Toddlers & Tiaras: Time To Work That Stage And Show Me Your Pretty Feet. All Four Of Them. It’s Me And My Pet!

Check it out. There’s a freakin’ pig on the crown. Don’t even pretend you’re not jealous, cuz you are. Haters gonna hate.

Bitch, pleez. Every kid at the Ramada gets a crown. Suck on this headgear and then go slop your hog, honey.

My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…and they’re usually carrying a taser and a few restraining orders.

Now I’m a church goin’ woman, but that pretty one in the pink dances like a damn crazy lady. Lawd have mercy.

The judges like it when I shake my booty and my poor guinea pig so hard that we both black out on stage.

Not gonna lie. That hot girl in the pink started dancing and I may have squirted some water out of my plastic flower.

Yeah. I’m pretty sure I spent all day pretty feeting through hot animal poop just so I could win this cheap a** little toy crown.

Do you smell that?

It kind of smells like Aqua-Net and spray tan mist, with just a hint of steamed carrots, lettuce and those crunchy guinea pig pellets they sell in bulk at Petco.

Which can only mean one thing.

They’re baaaaack!

That’s right.  Toddlers & Tiaras is back.  And this time they brought livestock.

After a brief hiatus so we could all check the gift registry down at the Kuntry Stoe and use our “Plus One” invitation to the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Commitment Ceremony, everyone’s favorite unspoken guilty pleasure returned this week and took us straight to the barnyard without skipping a beat.

All the glitter and glitz was back, along with a few cameo guest appearances and two hotel workers who drew the short straw and got put on pooper scooper duty.

It was the Me And My Pet Pageant, courtesy of Director Jill Worley and MidAmerica Pageants.  Kids, sugar and animals.  What could possibly go wrong?

Jill was still fairly low key as far as Pageant Directors go, and basically just laid out the rules for any slow pokes out there who couldn’t actually figure out on their own what might go down at a Me And My Pet Pageant.

But I like Jill.  When I go clubbing with all my rowdy pageant friends, Jill would be more of the designated driver type while Tonya Bailey and Annette Hill are up on the speakers making it rain down on some strippers.

I’m sure Jill would loosen up eventually after a few Diet Cokes, though.

She was nice and had the same haircut that Carrie Underwood had in one of her videos.  Jill was pretty darn excited about the ginormous Old McDonald crown and the fact that the judges would not be deducting any points for pooping on the floor, which I thought was a good call given the lines in hotel restrooms, until I realized that she was referring to the animals and not the hair and makeup people.

My bad.

The first wannabe princess we met was 4 year old Rainbow Dash and Mom Rachelle.

You heard me.  Rainbow Dash.  Like the My Little Pony pony.  Because she looooooves My Little Pony stuff.  Especially Rainbow Dash.

Not sure how that whole cartoon name thing is going to hold up in college, but for now I guess it’s a good thing that the little tyke is enamored with animated equines and not Optimus Prime or something.

Mom was a big, sassy lady who I could totally see raising the roof at church every Sunday if she hadn’t been excommunicated for raising a heathenistic little pageant girl.

Seriously?  It’s 2013, people.

To rub salt in the wound, Mom was a PK…ie…Preacher’s Kid…and got the boot even though her father was a man of the church.  Go figure.

But it wasn’t stopping RB from rockin’ a drum solo and then wailing “Yes, Jesus Loves Me” while the rest of the family did exactly what you’d expect a good church going family to do once the electric organ gets warmed up.

Take it to church, Girlfriend.  Just don’t go inside.

Rainbow Dash was a cutie, and looked like a miniaturized CNN weekend news anchor with her blown out hair and jacket/tie combo.  You could tell she gets it from her Mama.

Next up was 4 year old Gabby and Grandma Teresa.  Not NiNi or NeNe or NaNa or NooNoo or nuthin’.  Just Grandma.

Grandma was large and in charge of the pageants, because Gabby’s Mom Alicia hated glitz pageants.  They’re all fakey fake with their fake hair and fake teeth and fake tans and fake fakiness.

Fake.  Fake.  Fake.  And then for those of you who may have missed it, she said it about 29 more times.  Fake.

Gabby was a nugget of a little blonde thing, all sing-songy and gassy as she shook her poor guinea pig Puddinin (…that’s not a typo.  Puddininininin….) until you could hear marbles jiggling in his head.  She even managed to knock the poo right out of him as the poor guy got car sick and honked out a little pellet of his own right there on the carpet.

Luckily for all of us who sit too close to our television screens, TLC thoughtfully covered up Pud’s junk with one of those Walmart Lower Price smiley face stickers so we didn’t have to actually watch a guinea pig take a toot in hi-def.

We also learned that Gabby’s flatulence reeked of carrots and lettuce, which I guess is probably something we should know in case we ever need to rescue her from an underground coal mine collapse in the middle of the night…but it didn’t feel very crucial to the current pageant storyline.

Seriously, a couple more fart jokes and subtitles this week and I would have sworn I was still watching Honey Boo Boo eating ribs.

The third and final contestant was 3 year old pipsqueak Lily and Mom Brittany.

Not only did Lily have one of the best cartoon voices ever, but she also had her own miniature horse.  A real one.  That she bought with her own money.

Shut the barn door.  Literally.

