So, umm…yeah.
About that whole Dance Moms thing.
It started out as a pretty slow news day at the ALDCA, all things considered.
Until, well…you know.
Abby Lee Miller quit Dance Moms.
Even (…SPOILER ALERT!…) this lady.
After six years, seven seasons and however many days it all adds up to…Abby quit.
In full-on all up in yo’ face all over yo’ Instagram #AbbyStyle.
And on the weekend, too. Just like the White House does all their stuff lately.
Trust me. It was straight-up online Crazy Pants.
But to fully understand the impact of all these shenanigans, we need to start at the beginning.
Which was really the middle and kinda sorta the end. With me so far?
Please do enjoy this recap of all the deets that have been made public up to this point.
There is plenty of Canton Jerky to gnaw on so far and anything we don’t know I’ll just make up to keep things flowing. Because that’s how we do.
Word on the street is that the whole thing started to crumble when all the Moms regrouped to begin filming Season 7.5 or 7B (…which totally sounds like that upstairs apartment in a sitcom where the whacky neighbor lives…) or whatever it is they call the next bunch of episodes that haven’t aired yet.
Abby was MIA. Again.
Needless to say, after six years, seven seasons and blah blah blah…the Moms were getting a little tired of all the no-shows and had apparently been scouting out new locations where the girls could continue to rehearse and compete. Locations that might give the girls a more positive environment to learn and grow and pig pile on top of each other like the last day of Spring Break.
Like maybe this place that Chloe cryptically posted on her IG account, which immediately caused two thirds of the country’s youth to stop doing their homework and start texting crying emojis way past their bedtime. OMG + 20 Yellow Smiley Faces with tears pouring down.
Because, remember…Chloe.
Side note: #CyberSpiritAnimal…
But wassup wid dat 8 Count Dance Academy?
Was it rehearsal space? Did the team really…finally…jump ship off the SS ALDC? And where was little Brynn? Look at this niblet.
Full Disclosure: I got a feeling Ashlee‘s probably not gonna re-follow me by the time I’m finished with this update, so if anyone would like to fill her spot there’s an #EmptyChair with your name on it.
Eventually, photos started creeping up online showing Brynn surrounded by all kinds of little ALDC Minis, which totally made her look like Dorothy when she first landed in Oz.
Was Brynn their mentor? Was the team fractured? What was even happening right now?
Lots, apparently.
Abby eventually showed up again with an (…alleged…) list of things that the gang could and could not discuss, which in Dance Moms Reverse Psychology meant Go Directly To Your Social Media.
But just a little. The good stuff was still to come. At the end of the long Road to Nationals.
True Fact: If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years of network television (watching) it’s this:
NEVER skimp on the lighting. Or the fabric on your daughter’s costume.
Just don’t.
But they did.
And it didn’t end well at all.
Anyone remember #FanDanceGate? Who burned those reels? They’re not even on Netflix.
Turns out that Abby (…or was it?…) wanted the girls to wear some provocative costumes at Nationals to give them an edge against the competition, which…let’s be honest…has been an ongoing issue at her studio since that first episode way back in 2011.
The routine was going to be a Bob Fosse-ish thingamajig which I guess Abby (…or not…) felt needed grown-up attire consisting of bras, panties and a straddle chair, which in turn opened up pretty heated discussions on what is the proper age for your daughter to be on national television in her undergarments.
Advance Disclaimer: Take it to the chat rooms, people. Not the comment section.
This argument has gone on since Day One in the Dance World and while it’s true that the girls are way older than they were during the #FanDanceGate Fiasco, some Moms were still not comfortable with the costuming concept.
Look at how little Mackenzie was back then. She looks like a toilet paper cozy.
Which reminds me that while all this drama was going on, former DM Break-Out Star Maddie was in Dubai riding a camel and that it’s someone’s actual job in Dubai to crochet camel nose cozies.
And she’s Maddie and you’re not.
