Humor Magazine

The Beauty of Habit; Or Sorry – I Used All My Brains Earlier Today

By Pearl
Having started a new job here at Acme Gravel and Grommets, a Worldwide Octopus Corporation, almost two weeks ago now, I’m here to tell you that the key to better living through exhaustion is Preparation.
Because when one has used up one’s daily allotment of brain cells – I believe my allotment is six – it is incumbent that one relies upon pure, unadulterated habit.
Distracted, new-work-saturated Early-Morning Pearl is a dull-witted thing, a semi-conscious bit of humanity that must be shielded from herself.
And Evening Pearl knows this.
And thank heaven for little EP.  Her, with her make-up-removing, wardrobe-deciding, lunch-making ways!  Without her, Early-Morning Pearl is likely to blearily wander about the duplex, standing in front of darkened closets and then blundering into traffic without snacks.
Let’s take a look at the last few weeks, shall we?
Now firmly ensconced in my new cubicle, the dance floor just over there, the espresso bar over there, I’ve spent the last week clawing my way through multiple calendars, drives, automated responses.  I’ve heard new words that have the tone and texture of English strung together in ways I’ve not heard before.  I’ve met people who were, just two weeks ago, strangers in the elevator.
I’ve been upright, sincere, punctual, and attentive.
Frankly, it’s been exhausting.
And so by the time I get home in the evening, having used up my brains in a courageous display of utter learningness, it is all I can do to throw my Tupperware in the sink, pull on a couple of cats, and settle into the oblivion that is American television.
This is where Early-Evening Pearl shows up.  Like the swans to Capistrano, she rises, heads ever-so-slightly west (I imagine it’s west), pulls together a lunch, moves toward the bathroom where she insists that she remove her make-up.
Zombie-esque, and quite possible sneezing (it is spring, after all), she stumbles to the closet, where she is careful to choose a pair of pants and a shirt.
She then locates the bed and falls, gratefully, into it.
I tell ya, Evening Pearl's got it all figured out.

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