My boyfriend and I make each other happy and I want to continue thus, but our socioeconomic roles are blurry. Both of us bring money to the table and I’m thinking about becoming an escort, which he has assured me he’s OK with because he understands it’s just a job. Because of his fear that he would chase me away by being too aggressive, I at first had to initiate most intimate contact (though now he initiates it plenty). He’s discussed getting married once our financial situations improve, and thanks to your advice and that of some friends, I’ve held my tongue on proposing. Could a long-term relationship work between the two of us when both of us bring money and sex to the table?
The single most important factor in a long-term relationship, outweighing all others, is compatibility. It’s totally possible for a marriage which flies in the face of many of the “rules” to succeed, as long as everyone involved is really OK with that. Now, the trick is that they really have to be OK with it; they can’t just say they are in order to make their partners (or themselves) comfortable. It’s possible to believe one is OK with an unusual condition – say, a husband who doesn’t bring money in – only to find later that it was not actually so, deep down. Most of us will mentally downplay potential trouble-factors because we’ve been told such concerns are “shallow” in comparison with “true love”. But the truth is that erotic feelings arise from a mysterious and subtle alchemy that is very hard to predict, and even small factors might over time change that alchemy so one no longer feels “in love” with a partner. Many a relationship – some of mine included – has ended to the awful sound of the words, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you any more.” And conventional people find that absurd statement to be reason enough for breaking up, mostly because they think that being “in love” was enough to base a relationship on in the first place.
What this boils down to is this: you need to figure out what it is that attracts you to your boyfriend, and ask yourself whether it would change if you felt that you were supporting him (which could very well happen if you’re good at escorting and he’s not making a good bit more than you are right now). Then ask yourself if you could continue a relationship with a man that you loved, but weren’t especially attracted to any more. And finally, you need to ask if the two of you could part amicably if things do eventually go wrong; despite the fairy tale formula, not everybody lives “happily ever after” with the first person he or she tries to live with, and paradoxically a relationship has a better chance of success if neither person tries to keep the other one locked in a cage…unless you’re both into that, of course.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
