Debate Magazine

WANTED: Dangerous Cult Leader Escapes!

By Eowyn @DrEowyn


North Pole (AP) – Cult leader, Santa Claus, escaped capture following a late night surprise raid on the cu­lt’s ice-forti­fied head­quar­ters deep in Alaska’s remote frontier.

Claus refused to answer federal warrants listing numerous crimes including producing and transporting merchandise without federal permits, employing physically disabled “elves” without minimum wage guarantees or medical insurance through The Affordable Health Care Act, child abuse charges, suspicion of illegal use of drugs, failing to file flight plans, and animal abuse of reindeers.

Elements of the federal gov­ern­ment, the US Army, and the Na­tional Guard, wait­ed throu­gh­out the dark Arctic day on December 24 for the surviv­ing elves and their leader to surrender to federal mar­sha­ls. Efforts to negoti­ate with Claus were suspended just before midnight when Claus failed to answer the phone. Claus had earlier claimed that he was just finishing an im­por­tant document that he had been work­ing on throughout the year. Claus is reported to have said that he had to check his list over twice, after which he would leave the Toy Facto­ry. Offi­cials took this to mean that Claus would surrender at mid­night after completing the document he had been work­ing on. The list is thought to be the Naughty/Nice list named in a search warrant and reported to be evidence in the federal arrest warrant naming Claus as a child abuser who has men­tally abus­ed chil­dren for years by threaten­ing to withhold gifts to modify behav­ior.

Shortly after midnight, when it was apparent that Claus was not going to surrender, more than 100 federal agents and combat infantry soldiers, together with large-tracked snow machines and helicopters provid­ing rocket and ma­chine gun cover, at­tacked the gin­ger­bread facility where it was said that Claus and cult followers manu­fac­tured illegal weap­ons, radios, boots, and other mili­tary hardware. ATF spokesman Charles Steele said that tear gas was intentionally used to sub­due the remain­ing elves in order to protect federal agents from possible harm. Claus is also suspected of using cocaine in order to produce the massive quantities of ille­gal products to be left in homes after entering illegally. Federal agents have ex­pressed fear that drugged elves would present a great risk and would need to be defensively gassed.

Witnesses on the scene reported that neither Claus nor any elves was seen within the building just before the attack. Within mo­ments of the arrival of the first wave of armor, smoke was seen coming from a side win­dow. Within minutes the factory was engulfed in flames re­ported to have been ignited by timed incendiary devic­es left by fleeing elves who, according to federal marshals, intended to destroy evidence. Commanders on the scene apparently allowed the build­ing to burn to pro­vide warmth for their sol­diers in the sub-zero arctic cold. Stee­le, in a hasty press con­fer­ence, con­firmed that an under­ground en­trance had been locat­ed in the ashes and that inves­tiga­tors have fol­lowed a tunnel to what appears to be an alternate runway and hanger area. Evi­dence left on the scene appears to con­firm ru­mors that two black, un­marked sleighs being pulled by camou­flaged reindeer were seen moving toward the south in the sky. Air Force AWACS aircraft later confirmed that two objects were seen headed south, but could not determine their destination or direc­tion with certainty as radar showed Claus to be in many different places at once.

Sourc­es near the scene support the theory that Claus and the surviving elves, together with an unde­termined cargo and an unknown number of livestock, fled. Steele comment­ed, “Their where­abouts is unknown at this time, but we have reports coming in from all over that Claus is again dis­tributing illegal weapons. Rifles, shot­guns, ammunition, reloading supplied, sur­vival gear, and MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) are showing up under trees in thou­sands of homes across the country. One US Marshal spoke off the record saying that Claus is the head of a gang of super patri­ots bent on overthrowing the govern­ment. He said, “We are certain that a conspiracy exists. No doubt Claus is making contacts throughout his net­work to­night. We do not know where he is now, but we will find him and bring both Claus and his cult fol­lowers to jus­tice.”

Unconfirmed sources say that a whiskered man, surrounded by short camo-clad people has been seen among leaders of a group calling itself the Alaska Militia. It is thought that Claus had been alerted to the pending attack by members of the Alaska Militia through an internet forum they call The Network.

United States Attorney General Eric Holder was unavailable for comment and is reported to be golfing with President Obama in the Bahamas.

H/t Alaska Citizens Militia and FOTM’s Wild Bill Alaska!  :D


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