Toddlers & Tiaras: The International Fresh Faces Pageant Is All About The Face. So Take That…And Rewind It.

So lemme get this straight. First you take my crown. And now you’re taking my toys? HellNaw.

I dunno. I mean…I just…I just can’t imagine not having this T&T blog to read every week.

I heard that Boys don’t make passes at Girls who wear glasses. Gimme a few minutes…

That bitch is #Goals.

Now I see one boob.

At first I was all like “Yo. Hold my drink while I f*** this bitch up…” but then I was all like “Never mind. I think I got this.”

She ain’t touching this one, I can tell you that. I’m down to my last full box. And Mama likes.

Let’s Face it.

You know I’m all about that Face.

And this Face.

And this Face, of course.

And this vintage Face, served with a side of #Attitude.

And these Faces, for sure.  Clutch the pearls.

And this Face.  ‘member this one?  Holla at yo’ Coupon Queen Mama.

And whatever’s going on with this Face.

And this Face again, but with different hands.

And these Faces, both which gave me such #LIFE that I had to walk away for a moment.

And these Crazy Faces.

And every Face this Face ever made.

But let’s Face it.

We’re two episodes behind in our weekly Toddlers & Tiaras Quality Time because somebody at TLC thought it would be a good idea to stretch the Super-Sized 2 Part Season Finale around the Thanksgiving Holiday Season when everyone in the Real World was either slaving away over a hot plastic stove…

…or waiting in line at Best Buy for a $5 Black Friday plasma screen.  So…yeah.

To whoever thought that was a good idea:

But now we’re back.  And basically two episodes and three hours behind in recaps.

So no bathroom breaks today.

Let’s do this.

The last time we saw our heroines, Kim‘s Barbie Dream SUV was still parked outside some strip mall dance studio and tiny Selyse was still locked inside Cambrie Littlefield‘s Panic Room.

Look at how tiny her fingers are.  She couldn’t dig an escape tunnel if she wanted to…
As you’ll recall, Selyse was put into Solitary because she had been acting like a 3 year old during the Cambrie’s Court team dance rehearsal.

As you’ll also recall, Selyse is 3 years old.  So there’s that.

Look at that face.

Cambrie wanted Kim to make Selyse go to sleep, yet never really clarified if that was supposed to be accomplished with pills, a lullaby or a mallet to the head.  But since Cambrie is #Goals, I’m going to assume she meant Hug It Out, because violence is never the answer.

Don’t do NyQuil.  And stay in school, kids.

Eventually, Kim knocked down the door, rescuing Selyse…

…and then hustling her into the Barbie Dream GetAway SUV where there was already another unexplained randomly placed child in the back seat who clearly was not in the mood for paparazzi today.

Side note:  I love Kim.

She gets a bad rap from a ton o’ chat rooms and people on Twitter who still have the egg icon as their photo, but I think she’s a hoot.  And y’all know by now that I’m an equal opportunity snarker.

Just ask Paisley Dickey‘s Mom.  #PrettyWoman.

I literally dragged her through the first 6 seasons of this show, but couldn’t love her more.  She and that kid are sweeter than Pixie Stix, I swear.  If they ever remix that Booger Song with a stronger bass beat I would totally use it in Step Class.

We love Kim.  She’s a mess.  But it’s the good kind.  So it’s all love.

 Just like Kallyn‘s Mom Megan loves her vino.  Or almost as much.

Look at that.

Make yourself at home in our Thomasville showroom, ma’am.

Do any of these Pageant Moms even own shoes?

Megan is HIGH-larious.  But it was her husband Brandon who took top prize this time.

Part Yogi Bear‘s overwhelmed BFF…

Part Fire Island stuffed animal and part every shop teacher who ever lost a finger in every high school in America when he puts on his protective glasses…

…Brandon was 250+ pounds of weepy #ProudBabyDaddy, who got choked up every time he tried to talk about his #Daddy’sGirl Kallyn.

True Fact:  There is nothing like a Father’s Love.  Don’t ever take that for granted, kids.

We also met some boy that I’m going to assume is Kallyn’s brother…

…who looked really familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him from where exactly.
Dad made some shirts for the upcoming pageant in a variety of colors… …and proved again how much he loved his kid and iron-on heat-set lettering from Joanne’s.

Side note:  Jaimie/Adele kept showing up in clips where she was standing in front of a #ChoreBoard.

I’m not sure why the kid on the left had more chores to do than the kid on the right.

I’m also not sure why one of the chores wasn’t ‘Clean This Damn Chalkboard’ because that thing hadn’t been washed since the last time Jaimie went on tour.

