Toddlers & Tiaras: When It’s Slots And Tots And Lots Of Sparkles…All Bets Are Off, Kids. Cuz It’s Vegas, Baby!

Don’t even ask me to put this big a** thing on my head after 6 hours in the beauty salon chair.

#NoCryingEver

I know if I end up looking like Effie from Dreamgirls there’s gonna be some drama, boy.

I’m not even lying. She got outta the damn chair and her hair was like THIS big! Swear to Gawd.

I literally told them 4 times I was wearing this hat and they still can’t fit it in the shot. This a joke?

#@**!!**@*#!!

On second thought, Mama likes. Help yo’self to some teddy bears, kids. This one’s mine.

Grab your popcorn.

And some high fructose soda pop, of course.

Maybe even some Goobers, while you’re at it.  And those gummy things that always stick to your flippers.

You’re gonna need lots of sugary snacks this week, kids…

…because Toddlers & Tiaras is going to the movies!

It was finally time for the Supreme Me Night At The Movies Pageant!

After a little bit more pre-show drama, I mean.

Following the new Toddler 2.0 format, we picked up right where we left off last week with tiny Addison and Mom Trish and Mom Trish’s red eye shadow coming to terms with the realization that Cambrie Littlefield‘s makeup guy Mykel Baca would not be doing their makeup for the pageant in the morning.

I know, right?  Dramzzzzz in the first 30 seconds.

Here’s Trish’s eye shadow in case you missed it.

And here’s a closer look if you want to duplicate that smokey eye this weekend.

As everyone ran in circles carrying what I believe were canvas scarecrow heads on a stick, it was clear that there weren’t enough hours in the day to fit all these kids into Mykel’s makeup chair.

This was not going to end well.

Disclaimer:  From this angle, I know it looks like Mom just bagged her kid’s head with canvas, but I assure you there’s not an actual child under that pillow case.  No pageant princesses were harmed during the filming of this episode.

There’s another one, tho.

And a third one that’s probably gonna lose some points during Beauty.
Regardless, whether it was poor scheduling or some Mean Girls conspiracy theory, if you weren’t wearing a Cambrie’s Court track jacket in the morning you weren’t getting in to see the Wizard.  Cambrie is #Goals, BTW.

Morale of the Story:  Trish was not happy.

But instead of hopping a plane back to Dallas at midnight, she took her scarecrow head and her Juicy Couture Texas top (…which you just know has matching lounge pants at home somewhere…) and stomped the yard up to her room to figure out what to do now.

I’m not really sure what that other person with the backpack is doing.  That’s a lot of gear for a school bus, so I’m thinking maybe she’s hiking the Appalachians in the morning.

Side note:  Even though she’s a stress bag, you know I love Trish.

Not so much the red eye shadow.  But I did notice that everyone was rocking it at the Macy’s Mac counter last weekend, so maybe T-Dawg is just ahead of the curve.

Drinking Game Alert:  During one of those little performance snippets they randomly stick in the middle of scenes, that baby puppet was back on stage again.

Except now I’m not so sure she’s a puppet, because you can totally see that lady’s hands.

If she’s a puppet…you’re doing it wrong.

If she’s a real baby…that kid’s never gonna learn to walk if you don’t put her down, ma’am.

And then we met Rochelle Thames, Director of Supreme Me Pageants.

Yaaaaaaas, Queen.

Part that lady from The View…

Part this kid…

And part that girl from Glee who always sang Jennifer Holiday songs…
WE LOVED ROCHELLE!

Yes.  All in caps.  And bold.  And italics.

She was so friendly and so nice and so smiley and so pretty with magazine cover shiny skin and wanted ALL the kids to get prizes and feel special and totally needs to be my new BFF so we can go clubbing with Annette Hill from Universal Royalty.

Google it.  Annette is da bomb diddly widdly.

Side note:  You know my girl Tonya from Bailey’s Pageants always has a standing invitation, too, but ever since her BoyToy Todd went back on tour with the Backstreet Boys, they’ve been kinda booked.

Look at the stash of goods Rochelle was handing out.  Dang, gurl.

Yes, please.
Rochelle was handing out crowns, sashes, fans made out of dollah dollah bills, yo…and even a confetti bomb after every kid’s name was called.
Backstage amidst all the air brush frenzy, the girls were poised and polite and giving each other compliments like “I know your Mom is a raving lunatic, but your hair looks nice…” 
…while thanking each other like proper young ladies.

