You might wanna step aside, cuz my baby ’bout to put a whole lot of Playa back into this li’l Playground, ‘kay?
Chillax, Girls. You don’t even need a knife to spread all this on a cracker.
He looked taller on The Jeffersons, but dang that boy is a fine piece of candy.
Heaven’s missing an angel and your boy is missing a baby tooth. Coincidence? I don’t think so, Girl. Let’s get this done.
Sup? Just hanging out in a wig and an Old Navy polo shirt. Chicks dig that s***.
Imma ’bout ready to whoop his a** for gettin’ in my weave drawer. But srsly…how cute is my baby? He got this.
It makes me sad knowing that there’s some girls out there that are never gonna get a piece of this.
America.
We salute you.
We wave our flags for you. Proudly support our troops for you. We won’t deliver mail on holidays for you. We even take the Metro-North train into New Jersey on Sundays just to buy illegal fireworks for you.
And now we’re even blowing awkward finger kisses right in your face.
America. You totally sparkle, baby.
Toddlers & Tiaras lifted their cupcake dress and flashed us some patriotism this week when the History of America Pageant paid tribute to the Red, White & Blue.
Think of it as a cross between a 4th of July picnic on steroids and one of those firework factory explosions you always see on the news where all the rockets go off at once in a thousand different directions.
Because that’s basically what happened as sugarized kid after sparkly kid criss crossed the stage in everything from Abe Lincoln hats to foam Statue of Liberty crowns.
It was also the return of SwagMaster Traven and the realization that not one person in America actually knows anything about American history.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Director Dena Jackson explained how the History of America Pageant was going to go down, and if you really needed somebody to explain this one to you than you clearly skipped all of Fifth Grade and should be Googling online Adult Ed courses right now and not reading hilarious blogs.
It’s the History of America. Figure it out.
The first contestant we met didn’t really need an introduction if you’ve been creeping TLC for the last few years. It was 7 year old Traven and his Mom LaNesia.
Dat’s rite, ladies. Hold onto your Huggies LIttle Crawlers. He’s baaaack.
Smooth Operator Traven.
With his SexyWink and his GetItGurlPoint and all that MadSwag.
The last time we saw Traven, he was a 6 year old playground chauvinist (…“This is MY house, woman! I’m the MAN!”…) who used a fairly age-appropriate combination of testosterone and toddler terrorism to win loads of crowns and drive Mom even more cray cray than she already was. And you know how much I love me some cray.
Especially when your kid makes you that way.
But that was then. Way back when he was 6 years old.
Now he’s 7. And he’s straight up Kanye West.
Yo, Mom. I’m really happy for you…and Imma let you finish yo’ KFC, but…
This kid is off the chain.
Mom referred to Traven as “…still a little devil…” in that exhausted, eye rolly way a Mom does when her kid gets caught by the local news on Super Bowl Sunday tossing a trash can through a Best Buy window and then running down the street with a Samsung SmartTV under his arm. Go Patriots!
That scamp.
Truth. There’s probably a whole psych ward out there somewhere full of nothing but Traven’s old babysitters all curled up in a ball drooling gibberish and eating jello with their fingers.
He’s a handful, to say the least.
But Mama’s got a new man in her life. A man who likes Traven and has become a father figure of sorts to the boy.
A man who also likes Big Butts and he cannot lie.
He really does.
That little tidbit came up in passing around the same time that Traven laid a smack down on Mama’s substantial Cushion for the Pushin’.
All I know is that someone else would be writing this recap right now if I had ever told my Mom she had a fat a**, because there’s no wi-fi internet connection six feet under.
But TMan got away with it somehow, even though Mama did whip her Sidekick out of her bra and threaten to call new Baby Daddy Johnny.
Not gonna lie. Big girls who keep their communication devices inside their ‘happy spot’ pretty much give me life. It also makes waiting in that long line at Burger King everyday much more entertaining now that I’ve honed my eavesdropping skills to CIA level.
Where you at, bitch? You want fries or rings? Is that Tyrone I hear? OhHellNo. Do NOT tell me he’s there. No, I said fries or rings. I dunno which one is cheaper, bitch.
While LaNesia put her cell back into her MamaCup to recharge, we moved on to meet 6 year old Jaidyn and Mom Tiffany as they whipped up a pan of Green Eggs & Ham.
Yeeeuck.
Little Jaidyn’s History of America Outfit of Choice was going to be The Cat In The Hat for some reason. I don’t really remember the character playing a pivotal role in the Civil War, but in all honesty it’s been a long time since I’ve read the book. They were coloring scrambled eggs to help get into the Zone to win this week’s pageant.
Because it’s all about winning. Jaidyn said it. And then Mom said it. And then they both said it about 100 more times.
