Mama’s just about to show Mr. Tony some Stone Age Realness and drag that fine piece of meat back to my cave. Dang.
What’s it gonna be, people? A crown on the head or a pie in the face? Figure it out, cuz Bozo ain’t playing tonight.
Pucker up, Baby Doll. Time to show them bitches how we get it done.
You might wanna hold on to your Big Girl Panties back there, Honey. Tony T-Rex is here, and I’m wearing Armani.
What a rip. The stupid crowns look way bigger on TV. Total crap. I quit!
These camera lights are way too hot. You know I specifically requested that my boogers and 64 oz. Mountain Dew always be served at room temperature.
Lawd, please stop me from throwing that tiny a** crown and about five of these damn people right out that kitchen window. I just can’t.
Yabba Dabba Glitter Glue.
If you like it, then you better put a bone in it.
Your hair, that is. And you should probably stick a flipper in your mouth while you’re at it, because it’s time to walk those prehistoric pretty feet all the way back to the Paleolithic Pageant Era and see how they booty popped on hot lava.
Toddlers & Tiaras turned back the clock this week with a dinosaur-sized Starz N Glitz extravaganza, aptly titled the Queen of the Stone Age Pageant. And it was everything that we’ve come to expect from my girl Cray Cray Carla.
You remember Pageant Director Carla Smith. I know you do. How could you not?
The last time we saw Carla was at that fiesta-themed pageant, where she was getting her burritos all in a bunch over dreamboat emcee Mr. Tony. She wanted him for her boyfriend, and would do just about anything to whack that fine piece of piñata hard enough to make some sweet candy come pouring out on date night.
No lie. I could probably watch Carla school girl giggle and smiley squint over Mr. Tony all day.
It would be like being back in study hall listening to that generic Big Girl BFF that everybody knew talk about the latest Tatum Channing movie until she couldn’t breath without her inhaler. You know she practices writing her married name in the back of her notebook.
Love me some Carla. And as I mentioned the last time, she is officially the designated driver when Pageant Director Annette Hill and I go out klubbin’, mainly because I can’t even imagine Carla with booze in her mouth. Cray to the umpteenth power of Cray.
Clearly, Carla had seen Mr. Tony’s Facebook page the day he mentioned that he was hot for brunettes, because she was now rocking the same sultry shade of Desperate Housewives that’s on the Eva Longoria L’Oréal box at Walgreen’s.
Even Carla’s whacky Baby Goes To Communion hairpiece had gotten an HD technicolor upgrade for 2013. Not to mention her new Dance Moms Bare Minerals makeup. You could literally pause your DVR while Carla was talking and adjust every one of the 5,000 Panasonic colors on your TV screen without having to run the set-up program.
She’s gonna break some hearts, and put the Best Buy Geek Squad out of business at the same time, if she’s not careful. Pump your brakes, Girlfriend.
Carla explained how the pageant was going to work, and then explained how cubic zirconia rhinestones were actually created from erupting volcanoes on the same day that all the dinosaurs died. Really.
I guess if you can believe that Eva Longoria actually does her own hair in the kitchen sink, then magical prehistoric rhinestones aren’t really that much of a stretch.
Our first tiny contestant was 2 year old Charli, Mom Samantha and a potential new candidate for coolest pageant Dad..evah…Evan.
As Mom rambled on and on about her little DIT (…Diva In Training, duh…) and Charli’s surfer dude brother wandered in and out of every camera shot, I was momentarily blinded by not only the awesomeness of her Dad but also the awesome neon tee shirt warning all of America about all that awesomeness.
Too late. My eyes.
Evan wanted to be Pageant Dad of the Millennium or something, and stands a pretty good chance of snagging that trophy right out from under Ava Perez‘s crazy sewing machine Dad the next time Mr. Perez gets all distracted by one of his now infamous needle threading Drama Queen meltdowns.
Is David still out there somewhere? (No pun intended, of course.)
Whereas Ava’s Dad is just straight up (…no pun intended, again…) Liberace Fabulous, Charli’s Dad is pretty Home Depot Normal despite his penchant for wearing pint-sized tiaras and busting out uncomfortably spot-on imitations of 3 year old girls coming down from a chemically induced sugar buzz.
Oh. And their sissy dog used to do pageants, too. Little sissy dog pageants, complete with little sissy dog outfits. And he even had a little sissy dog wiglet that clamped on his head like a dorm desk light, which must come in real handy when he’s all alone at night licking his non-existent nibblies in horrified shame.
The dog, I mean.
The next little princess was an All-Cap SpellCheck nightmare, thanks to 2 year old Maddisyn-Rae and her Mom TreShanda.
(Almost that entire sentence just got underlined in red by my computer, thank you.)
Maddi Moo Moo and Mom Mom lived with Baby Daddy/Boyfriend Michael Michael in the same house with Michael’s parents Antonia and Harvey, some cousins or sisters (…I forget…) as well as another baby or two, some stragglers and at least three of the guys from Bel Biv Devoe.
Fo’ realz. That hizzle was packed to the fo’ shizzle with people. And the whole reason that Mom Mom and Mike Mike moved in was so they didn’t have to pay Rent Rent and could spend their money on Moo Moo’s pageants and designer dinosaur costumes.
I know, right? Shut the front door. Or sign me up…and then shut the front door. If it even shuts with all those people wedged up against it from the other side, I mean.
Maddi was a cutie, and looked exactly like Aretha Franklin would look like if you washed her and then left her in the dryer too long.