I can’t even pay my cable bill on time and a 3 year old is buying a real live racehorse with Ultimate Supreme cash?  Take that, Rainbow Dash.

And sign me up for this gig.  I want a pony, too.

Blackjack the Horse came with his own Zorro background music and one of those purple ski masks that made it look like he had some kind of super powers that would soon be revealed on stage.  I hoped he could talk.  That would be so cool.

Since Lily and Mom just happened to have a horse laying around the house, they had decided to use him in the pageant as part of their Afro Circus routine.

(The Madagascar movie song and dance number, not one of Al Sharpton‘s press conferences.  Just to clarify.)

They even had a technicolor afro wig for Blackjack to wear during the show, hoping that a slow moving miniature pony wearing a gay pride weave could duplicate a polka dotted zebra standing on his back legs doing Michael Jackson moves.  We’ll have to see.

While Lily squeaked around the stables, we dashed back over to Rainbow Dash’s house for a major plot twist.

Rainbow Dash was ALSO doing an Afro Circus routine.

Shut.  Up.

But instead of a horse, RB was going to dress up her Dad Daniel (…who I believe only blinked a total of 7 times the entire episode…) like a crazy clown and have him assist while their little pocket dog Titi pretended he was in the circus.  The Afro one.

Dad reminded me of the short guy from Fresh Prince of Bel Air a little bit as he worked himself into an anxiety attack over standing on stage holding a hula hoop.

Chillax, dude.  You got this.

And then it was Katie Boyer Time!!!

We love pageant coach Katie and her Katie’s Kuties.

She’s your typical girl next door who you know spends waaay too much time texting her girlfriends from the mall and is the one who always silently mouths “OMG!” and then hits you whenever a hot waiter turns his back to the table.

Katie loves her kids, but hates those animal pageants.  Don’t make me touch that thing.

Note to self:  Return the iguana you bought Katie for Christmas.

After putting Gabby through some finger kisses and guinea pig shakes, Katie got in her Tiara Teleportation Device and was suddenly across town helping out Lily with her routine.

Oooh, girl.  Double dippin’ in the pageant pool.  You go.

The most memorable part of the scene (…aside from Katie, of course…) was whatever the f*** was going on with Pageant Life Coach Aunt Sissy‘s hair.

Seriously.  That was some solid work up there.  You know Katie was dying to touch it.

I’m thinking that Sissy might be the one we send over to Syria to look for all those atomic bombs, because even if she finds one and it blows up in her face, that hair ain’t going anywhere.

Well played, ma’am.  Just don’t get me started on Life Coaches.

Finally, it was Showtime!

But first…can we just talk about what kind of hotel lets farm animals run wild through the hallways?  I mean, Blackjack just strolled through the lobby like he was going to the desk to confirm his wakeup call and ask that an iron be sent upstairs.

It’s bad enough getting stuck with a room by the ice machine.  Can you even imagine the smell?  That place better be putting extra chocolate on my pillow if I know there’s a llama in the next room.

The hair and makeup sessions were the usual chaos.  Nothing new to report.

Somehow Gabby’s dress didn’t fit correctly and they had to poach a second one from Lily’s suitcase.  Why do these people always wait until their number is being called to actually try lacing up the back for the first time?

Eventually everyone was wearing something and Jill could get the party started.

Complete with cameo guest appearances galore, which made me realize that I have been watching this show for way too many years.

Little Miss Ava Claire was giving the judges some side eye, but I almost missed her behind all of Mom’s big a** hair.  Hey, Jessica!

Pageant Coach from Hell Nikki Santiago was also standing off to the side deciding which young child to take back into the bowels of the Earth when crowning was done, which explained all the nervous animal pee that was going on in the holding area.

Just speaking for myself, I know that every time I see Nikki I need to put down some fresh newspapers under my Lazy Boy…just in case.

Even one half of the Tiara Twins, Giavanna, was standing on stage watching her Dad get his eye poked out by a completely panic stricken peacock.  It was like that Alfred Hitchcock movie, except Ron screamed more than Tippi Hedren did when she got attacked.

I should also point out that Tiara Twins Mom Kelly just stood there and watched it all happen without lifting a finger, because I think she was still mad at Ron for that time he pulled her top up on national television.

The Beauty portion was the usual.  Stop.  Start.  Forget.

The Me and My Pet part was when the crowd woke up.

Rainbow Dash’s take on the Afro Circus was basically her Dad getting down with his bad self in big shoes.  Something tells me that’s not the last we’ve seen of Krumpy the Klown, yo.

After evacuating the first two floors of the hotel to prevent any potential running of the bulls, Brittany finally got Blackjack up on stage for Lily’s routine.

And then Katie danced behind the judges.

Crazy White Girl Dancing.  The kind of dancing that becomes the stuff of urban legends.

And screensavers.

Gabby didn’t have much better luck with Puddininininin who made a quick appearance and then hid behind a pile of maxi-pads for the rest of the show.

Did I forget to mention that Mom had lined his barnyard prop with maxi-pads just in case he…well…never mind.  If you have enough maxi-pads on hand to fill a barn, then we have bigger problems than a shy guinea pig.

And then some kids won some stuff.

But not the stuff they wanted to win.  Google it.

Right now, everyone back to the barn for a quick Tinker Tea nightcap and then hit the hay.  It’s been a long one.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back.