C’mon.  How can you not love Jaimie?

Side note #2: Kallyn smelled Hot Pockets being microwaved down the hall and completely spaced out during the interview process.

No clue where she gets her lack of focus from.
Hit me, bartender.

Moving on, we headed back to LensCrafters to finally get an explanation as to why Cambrie had been holding all her Team Meetings in an optical shop.

Mystery solved.

According to the blurred-out 2nd row, all of Cambrie’s kids are blind.

FDA Disclaimer:  There is no known connection between 20/700 eyesight and taking collagen spray shots directly in your open orbital cavities.  None whatsoever.  So don’t even bother calling your lawyer.

Look at how cute the kids look with goggles.

But you didn’t need your new specs to see Hallee’s Mom lounging on her giant Roomba, did ya?

Because there she was again, chilling back all carefree and shoeless while the Taco Bell dog licked his burrito hole on national television.

And that’s Elicia.

With an…

And a smokey eye, ‘mmkay?
Elicia’s a cheer coach and the Most Hated Mom on the pageant circuit right now.

She also holds the record for cooking the most hot dogs in one day.  You see that spread?

I love how her husband Mark always had the same look on his face no matter what scene they were taping.  The only thing that ever changed was the designer logo on his shirt.

That’s the only way I knew it was a different day.  #TrueStory.

And excuse me.  How about Lola?

So.  Cute.  Drop Dead Cute.

And since the upcoming International Fresh Faces Pageant was strictly Neck-Up, Jaimie figured Lola was a shoe-in for Ultimate Grand Supreme.

Lola’s Mom Jessica even took time off from filming an episode of Grey’s Anatomy to grant an interview before scooting out to her (…Spoiler Alert!…) BoxAerobics class at the Y.

You just wait.

Oh.  And Piper‘s back.  And her Mom Katie.  And her Dad with the Cowboy Hat.

No shoes, tho.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Lola’s Secret Weapon was her #Wink.

Because it was.

Anyway.  I hope you’re safely reclined in your Carol Burnett Fainting Couch…

…because right here was when the T&T Train went off the rails.

Piper was going on stage this weekend…with NO flipper.

I know, right?  That’s crazy.
Spoiler Alert:  Actually, that’s not crazy.  This is crazy.
But not yet.

That’ll have to wait until Showtime.

Which was just about to start, as soon as we were introduced to Co-Directors Poncho and Michael.

And as soon as I regained consciousness after inhaling all their awesomeness.

Just. Yaaaaaassssssss.

Since this pageant was all about the Face, nothing below the neck even mattered.

Not the costumes.  Not the fancy footwork.  Nuthin.

The judges were even informed to only score #FacialBeauty, which was so wrong it was right on so many levels.  Ugly Kids Need Not Apply.  Really.  I mean it.

Side note:  Don’t even ask me why everyone was putting a second mortgage on their homes to pay for cupcake dresses that wouldn’t even skew the numbers.  Don’t.

Lola from the Future even came back in time to host the pageant.

Cuz Poncho and Michael don’t play.

Not with the rules (…Spoiler Alert:  Put that toy down, you greedy kid…) or with the pre-game State Fair festivities, which included games and rides and snow cones and a monkey drinking Windex.

Oh.  And strippers.  With kids in the room.

Look at Magic Jimmy all like “Simmer down, honey.  You already got a horse in the barn.”

Megan whipped that iPhone out pretty fast, too, if you ask me.  But I’m not judging.

Her friend that cuts fabric down at Walmart is never gonna believe this one.

And now that the lady folk were all wound up, it was time to get the 2 Day festivities started!

Finally, it was really Showtime!

Day 1:  Beauty and Swimwear.

Right out of the gate, things were a little awkward as both Cambrie’s Court and the Sassy Supremes were forced to share a makeup room.  It was all about tight quarters and even tighter hot rollers.

Because Pretty is Painful, FYI.
And Kim is always late, FYI.
This time it was something about the flight just getting in and reading the text wrong and needing to feed the baby first because she’s a baby even though as soon as Kim got to the makeup room she sat Selyse down and fed her more cereal.  So I dunno.

I love her.  But she makes my head hurt sometimes.

Disclaimer:  That wasn’t Kim or Selyse.  And you probably don’t want to try that at home.

Needless to say, Selyse had to skip the nails again and get snatched up by her Stylist Friend, who proceeded to run a full Spartan Iron Man course with a 3 year old sand bag under one arm.

There was even an obstacle course that included stepping over empty Red Bull cans and racing up two flights of stairs.  Jesus take the Wheel.  And this baby, too, cuz she weighs a ton with all that hair.