Look at all the hair back there.

Side note:  Are we just not gonna talk about that lady with the Zsa Zsa Gabor bracelet  who was trying to keep her kid awake with a cowbell?

You might wanna zoom in on that closeup.

Not putting up with any of your s*** this morning, woman.  Not doin’ it.

And how about that dog?  Meow, bitch.

Wait.  What?  Now she’s a puppet again.

And look how psyched this chick is to be there.
You just know the guy with the mustache was trying to figure out if that was really Britney Spears or not.

It is Vegas, after all.

The emcee was gorgeous and held her mic like she was in the American Idol Finale.

And then the Gods of Reality Television blessed us with another appearance by Nisa Hooper, talent coach and sunglass icon to the stars.

Nisa finds Cambrie to be a lovely, lovely young lady who…ummm…

Yeah.  Not so much.

Did I forget to mention that my Boo Jayliana‘s Mama Deb mentioned that Mykel forgot to mention that he doesn’t know how to do mixed girls’ hair?

Because he don’t.  Gurrrrrrl, plea…

I mean.
Granted, Cambrie wanted JayBae to wear a wiglet instead of going au natural with her curly ‘do at this pageant.  And if Miss Cambrie told me to put a toupee on and walk backwards down Main Street I would totally do it, because Miss C is #Goals.

But Lawd, Geezis.

I watch enough Bravo TV to know that hair was NOT laid to the Gawdz.

Rochelle was all like…

Even Nisa’s Dog/Cat couldn’t believe what he was looking at when she came on stage.

Look at Mama tryna unscrew that Diet Pepsi like it’s vodka.

And excuse me, but did Addison just call Cambrie a LOSER?
Do NOT make me take off my earrings.  She’s lucky she’s 2 years old.

NEWSFLASH/DVR ALERT:  The Top Hat Boys are back!!

Or at least that one.

I mean this one.

My Boy Blake Nagy was back on the judges’ table!

Those Top Hat Boys Crack.  Me.  Up.

Bonus:  Imma just leave this one here and you can make up your own punchline.

I freakin’ love those guys.

The Beauty Round was first up and the girls all nailed it, more or less.

Check out Nisa holding that plastic cup like she’s having cocktails at the Oscars.

MmmHmmm.  I found his performance in Mall Cop to be slightly pretentious.

Since Jayliana’s #BeautyHair had been such a success, Mama Deb rushed her back upstairs to their hotel room sink so she could wash that thing down the drain and rejuvenate her natural curls.

As opposed to this lady who put her baby in the sink just to take a selfie.

As Jayliana’s natural spring was sproinging back to life…

…the emcee was calling for a 7-8 year old lineup downstairs.  Which meant that JayBae missed the call and Cambrie said a swear word with kids in the car.

#Goals.  F***ing S***Show #Goals.

Hashtag:  FML.

Side note:  That’s my girl Annette waaaay in the background behind that little peanut flipping the bird.

Annette doesn’t wear her hair up at da klub, yo.  You know that’s right.

When they finally made it downstairs, Deb said something to Cambrie about Jayliana’s hair, but I was so fascinated by that lady in the middle looking all like “Whatchoo mean they’re taking points off for not showing up?  That’s some BS!” that I don’t remember much about the scene.

Instead of Outfit of Choice, Rochelle shook things up with a Talent Category.

Real Talent.  Like singing and dancing and whatever this is…

This girl sang a Whitney song and even stuck her finger in her ear like Mariah does on her high runs.

She’ll be dropping her first single on Spotify as soon as finishes her nap.

Jayliana busted out her best Prince impersonation and reenacted that famous scene from Purple Rain when Apollonia Kotera jumped on the back of Prince’s hoverboard and they rode off into the sunset.

Because she rode a overboard on stage, which I enjoyed it immensely, but Nisa felt that simply spinning around in circles on a hoverboard was not talent and should never be done without a helmet, no matter how much protective natural hair you may have on your head.

Safety First, dahling.

And then talent and education.  Or you’re dead to me.

Love.  Nisa.  To.  Infinity….and Beyond.

Addison did a cat routine, which always makes me nervous given what a poor record Toddlers & Tiaras has for kids doing cat routines on national television.

But she nailed it, except for taking a face plant during her back walkover.

