Hey Eric & Sookie Lovers!
We found this review of True Blood Episode 3; “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dying?” and we’re not sure what to make of it. Is this person serious? Or, are they speaking tongue-in-cheek? We want your take on it!
Just for arguments’ sake – let’s pretend it’s legit and the person who wrote this is not a book reader – in fact, we’re surprised this person knows how to turn on the computer and type out words! LOL
The title of their lovely (insert sarcasm 
) review is; “True Blood So4 Eo3: Witches of Barfwick” – need I say more?
This is what they said about Eric & Sookie…
So, Eric has vampire amnesia. He also has shirt amnesia. WHO IS HIS SHIRT?! This episode never explains what happens, because when the witches cast their magical spell on him he was wearing a shirt, and the next thing we know, he’s not wearing a shirt. They’re probably saving this big reveal for the series finale. “Eric’s shirt was dead the whole time!” Eric chases Sookie and tries to eat her so she punches him in the face and that’s all it took to get him to relax? Why hasn’t everyone been punching all the vampires in the face the whole time? He seems very confused, so Sookie explains to him that he is a vampire. He is like, I know I am a vampire, Snooki. OH LOLOLOL RIGHT ON TIME WITH THAT JOKE THIS SHOW, WHO ARE YOU, JAY FUCKING LENO?! Yuck. He tells her that he knows he’s a vampire but he forgot everything else except for how to speak Norwegian, or whatever. She says that she will help him as long as he doesn’t eat her and he agrees. Sure. One would imagine that if he’d lost all of his memory of her and she smelled like delicious sunshine (hrmph) that he would have no reason to listen to her or show restraint, but this show is nothing if not consistent in making up new rules as it goes along.
So Sookie takes Eric back to her/his house and washes his feet (if that is a metaphor or reference to something, I do not want to know) and then calls Pam on the telephone, which is funny. I bet vampires have, like, billions of roll-over minutes! Pam runs right over. Literally. Vampires love running places! Pam seems to know what has happened to Eric. The prophecy warns us that every 1,000 years, a coven of witches will gather in the back room of a yarn store and commit dark acts of dangerous magic over an improperly-chilled bottle of rosé. Pam tells Sookie that she thinks King Vampire Bill set Eric up, and that Sookie has to hide Eric in the basement and also not tell King Vampire Bill because King Vampire Bill will use “this” to get him “assassinated” by “the council.” Again with the new rules all the time! Last I heard, killing another vampire was the single worst sin a vampire could commit, but this season vampires have been killing other vampires all over the place no biggie and now all of a sudden the junkyard council also kills vampires just because they don’t remember to put a shirt on before leaving the graveyard? Sheesh. So Eric goes down into his state of the art vampire bomb shelter and Pam goes wherever Pam goes and Sookie goes to the bank because she demands that the vampires start giving her some money for all of the interference they are running in her life. Kind of seems like one of those “Work at Home! Make as much as 500,000 dollars a year!” scams but OK.
Stupid words used this episode: vampup, fangrape.
This proves this person hasn’t read the books – nor hasn’t a clue about anything really! I don’t know why this quote pisses me off, but it does! The part where they say that Eric speaks Norwegian…obviously, they are too stupid to distinguish between Norwegian and Swedish! 
It makes me want to go over there and flip them the bird in their comment section! 
The only thing I can remotely agree on – is the use of fangrape, which leaves a foul taste of sourgrapes in a lot of Eric & Sookie lovers’ mouths because of how Sookie used it in this episode! But we’ll move on…
This is what this “genius” (insert sarcasm once again) says about the Sookie, Claudine and Eric scene at the end of the show!
Sookie is just sitting at home one night reading a Charlaine Harris book (BOOOOOOOOOOOO!) when she feels a presence outside. It is her fairy godmother! I hate having to type that! Her fairy godmother is like, “Look, I’m super sorry about the whole tricking you into coming out to our nightmare dessert and throwing energy grenades at you and about stealing your grandfather from you and for the part where everyone of our people is a scary gobling masquerading as a Vagisil commercial, but you should come back.” Hard sell. She explains that the fairies can keep Sookie safe and then there is this terrible call back to S01E01 and she is like “I sent the energy that you sent to the chain awakening the light inside you.” Oh, that is a GOOD SENTENCE! That sentence is probably going to sweep this year’s Sentencies. Anyway, Sookie is NOT buying it, at which point Eric runs over and eats the fairy godmother.
“You ate my fairy godmother,” Sookie says. “Sorry,” Eric says. And that is THE END OF THE EPISODE. What a neat cliffhanger. I am so excited to see what happens next week! Just kidding, I already know what happens:
Then, they post this lovely (again, insert sarcasm) picture of Eric, who we think looks adorable, but they have the nerve to make fun of! 
Proudly stolen from videogum.com
They say more about the rest of the episode – which you can read (if you can stomach it) here!
Now, you tell us…do you think this is a complete joke of a recap and they’re not being serious at all? Or, do you feel this person has definitely taken something illegal and decided to write a recap about something they have no clue about?
Share your thoughts below!
PS. My apologies, if this post sounded like one big rant! For some reason, this recap touched a nerve with me and I just had to respond!