That’s also probably why the Motown label always said you should hang your Divas out to dry. If Maddi wasn’t so busy eating everything that she could scoop out of her nose, I’m sure she would have done a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T, but the nasal nosh went on for the entire hour so no songs tonight. Sorry.
Maybe she can sing the theme song for the television show that TLC better be developing for her grandparents, who were HIGHsterical. (If I had a penny for every time someone told me “That tail looks like a jalapeño pepper !” I’d be a rich man.)
Grandpa made me spit my drink out a few times and wish that Sanford & Sons was still on cable. If there’s any room left, I need to live with that family. They were that funny.
The third and final Stone Age wannabe was 3 year old Savannah and Barnum & Bailey Mom Natasha.
Seriously. If you still have Clown on the Toilet nightmares like I do, this episode probably set you back at least 6 months in electro-shock therapy.
All Savannah really wanted to do was play hockey with Dad Andrew and his crazy gelled-up hair (…or was that the longest mullet ever?..) but since Mom had taken on a second job to pay for pageants, being a goalie was going to have to wait until the balloon animal job market dried up.
Snakes on a Plane. Clowns in the Bathroom. Whatev. I don’t want to see either of them reflected in the vanity mirror while I’m doing my bidnezz.
As for Stone Age props, the local mall didn’t leave much to the imagination, so Charli and her family went dumpster diving for parts to build a Flintstone car. Like the one you move with your feet while balancing a gigantic dinosaur sparerib on the roof.
That car. With a hole in the roof for Dino‘s head.
If Evan really wants to be Pageant Dad of the Universe he needs to either stop sweating so much, or stop showing us how much he sweats. Wet or not, though, he’s still a riot.
(Spoiler Alert: I don’t know what back alley trash heap they climbed into, but that Flintstone car looked exactly like the real Flintstone car after it was built. It’s like they dug through the actual Flintstone’s trash cans just to make a fake Flintstone car.)
Back at Maddisyn-Rae’s house, Mom was losing her nutty over a specially designed dinosaur costume that arrived just in time for the pageant, but unfortunately didn’t fit.
Who knew boogers were so fattening? Portion control. That’s all I’m saying.
Finally, it was Showtime! And Dreamboat Mr. Tony Time!
Carla’s fantasy lover was back to work the room, styling in his pinstripes and hotel lounge swagger. If some of those Pageant Moms had actually been wearing bras, they would have totally taken them off and thrown them at the podium. True dat.
I love you Mr. Tony!!!!! Have my pageant baby!!!!!
T&T Drinking Game Alert: Take a shot every time Carla walks behind Mr. Tony’s well sculpted gym butt while he’s trying to work. Oh, yeah. Mama likes.
All three of our little contestants had a few seizures before going on stage. Maddi and Charli cried so loudly that my downstairs neighbors pounded on their ceiling for me to shut my kids up, while Savannah kept going into a silent WishIWasPlayingHockey zombie-like state.
Must. Play. Hockey. Now.
Side note: I swear I saw some random non-pageant kid drinking from a flask. Straight up. No chaser. Please tell me that someone else saw that.
Apparently, Maddi Boo Boo can’t go on stage without Mike Mike waving a stuffed animal (…also coincidentally named Boo…singular…) behind the judges. So leaving it packed in the car probably wasn’t his best move that day, nor was his casual stroll out to the parking lot to retrieve the dog. We’re in Crisis Mode, dude. Pick it up a little.
Grandma Antonia gave yet another example of why she needs her own television show by going totz bonkers during Maddi’s performance. If it was me, instead of that wide eyed judge who looked like one of the neighbors on Green Acres, I would have scoffed up one of those pink crowns when no one was looking and handed it to Grandma just for that crazy dance.
Savannah’s flipper fell on the floor and sent Clown Mom into a tail spin as she raced to wash it off before Tony Suavé called her number up on stage.
Really? You make balloon animals that kids suck on for the entire length of the circus, but you can’t allow the Five Second Rule to go into effect just this once so we don’t hold up an entire ballroom? Plus, I know for a fact that you bite the end of those long skinny ones and stretch them out before you even blow them up into pirate swords.
That other kid on stage eats her own boogers, ferchrissake. I don’t think a little rug fuzz is gonna put your kid in ICU. Relax.
Stone Age Wear was exactly what you would expect. Lots of Pebbles Flintstone and animal print.
Charli squealed on stage with her dumpster car, clearly moving faster than Maddi, who just stood there in a fog. I feel your pain, sister. I can barely brush my teeth after a nap, much less work a stage.
Savannah shook up the theme by dressing all in leaves and performing as Eve, even though she looked more like Poison Ivy from the Batman movie. But it was really cute, even though she was 78% fake hair. I think she got extra points from at least one judge for not falling over under the weight of all the weave Mom pinned on her little skull.
Then some kids won some stuff.
But not Maddi Moo Moo. Nope Nope. Just Runner-Up. Not even a crown to throw out the window.
Yeah. Mom was not happy.
Charli won pint sized Queen and then had another meltdown. This time her hair went just as spaz as her brain.
Savannah won Mini Supreme, which made Mom smile a real smile and not just a fake clown smile.
Mama don’t dress up as no clown just for runner-up, bitches. Mmmkay?
And then, while everyone was distracted by what appeared to be some 42 year old woman winning the Ultimate Grand Supreme title, Evan raided the prize table, piled on as many tiaras and sashes as he could at one time and then shot out the side door before Security could even get the crowns off his head.
Wilma, we’re outta here. Flintstone feet, don’t fail me now.
Yup. It’s good to be Pageant Dad of a Modern Stone Age Family.
Yabba Dabba Doo!