Hey.  It was her first attempt.  Cut her some slack.

She managed to gobble down a mouse in one bite like she’d just gotten out of prison, tho.

Speaking of.
#NaturesCandy.

The Short Version:  At some point during the festivities, Jayliana thought she had chicken pox because she saw 3 tiny mosquito bites on her tummy, but Deb assured her that you can’t get chicken pox in under an hour and that she was just fine and that she should go hug this kid named Kailia really hard until you’d swear Kailia’s Mom Marcy thought she was spreading Zika.

Because that totally happened.

And I didn’t make any of it up this time.

Marcy freaked out and tried to get pageant security to fog bomb the building like JayBae had bed bugs in her hair, so Deb decided to put an end to all this drama by f***ing her up behind closed doors.

Because that totally happened, too.

And I didn’t make any of that up either.  I’m sure it’s on youtube somewhere.

True Fact:  By the time Deb finished with Marcy, Kailia’s Mom had the same number of teeth in her mouth as Jayliana.  I swear.

I don’t know if I got all that in the right order or not, but it really doesn’t matter because Deb is awesome sauce and she has a wine bottle holder shaped like a shoe.  So your argument is once again invalid.

And then Cambrie cried, which made me sad.  She loves her kids so much.

Side note:  I thought it was nice the way Trish helped lead Nisa around the ballroom since her sunglasses were so dark she couldn’t see the traffic pattern between the chairs.  That’s a true friend.

Maybe not a true story.  But a true friend, for sure.

Amanda‘s daughter Landree was some form of showgirl and danced around like a seasoned pro.

Earlier in the programming she wore a high colored white glitz dress that made her look like the good Ice Princess who fought her evil twin sister in whatever that movie was called.

Somewhere around here was also when TLC fired one of their Continuity Interns after they accidentally spliced in the wrong Top Hat Boy into the wrong judges’ table scene.
Unless they do these things in shifts, I guess.

Let’s just keep it real, a’ight?  Although his hat is equally as awesome as his counterpart’s chapeau, I know for a fact that’s not the same person.  And whoever that was next to him was not the same judge that was there earlier, because his eyebrows were way more on fleek than any of the women at the table and I would have remembered that kind of thing.

Maybe they kicked all the ladies out after they ate all the candy.

Because that cup was full when the show started.

Editing aside, we did get to see one of those chin stand whatchamacallits that Brooke Hyland used to always do on Dance Moms before her own Mom slapped Abby Lee Miller so hard she ended up on TMZ.  Shoutout to my DM fans!

Finally…it was time for Crowning!

Cambrie’s Court did a rowdy beat yo’ a** cheer a couple hundred times that aggravated everyone around them and then we got a shot of a bunch of kids eating popcorn in matching gold lamé tops that I’m totally screen saving for the cover of my Holiday 2016 cards.

Since we’re running a little long this week, you’re going to have to Google the results of the pageant yourself.  I’m sure some website that specializes in that kind of thing can assist you with your scorecard while I point out that Cambrie was making crank phone calls when things started to drag.
Hello?  Hello?  Who is this?  I know it’s you, Cambrie.  We’re sitting in the same row, bitch.  You know I can see you, right?  Don’t make me come over there.
Since Rochelle likes to shake things up whenever she can, for the final Mega Ultimate Grand Supreme title, she had all 10 kids and all 10 parents come up on stage and food fight their way to the top prize.
Look at that one Mom waving like she’s getting the crown.

They literally had to dig through those heaping piles of dyed pasta until they found whatever it was that signified a winner.

And then this happened.

Landree won the top prize and Amanda lost her own noodle.
I mean.  She bawled.
Now you know I love me some supportive parents, but this woman didn’t stop crying for the rest of the show.  Except for when she fell down the stairs, which is when I would have expected her to start crying.

And Nisa doesn’t like Outside Crying.

At.  All.

Victorious Laughter on the other hand…

And then it was over.

Except for handing out the Emmy for Best Impersonation Of Somehow Getting The Holy Spirit In Them At A Kiddie Pageant, that is…which went to Deb for making fun of Amanda’s emotional breakdown.

Just say No to crying, kids.

Feel free to say yes to that sparkle bow tie, though.  Definitely.  Yes.

Landree gave thanks.

And then it was really over.

Peace out, bitches.

Even you crazy ones.