Luckily, they ran right up to the lady with the iPhone chip reader who takes registrations, because Kim also forgot to sign Selyse up for this shindig while she was feeding her and misreading texts.

Look at how elaborate the back of that lady’s vest is.  Do you think she crocheted that herself?

After a quick pit stop, they were $395 in the hole…but back in the race.

Selyse made it.  Barely.

So I guess nobody could notch out that curly piece of jigsawed plywood so every kid didn’t have to step up and over it before falling head first into the stage runway lights?

 I bet Brandon could’ve fixed that in under 3 minutes.  #SafetyFirst, of course.

Clearly, the best part of the pageant was after they came off the stage, every child got to scoop up some stash from the massive International Fresh Faces Toy Toy Table.

Because that’s what Poncho called it.  

Because he couldn’t say Toy Table single…ular…ly.

Look at how precious.  What a little bird, right?

As all that hilarity was ensuing, little peanut Kallyn was attempting to cross enemy lines and say hello to her friends in the Cambrie Camp.  Because she’s everyone’s friend.  Beautiful on the inside and outside.

By the time she hit the stage, it was all over.

Cue the #ProudPoppaBear tears.

And the #ProudMamaBear tears.  I knew she had it in her.
#Deuces.
Check it out.  The middle judge totally matches that Marimekko chair.
To Infinity & Beyond Cute:  Caitlyn was next on stage and she rocked it as always.  Unfortunately, coming down from that performance high, she snatched up the wrong toy toy from the wrong toy toy table and got slapped down down by Poncho in front of everyone in the room.

You can not do that.

Relax, dude.  I think you got enough Banana Monkeys to go around.

 Mom Charis was NOT happy.  She cried and then kinda blended into the background curtains.
Meanwhile, Piper was having a bad day.

She was grumpy and sleepy and her ginger weave was hurting her head every time someone clipped in a track.  Take it easy, woman.  I’m not wearing a flipper.

And as if that wasn’t crazy enough, Mark and Elicia with an E had decided to enter Hallee into the competition wearing a pantsuit.

That’s right.  You heard me.

A.  Pant.  Suit.

Who does that?

At least it fit, thank you Jesus.

Side note:  Using all this pre-game chaos as a smokescreen, my Boo Jayliana and Mom Deb were huddled off in the corner trying to convince pint sized Kallyn to jump ship and join Cambrie’s Court…where you can ride magical unicorns and get collagen facials 24/7.

Not gonna lie.  It’s pretty awesome.

Not as awesome as your Dad’s pink shirt and definitely not as awesome as whatever’s happening to your hair right now…

 …but pretty awesome.

Deb actually said “Gimme Knuckles” and set the clock back to Jersey Shore time.

But let’s be real.

The best part of this entire 3 hour block was when Piper spied her sister Harlie scarfing down a lollipop and was all like ‘Where’d you get that?’ and Harlie was all like ‘What?  This?  This lollipop?  The lollipop that’s supposed to replace all the crowns and parental attention you’ve stolen from me over the years with not even an ounce of regret?  This lollipop?’

(…Sucking Noise…)

This one?

If you’ve ever competed against a sibling in your lifetime, you just saw Jesus.

And then Jimmy got a text that Piper was supposed to already be on stage instead sitting there like leftovers with half her hair still in a bag.

Codeword: PANIC.  And SUCK IT IN.*

*Save a horse.  Ride a Pageant Kid.

Side note:  Anyone else see that Park Ranger show up right when Piper was running out the door?  It happened so fast I couldn’t even catch it with a screenshot.  What was that all about?  Please tell me there aren’t animals in this one, too.  No more #PoopGate please.

But Piper made it on time.  Barely.

And then she just kind of stood there on stage like a stalled car for a second or two, which was just enough time for Michael to get a jump start on his 2017 taxes.

And even though it shouldn’t really matter since the whole thing was a Face thing, it got her Mom so worked up that Katie had to go outside and take a few drags on her vaporizer and begin the Meltdown process.

Hallee nailed her pantsuit routine with some Bollywood fingers and #Sass.

I don’t know anything, but I know that kid is gorgeous.

Ditto.  Lola.

The Swimwear portion of the competition went off without any major drama, aside from Hallee’s parents forgetting her suit back at their condo.  Luckily, Dad was back there changing into a different polo shirt, so he came running over with suit in hand to save the day.

And it had sleeves.  Which the judges L-O-V-E-D.

All the kids 3 and under jumped around like they had beach sand in their suits, while the older kids all werked the stage like they were in an MTV video.  Shoutout to Jayliana.

