Pearl

LATEST ARTICLES ( 713 )

• The Beauty of Habit; Or Sorry – I Used All My Brains Earlier Today

  Having started a new job here at Acme Gravel and Grommets, a Worldwide Octopus Corporation, almost two weeks ago now, I’m here to tell you that the key to bette... Read more

  Posted on 28 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Distracting the Monkey

  

  I wipe away my sweat mustache. The man on the mat next to me does so as well, which, given our proximity, seems almost intimate. But to tell the truth, in a... Read more

  Posted on 27 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• I Have Your Body On Line One

  After weeks and weeks of little beyond data entry and other nominally trainable-monkey tasks at work, I’ve finally gotten something to do of substance. Read more

  Posted on 26 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Kitty is Not Bound by Your Petty Ideas Around Decorum

  With the temperatures back in the 20s, the following is a little something from summer, a short season that wishes us well and thinks we should all go have a... Read more

  Posted on 25 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• A Roomful of Gambling Cats

  Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, sits on the couch, surrounded by cheering basketball fans/members of her scrapbooking club.... Read more

  Posted on 24 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• We All Bring Something to the Job

  One of the first jobs I ever had was working as a busboy. We were ALL busboys back then, by the way, regardless of gender, just as we were all paperboys, a job ... Read more

  Posted on 21 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Girl's a Super Freak

  I’ve only been fired once. It was actually quite unfair, coming as it did during my performance review. I had been unaware, until it was presented to me, that... Read more

  Posted on 20 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• OK. Maybe No More TV for the Kids

  I started a new job last week, mid-headcold. Still with the same company, just several cubes away from my old cube -- and Tamra, who left for another company!... Read more

  Posted on 19 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Cat Has a System

  By 4:45 Sunday, the cat is seated on the couch, her attention fixed on the TV. In front of her, the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Championship bracket. Read more

  Posted on 18 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• You, Too, Can Have It All

  So many things changed once I became internationally famous. Yoga, for instance. Sure, it’s still a big sweaty mess. Sure, it’s still packed cheek to jowl, an... Read more

  Posted on 17 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Hopeful; Or I Hear It's Called "Spring"

  You’re gonna wanna hold on to your hats – and any other bits of clothing that tend to fly off when you’re excited – but I have something new to report. Also –... Read more

  Posted on 14 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Polka Party!; Or Holy Moley, Is That the Dreamy Fish Waltz?

  I am home, mid-day, victim of a spring-time cold that has settled just behind my eyes, just over there, tucked in between my appetite and my wit. It’s a... Read more

  Posted on 13 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• On the Other Hand, I Now Have a Dance Floor

  Somewhere close by, someone’s phone is buzzing. “I think that’s yours,” I say. Nevertheless, Tamra and I both turn, open our respective desk drawers. Read more

  Posted on 12 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Word from the Back of the Bus

  6:42 a.m.: the heat wave in our immediate future, the one that will have me standing at the bus stop, like a rich person, in 44 glorious degrees of early... Read more

  Posted on 11 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Oooh, Maybe in My Other Purse...

  Central Daylight Savings Time has struck again; and as in years prior, another hour has been taken from us. Never mind that we’ll get it back in the fall. It’s... Read more

  Posted on 10 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Going Up; Or, I've Looked at Elevators from Both Sides Now...

  Hi. My name is Pearl, and I spend a lot of time in elevators. Hi, Pearl. As you would suspect, this daily vertical winching has been slowly turning me into... Read more

  Posted on 07 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Perhaps We Should ALL Have a Nice Day

  It is 6:32 a.m. on a Wednesday, and I am walking in the side of the street. The street! Like a common hooligan! I forgive myself quickly, the sidewalks being a... Read more

  Posted on 06 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Not During Rush Hour, Buddy

  The traffic is horrendous.“What do you suppose is going on,” he says, frowning slightly. It’s the kind of statement not entirely directed at me, although it’s... Read more

  Posted on 05 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Sick of It All; Or Oh, My, That’s a Nice Pair of Mittens Ya Got There, Carl

  I’m planning my next sick day. Don’t tell my boss.It’s not so much that I’ll be ill – in fact, the best “sick day” has no illness attached to it at all – but... Read more

  Posted on 04 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Why, That Woman Has the Bearing of a Young Bea Arthur...

  I was asked, the other day, to pick out something I really liked about me.Where to start?Is it my outrageous earning capacity? My love of the drunken... Read more

  Posted on 03 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION