Intimate abandonment…
When you know you are not at peace, your knowing creates a still space that
surrounds your non-peace in a loving and tender embrace and then transmutes your non peace into peace. As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.
So whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out the “madness” in you
and in your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is being brought up to the light. It is an
opportunity for salvation. Every moment, hold the knowing of that moment, particularly of
your inner state. If there is anger, know that there is anger. If there is jealousy, defensiveness,
the urge to argue, the need to be right, an inner child demanding love and attention, or emotional pain of any kind – whatever it is, know the reality of that moment and hold the knowing. The relationship then becomes your Sadhana, your spiritual practice.
If you observe unconscious behavior in your partner, hold it in the loving embrace of your knowing so that you won’t react. Unconsciousness and knowing cannot coexist for long – even if the knowing is only in the other person and not in the one who is acting out the unconsciousness. The energy form that lies behind hostility and attack finds the presence of love absolutely intolerable. If you react at all to your partner’s unconsciousness, you become unconscious yourself. But if you then remember to know your reaction, nothing is lost. Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is our only chance of survival as a race. This will affect every aspect of your life and close relationships in particular. Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now. As you may have noticed, they are not here to make you happy or fulfilled. If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world. For those who hold on to the old patterns, there will be increasing pain, violence, confusion, and madness.
Ulrich T.
The consciousness of space is an energy that you are.. the difference in what is written here is probably the most powerfully transformative information about relationships ever written. It is direct and to the point. If your energy is passionate imagine what this energy must come off as if it is contained and able to be expressed. When I was going through seeking this energy of love and it’s passion that I knew existed I realized this very important written release of what my mind was telling me. Instead of seeking this and sharing what I wanted in passion I was entirely responsible for that passion and it’s release and it’s ability to be given.
The most vital experience here was to understand what it was that I dreamed and how to not try and bring that into the world by sharing the thoughts that I was about to make passionate with love from my own energy. I always dreamed of becoming dominant is very sexy dream induced sexual situations.. Mainly because the submissive energy would draw that out.. The sexiness of not being able to keep my eyes off of her.. the way she would dress, The short skirt the sexy spiked heels, the red lipstick and red fingernails that I would see digging into my ass as I pummeled away at her… It was in the meaning to be sexy, yet doing so because she would feel this in herself called to my energy in ways I haven’t been able to communicate because I didn’t know how to communicate this, yet the energy itself would ooze sexiness to me. The dream state of being this way to each other. I didn’t understand my dreams and what they were trying to show me. The passion of it though would wake me.. It wasn’t about the act of sex that would ensue, it was the energy of time that was being removed from being that intimate with her that I searched for.
Of course this can be captured without making this something you have to tell someone to do, This energy is where I knew the connection of twins was met in her, It wasn’t about the connection of what we shared in moments awake, It was that mirror of when I looked into her eyes I knew she was the one who I had been dreaming this all along with.
Now you couple this with the other part of what we both are in the world of form and it becomes lost, every energy that I know that is out there this is the most powerful and awakening to no longer live humanly but to always be in a constant state of this dream. For me it becomes lost because it becomes something that doesn’t have an answer to.
The human condition of love ensues this is the ego, and it’s demands to be what the view of the ego needs for this to be in non-peace. The search of finding such a thing escapes because it becomes about the thinking mind it’s continued blabbing about content and labeling. My mind states this repeatedly, “She is not attracted to me in that space anymore!” What is wrong with me? Am I getting to old? Do I look worse? Am I not in the best shape? Is it that I don’t take care of myself by smoking? Is my hair falling out? Are my kisses not stirring like they used to be? Can she not see this passion in my eyes anymore to know this is still in me and has grown substantially?
This is a very uncomfortable state of being. Our love making becomes more about the love and seems to suffer less in the passion of lust that I know that is still in me consumed yet it was placed there because it became out of control.… It fed the ego the need to be with multiple women trying to find a way to quech this thirst within me. Not because I wanted it that way, but because without a template growing up to see this happen in real time between two that were connected.. I don’t know the path to take!
I don’t know if I am the reason that she isn’t able to communicate or see the place inside me that this is, I know she wants to heal this as much as I do, yet the complexity of the communication doesn’t mirror this for us to see it clearly without making this a very hurtful conversation. For this is what I was hoping we both would be able to communicate compassionately to discover it and be honest and true about it without hurting each other to understand it better and birth it into a truth that we both embrace. I felt lost when I realized that we aren’t that way with each other and that it is unspoken yet it is the biggest elephant in the connection we share, It is about the connection as much as it is about the mind. This inside of me buried as it is from the mind, In my truth, it is this that causes her to seek food as a comfort, over indulging, escaping, habit forming in thought that keeps us separate in this from my mind. Then I feel her rejection that is going on in her thought process that I may be doing and am responsible for, and that energy spoken or not continues what I hear in my head and though I have these thoughts in a space I just let stay there, unsure of how to speak about it or state it being in fear it will cause conflict or pain from what isn’t healed that I want to heal in us both. It is this which keeps her from me, in this unspoken energy it is not just in me but it is in her as well. The physical body that we both posses is shared, and I can feel this energy in her as I do my own. Sometimes hard to breathe, or hard to push myself to move my body to do what it can do, knowing in me what it was made to do, is more of a chore than it is a want or need. Does my truth need to be that I want her to lose the weight to remove this from us both, to be more confident, to be more sexy in herself, she is already sexy to me, but the clothes I know she wants to wear she doesn’t even own, and I dream of always buying her clothes, shoes, things I did for others that we haven’t even ventured into that I so deeply want for her and I to experience. I do have the fear I just recently helped someone who was that way and lost all the weight and works out everyday and started to dress sexy and feel good inside herself, wanting her husband to take more notice and be more sexual with her. She came dressed to a new years eve party and he was upset with what she was wearing and didn’t see her energy as truth, instead he became self conscious and thought what she was wearing was to revealing. And that she was seeking outside attention where to her this was the furthest thing in her, she loves him and is in love with him. Yet, what ended up happening in the energy that I spoke about being in passion, was that a close friend of theirs started flirting heavily with her, feeling rejection and abandoned by the husband who when out to the store to get more party favors, It went further in his absence and it happened they ended up having sex, passionate powerful animalistic sex. It was her resolving the feeling of being wanted, and that her husbands energy was so negative in that he wasn’t seeing that she wanted the advances from him that she now was thinking that it best not to tell him of this yet to keep the marriage in tact.…
I deeply fear this as anyone would, I remember when I was younger my mother who I was living with and my father who was gone showed me this same kind of energy. I used to sneak out at night with a girl one night though I came in at about 2, The phone rang as I opened the door, I was panicked, I closed it and stepped into the basement pacing about on how to explain what I was doing up and what I was doing outside thinking that I was caught for sure. I then heard my mother come downstairs I could hear her footsteps then I heard her stop and then the next thing I heard was heels walking about.. High heels… Unsure of what would happen next I went into the laundry room and I heard the door open from the back and then the door to the downstairs open. I moved quietly into this space behind the heater in which I could see through the slits in the paneling of the wall. My mother was dressed absolutely sexy.. then a man’s voice was heard stating exactly what I was thinking. A short skirt, spiked heels and nothing on underneath. The next 45 minutes were filled with animalistic passion. I was lost, and I was confused and on one hand I understood what was happening on the other I was bewildered. I had never seen passion unleashed like this, well maybe later on watching cinemax or the movie channel, but something in me wanted what happened in that basement. Ashamed and somewhat lost, it started to happen when I tried to explain to my girlfriend at the time what happened. Then it began she did those things to entice me.. I was captivated and lost in it. I felt lost as to what this meant to be married as the man who was there was married and so was my mom who I truly didn’t see the same way again. Something became altered in this view. about two years later I became fully sexually active and got caught sneaking out. It was an explosion always in the making. I was sent to live with my father, he was living with another woman and helping to raise her son.. She was absolutely gorgeous and dressed the same as my mother was when that happened. She was a little thing though, very curvy and didn’t hold anything back when dressing just to go to the store. As you can see this began long before I even realized how this spiked in me.
In me It is a thought process in energy that I want her to be slim enough to throw around in the bedroom, dress her sexy, and find closed confined spaces that our bodies can do more things to each other removing time and removing the energy that is keeping this from being a great part of our connection.
Do I feel her energy in this that she wants to be that for me, rather than be that for herself. How do I communicate this with her? Without this causing some deep seeded pain that she is still healing from because she put the weight on to make herself seem unwanted to stop the act of violence that was done to her. How do I see this clearly and state the truth of what we are to each other without hiding it and continuing this gap in passion we so deeply are to each other. Is this the bind that we need to keep communicating and working with together to change? Or will this hurt her because I see her in a light that mirrors my own undoing.
Am I to blame the love of my life deeply embedded in my energy as she is to me, would be able to be responsible to bring something that would be what I dreamed. Is this selfish of me? The dream was a calling! I could feel it, and I could experience it all to myself.
When I went through realizing how this made me unconscious, I also realized how many I had done this to, and they couldn’t feel it in themselves to feel the energy and how powerful it was to give that to them from deep inside of me. This had to be brought into my consciousness, not for the sake of them, but for the sake of myself and my being awake. I so deeply want this with her, but how do I speak of it and not show my truth of pain that it is very animalistic and very seductive in nature. I was birthed into this and stayed in it my entire existence till I was awakened for myself.
As you find your twin this will be a very significant challenge for the voice in the head that you have been with your entire life becomes awakened. Blending this with your consciousness is unescapable. The twin can see this in you as you can see this in yourself. You know that the passion is there, you know that the passion is deep within you. The energy is there to feel with all that you are. The confines of what this is when it becomes dormant is what happens when the other energy polarities are placed inside you to share with you don’t have the ability for you to embrace it without their help, without there input, without there sacrifice to see that this energy is the dragon in you unleashed. It is the vault door of your truth. As simple as it is to undo, there is the sense of abandonment that you feel will follow if the other can’t see it the non peace that you are in when you try and speak about it or communicate it from a place deep within you.
Being vulnerable in this is where this most emotional places within you become your strength. I wait for the place this is. Yet not communicating it made it stale and made it predictable. Yet the unpredictable place of how this becomes combined in our connection is what I want her to experience with me.
I am scared, I am unsure, I am…
My love for her so strong for what I am to her because she opened the door to what I was inside myself to myself.
Your I amness sprouts from the energy of what is deep within you not within someone else. You bring this into you as you would the air you breathe.
Love deeply,
Clark