Score so far:  Bonus Points go to the Editing Dept. who cut right from a clip of Katie stating that all Cambrie’s Court Moms are classless to this Mom in the audience.
I see what you did there, TLC.

Day 2:  Talent.

The short version:  Hallee didn’t want to throw her tuck in rehearsal, which made her Mom blow a nutty and in turn made Hallee cry.  Cambrie came at her with sharp Q-Tips instead of Kleenex because she wasn’t gonna do her face over again.  Time is money.

Kailia was back on her suspended aerial Cirque du Soleil ring thing snapping her spine.

And Britney Spears sang during the breaks.

All the kids did amazing.

And then finally…2 weeks and 3 hours later…it was time for Crowning!

 And Drama.

Selyse only scored Beauty Alternate, which really pissed off Kim.  Without reading the rules, I’m gonna have to assume that means she is eligible to take over the crown if the reigning Miss Fresh Face is no longer pretty anymore and can no longer hold the title.  Is that right?

Jaimie/Adele was all like #ToldYouSo about that #LegitHotMess.

Cambrie was all like #OyVey.

Kallyn got Queen.

Dad cried again and then Mom straight up Ugly Cried so hard the curl came out of her hair.

Piper got another Beauty Alternate title and threw some gang signs and then Katie lost it.

Piper was robbed.  #ByeByeBitches.

And then…Wait.  What?

Did you…?  No way.

#MoreNisa.  Visit my Kickstarter Page.  I’ll pay if I have to.

Jayliana took Beauty Photo Supreme.

I love how Jayliana is always happy with whatever title she gets.  Even at Crossfit.

I was proud.  Mom was proud.  Deb even had a hazy dream sequence remembering all the times Mustache Guy lurked in the background for some reason.

So take THAT and rewind it back, yo.
JayBae’s Mom got the beat to make your booty go (clap!)

Kailia scored First Place in the Talent category (…no surprise, girlfriend…) and then Lola took Grand Supreme, which came with a sparkly crown, an envelope full of hot cash and a role as Vanity from Apollonia 6 in the new Purple Rain reboot.

Am I wrong?  Look at that doll.

Drumroll.

Ladies & Gentlemen.  You’re Ultimate Grand Supremes.

Ages 7-8:  Emily!  From the Dueling Cousins Show!  Hey, Mom!

Ages 9-11:  Hallee!

Now everyone was crying and cheering and crying some more.

AND it was Hallee’s Birthday!  Best.  Present.  Ever.

They even took her out back and made her do that Sorority thing where you crawl under the legs of all your sisters and they spank you like a naughty girl.

Anyone else catch that player sneaking in for a touchdown when the game was already over?

You’re a Real Boy now, Pinocchio.

And then it happened.

All the stress from an entire season of glitz pageantry and all the leftover Me & My Pet poop just hit the fan.  Hard.  In the hall.

Kim was doing one of her confessional interviews behind one of those accordion wall/door things…

…when she spied Lola’s Mom snooping through the cracks.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Kim was hormonal.  And pregnant.

Hormonally pregnant.

Because that’s kind of important.

I see you out here.  You really want to do this?  Why you spying?

I know you’re in there talking s*** about Sassy Supremes.

You wanna talk s*** about who’s talking s***?  You’re talking s***.  All season.

Jaimie even came out of her own interview for a second but then thought better.  Cleaning up this hot mess ain’t on the list, honey.

And then this happened.

Dat’s rite.  Jessica threw her damn drink right in Kim’s damn face.

Look at how she even squeezed the cup to make sure the lid popped off.

This ain’t her first rodeo.

Jaimie came back out and tried to youtube the fight but had her phone facing the wrong way.

And then Jessica took off and left Kim and Jaimie alone in the hallway to have the most uncomfortable confrontation ever under the worst harsh lighting imaginable.
It was long and involved and exceptionally dramatic.

#ByeFelicia.

Jaimie busted out the back door and told somebody to either take off her dress or her live mic pack.  It wasn’t really clear and she was already out of the shot, so…

And then it was over.

Elicia called home to make sure this s*** was DVR’d and to remind the sitter to walk the Taco Bell dog.

Cambrie was still giving #Face and #Goals.
Jaimie was vowing to come back bigger and better next season.
And I’m waaaaay past the word count they say makes for an enjoyable blog post.

So that’s it.

We made it through Toddler 2.0.

And I couldn’t have done it without you.  Really.

But I’m gonna leave before I get emotional.

Let’s do it again soon.

Like next season, maybe…right, TLC?

Sparkle, baby.

Muah.