Vulnerable, Anxious, Sad?

“We’ve got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.” – D. H. Lawrence

We have never seen a vulnerable side of you ... Do you get anxious, sad, etc.?

Last week I was having a tete-a-tete with my readers on Insta-Stories and one of them asked me the above question. I guess I was in one of those moods that I started typing and then went on and on and on ... Hence, this blog post because if I am gonna type something which is three paragraphs long, it is going on the blog. Period.

So to answer the question, I would describe myself as a reticent person. Especially when it comes to expressing emotions. I am never excessively happy or sad. I do get anxious, and sad and upset and scared and whole rainbow of emotions but I rarely ever show or share them. The only people who would tap on my energy would be the ones living with me. And even with them I would exist in my truth (aka upset or unhappy) but might not necessarily choose to share. I am just not a sharer.

Whenever I am not feeling myself or am upset I tend to retract from the world. I become a bum, indulge in binge-eating, trash-tv-watching or cooking. Cooking really calms when when I am not feeling myself. I always choose to live through my feelings, figure out why I am feeling the way I am feeling, what can I do to change my situation and then I make peace with whatever it is that is bothering me.

I am not someone who wallows in any one emotion for too long. I don't tend to have conversations about my feelings while I am going through them. It never works out for me. Talking about unpleasant things or emotions makes me feel worse and not better. When I talk about stuff before I have had a chance to process it myself, it becomes all consuming from inside-out and and floats over my head. It feels like the words have contaminated the air and now there is no scope to breathe. I lose clarity of my own thoughts if someone else's opinions are added to the muddle of my emotions. Even if it takes a while I prefer to just be on my own. That is just how I deal with unpleasant emotions.

Very early on in my life I had realized that no one can console me or make me feel better about any situation. I usually have to do that for myself. I am analytical and pragmatic so if something doesn’t make logical sense to me then I don’t tend to waste much of my time on it. One of the tools I use is to write down what is bothering me. There is something about seeing words outside my head that I can’t figure them out better. I try and live in the moment and work through my thoughts on my own.I guess that's why no one sees my vulnerable side.