Have you been naughty and forgotten to bring your bento to work?
Let me tell you a horror story of just one of the many terrible outcomes that could befall you with…..
The Wall’s Sausage & Egg Breakfast Muffin!
I saw this abomination in my local convenience shop reduced from a whopping £1.99 to a slightly less whopping £1.49.
I was feeling rather despicable at the time so I picked it up.
“Wall’s Full of Flavour”, but what flavour?
We shall soon find out.
“Juicy Wall’s sausages, topped with an egg and a cheese slice in a breakfast muffin”
Hold on a minute.
Firstly who the bloody hell puts cheese with sausage and egg?
Apparently it’s the usual topping, just like the old faithful bacon….and…cheese….muffin…?
I forgot this was America for a second, silly me.
Note to self, cheese goes on everything.
Wait. This IS England.
Secondly it clearly says “Juicy Wall’s Sausages” plural, and yes, the purely fictional picture shows what looks like two as well.
We will see why that’s a problem later.
In fact, just look at that muffin, it might be the last remotely tasty looking sausage and egg muffin you get to see before the reality of this one comes out of the packet and is burned on your brain for all eternity.
Also, processed cheese?!?!?
Cheese was one thing but this stuff?
It was clearly a suggestion by some demonic being whispering to the makers of this, helping Wall’s destroy food as we know it.
Lets look inside.
Now, I’d like to point out that I don’t wash my pictures out and in fact that is the real color of that sausage.
In fact, I think it looks even worse in person.
If the pale, almost white in places, color doesn’t put you off then I’m sure the appetising wrinkles will help.
….and yes, sausage.
Instead of the two “juicy” ones on the pack you just get one skanky sausage cut in half.
At least we have a tasty egg to make things better…..wait, where’s the egg?!
I found it!
It was hiding under the bun top, stuck there.
I also found the delicious processed cheese slice!
I’d just like to point out if you hadn’t realised already just how tiny this thing is.
It was in a package bigger than the cardboard “tray”, then inside, the muffin is even smaller than that tray.
For scale, that piece of “cheese” is the usual size you’d find and hopefully not buy in your local supermarket and it is too big for it.
It looks like they used quails eggs or something for the fried egg though I’m sure we couldn’t expect quality like that from this product.
I have to say though, considering this should be £1.99 it’s a complete rip off even if it had quality ingredients in it, 1 sausage and a tiny egg in a tiny bun with a slice of 1p cheese food on the side.
Just look at that sausage on the right, ergh, the less said about what that looks like the better.
Speaking of the quality of ingredients, lets have a look at what went into this shall we?
Holy hell.
For the muffin we have all the usual stuff like flour, water…well, that’s about it for normal.
Caster sugar is the third highest ingredient on the list!
Pasteurised whole egg, vegetable oil, yeast, oh good, all things we recognize as food.
Distilled Barley Malt Vinegar…what?!?
Why is there vinegar in a muffin?
More things that look okay for human consumption.
Then we have emulsifiers, yummmmmmmm, Diglycerides of fatty acids, mono and diacetyl tartaric acid esters of mono.
Mmmmmmm, mono.
So basically a recipe that should have 5-6 ingredients at the most has 20 ingredients in it…….and we haven’t even got to the sausage yet.
For the sausage we have 61% pork, 39% mystery.
The mystery contains these tasty extras:
Water, rusk, potato starch, wheat fibre, salt, vegetable protein, dextrose, a couple of E numbers, onion powder, preservative.
Yeast extract; to make those little sausages rise you see, antioxidant so the other things in this don’t kill you, herb extract, spice extracts and color.
If your kids are playing up and they have eaten Wall’s sausages, it’s not too much of a enigma why is it?
For the fried egg mercifully it is just an egg and some oil.
At least it’s not one of those egg omelets featured on Subway and McDonald’s turd burgers that would survive a nuclear war.
Then again, it is going to be a microwaved fried egg so maybe it’s almost as bad.
Yeah…lets not explore the ingredients of that cheese shall we?
Just to add insult to injury which we shall soon be having from eating this thing, their website is called “www.wallsproperfood.co.uk”.
I’m guessing this site is only legal because it’s Wall’s idea of what proper food is, not anyone else’s in the world ever.
Before we cook this thing I’d just like to point out the “salt equivalent” in one of these tiny abominations is a third of an adults average per day, 2g.
Disturbingly enough it looks pretty much the same as when it went in except a bit wetter.
That sausage skin just….there are no words.
The instructions says heat the muffin then serve with the cheese slice…..no thank you.
My husband wouldn’t actually let me eat this thing, probably because he had the very real fear that I could mutant into something hideous after just one bite so he put on some ketchup and bit in himself.
Ignoring the fact that it truly looks like a face crying out for death, he said the egg was rubbery and tasted of nothing to the point that it was absolutely horrible, but to take away from that there was a slight taste of fish, thank Heavens for that eh?
The sausage had “a hint of sausage taste, but not much”.
As you can see, it pretty much looks like mush formed into something disguised as food.
The bun surprisingly didn’t make it any worse.
In his words, “Thank God for ketchup”.
Sadly it doesn’t even come with any.
I’m sure it would have been better with the cheese.
I’m lying.