Merchandising Memo: Did you know that in lieu of cozies, Walgreen’s sells Maddie and Mackenzie dolls? Because they do. And both dolls come with a dance bag and legs that look like they’ll snap off as soon as you take them out of the plastic clamshell. My girl Rachelle Rak will tell you those ain’t Broadway dancer gams. No, ma’am.
And now I forgot what we were talking about.
And this bootleg shot of the actual 2017 dance, which someone apparently shot through the bottom of an aquarium. Which I don’t understand since photos sent back from the Mars LandRover are clearer than some kid’s iPhone in the 4th row. But whatev + Scratching Chin Smiley Emoji.
Allegedly, new girl Camryn or her Mom Camille or both, popped off on Abby and/or Brynn at some point.
And on Ashlee. Who popped off on Abby and/or Camryn and Camille. Or maybe not. From here on out it kinda depends on whose Instagram account you follow.
FYI: Those aren’t even the right clips or the right episodes, but you get the point.
Plus Jill is my #MomCrush. So shut up, you.
And then the Moms started spinning the wheel for one last prize.
Not this one.
Abby went home and posted this picture.
And quit.
And there’s Brynn and those Minis again.
No clue who the dude is photobombing the shot, but he looks friendly.
Now this isn’t the first time that Abby’s used her IG to shake things up. Remember when she got engaged to this guy? Or not.
Always stalk your prey from behind and grab them by the neck before they can escape.
I shot him a text to get the HD version but he never answers the phone when he’s doing crunches because, you know…summer’s coming, bitch.
Abby went on a gazillion tv shows talking smack about everyone except me. Or maybe even me.
There was even more #SocialMediaShade while Nia and Holly tried to calm the tide a little with a #NoCyberBullying post that got cyberbullied.
I know, right?
Nobody likes getting in the mud, but sometimes you gotta stand up for your beliefs, y’all.
And I was watching the whole thing like…
And then barely 48 hours later, they announced that Season 7B, which was done and in the can (…that’s industry lingo, BTW…) was suddenly back in production for at least one more month with Cheryl Burke taking over the reigns as Dance Coach.
Wait. What?
We LOVE her.
She’s the lady from Dancing With The Stars who saved a horse by riding Drew Lachey to the top of the Leader Board. They won the coveted Grand Champions Mirror Ball during Season Two, which she celebrated by performing a salsa routine while wearing a diaper. You can’t make this s*** up.
Full Disclosure: She doesn’t need diapers, but they paid her and her butt looked amazeballs.
Full Disclosure 2: Not gonna lie. If my butt could look as good as Cheryl’s I’d be rocking these so hard right now even though it looks like a lot of work to get both legs in securely.
Cheryl and a big football player took home a second Mirror Ball the next season and then she started drawing the short straw a few times.
Can you say Tom DeLay?
‘Merica.
Or when she got stuck with that Olympian who thought that if he dyed his hair back nobody would remember he went Number 1 all over the wall of a Rio gas station.
Remember when that big dude jumped the barrier while Ryan Lochte and Cheryl were getting their scores? Look at Lochte run like a little girl.
Even Cheryl couldn’t believe her life right there.
And now Ashlee is skyping TMZ talking more shizz about why she and Brynn left the show and then supposedly (…or maybe not…) turning around and going back on set the next day to film.
Side note: Look at the TMZ bus and Ashlee both blowing hot air all over Hollywood Blvd.
I dunno.
It’s exhausting. No bus fume pun intended.
I love all them kids and all them Moms. And the show straight up gives me #LIFE.
But I dunno what’s real and what’s not and who hates who (…whom?…) or what really happened. Nobody does, except the people who lived it. And it’s real for them.
So I guess the rest of us are just gonna have to wait for additional updates.
Or maybe I’ll just keep making up more stuff.
Stay tuned and we’ll see.
But for now…signing off from Dance Moms TV.
Good news.
Good night.
And straighten those damn feet, will ya?
