
Warning: Dying May Cause Death
Do not use while sleeping.Unless you're that girl from the weird addictions show who sleeps with her hair dryer, and then you go, girl.
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathContents may catch fire.
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathThe Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents . . .
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathDo not put any person in the washer.
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathNot to be used for navigation.
“But captain, we can’t be in the Bermuda Triangle. The cocktail napkin says we’re headed straight for Persia”
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathKeep pet birds out of the kitchen when using this product.
“Many animal owners call us inquiring about it,” a company spokesman for Bialetti cookware said.  Well, many animal owners are idiots.
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathDo not use for personal hygiene.
Unless you smell like a latrine.
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathThis product moves when used.
God willing.  Warning: Dying May Cause DeathAsk a doctor before using if you have difficulty urinating due to an enlarged prostate.
Warning: Dying May Cause DeathDo not eat iPod shuffle.
Who says Apple products are intuitive?

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