Jaidyn was a cutie and Mom was already a little nervous with four days to go. She’s a fidgeter, especially when it came to Jaidyn’s ill-fitting Beauty dress. But they made a good team and I loved the way Jaidyn always wrapped herself into a human pretzel when she talked.
After trying to digest all those eggs, we met up with our final petite princess, 5 year old Aja and Mom India.
When is the Kate Gosselin haircut thing finally going to be over?
Seriously. Haven’t we had this discussion after nearly every T&T episode for the past six seasons? I know we just talked about it a few weeks ago. Even Kate finally threw in the towel. And where do they keep finding salons trained to do that cut?
And who even keeps a picture of that spiky skunky hairstyle hanging around after all these years? How old are the magazines at that JCPenney? There’s a reason Jon is living in the woods now.
Aside from Mom’s flashback head, the family liked huntin’ and fishin’ and Dorothy Hamill, because that’s the ice skater haircut that Mom had back when she was in pageants herself.
Kudos to any stylist who can turn a Dorothy into a Kate. That feat alone probably required two sets of clippers and a NASA degree.
Aja was a patootie of a nugget who liked finger painting Mom’s face with so much camouflage that they both looked like they were going out after dark to spy on Jon’s tent from the bushes. Where did all that DBag Ed Hardy money go, anyway?
Mom worked FIVE jobs to keep Aja in pageants. Clearly none of them involved salons or NASA, if you know what I mean. Being as busy as she was out in the corporate world, that may explain why India wasn’t up to date on any of the latest hair trends or the fact that there are only 50 states in America. Not 52.
Because that totally happened.
Aja was going to be rocking a sailor outfit for the History of America portion of the competition, which I guess made more sense than something from a Dr. Seuss book even though Mom had no idea why they had chosen it over one of the Whoville characters.
Oh, Mom. By the time she tried answering a simple off-screen question from one of the TLC interns my head started to hurt.
Back at the TMan’s hizzle, LaNesia was throwing a big a** BBQ send off for Traven, with so many kids and family and friends that it looked like some ’80s sitcom reunion show.
Gah. I need to hang with this crew. Asap. They know how to par-tay.
And I love me some LaNesia. Especially when she wears her sunglasses on her head and makes all those crazy faces, because obviously a tight pair of knock-off Chanels is a lot cheaper than getting your weave sewn in securely. She is a RIOT. All in caps.
Hit me up on your Ta Ta Telephone, Girl. I mean it.
Unfortunately, when Mama decided to toss a surprise pop quiz at all the kids to see if they did their American History homework, it became pretty clear that Russia will own the United States before the next generation ever graduates from high school. Really.
Despite the fact that nobody knew who Uncle Sam was, or who discovered America, or what the President’s job description included…I think it went fairly well.
Even Aja and Jaidyn’s family got in their own version of Jeopardy before the commercial break. Nobody took home any lovely parting gifts over there, either. I think they lost points when one of the little girls thought that President Obama was in charge of giving baths to cats.
There was also something about pole dancing. I kind of blacked out for a second.
The future of our country. It’s all yours, America.
Finally, it was Showtime! And Franky time!
You heard me. There was a new boy in town. And he was gunning for Traven’s turf.
Franky was a 10 year old slickster best known for chillin’ like a villain in his Nike Swoosh shirt and breaking hearts just by being in the same room with all the lovelies.
But LaNesia wasn’t afraid, because her baby had it goin’ on. It’s called SWAG. Also all in caps. And nobody got the swag that Traven got. Mmmkay?
In between fine tuning his George Jefferson dancing moves and busting out a few practice winks, Traven noted that any dude who thought they could beat him on stage was a chump.
When it came down to Mano a Mano on the stage, Franky was described as having Handsome Hair (…what does that even mean?…) and Traven worked a zebra print cane like he was pimping playground bitches, yo.
And what was the deal with the guy in the audience who kept standing up and clapping above his head? Please tell me you saw him. Dude certainly appeared to be a little over stimulated to be around that many small children, don’t you think? I appreciate enthusiasm and support as much as the next person, but I think someone took a few hits off his daughter’s pixie stix when nobody was looking.
Wth 24 seconds to go before her number was called, Jaidyn decided it might be time to try on that ill-fitting Beauty dress again. And guess what? It was still ill-fitting.
Really? Right now you decided to give it a test drive? Why does this always happen? Clearly, they did not watch last week’s episode when they same thing happened. Or the week before when the same thing happened.
It’s called Time Management, people. Or Common Sense. I forget.
The History of America portion is when it got good.
Franky did a soft shoe Dancing With The Stars routine dressed like the ROTC guy who goes to all the universities in September. LaNesia was all like ‘meh’ and not impressed.
Her baby got this.
Traven was Uncle Sam, George Jefferson and Kanye West all rolled into one big iParty hat as he busted out every youtube dance he could remember on the fly. He even threw in a little Chris Brown if you count when he slammed the microphone down like it was Rihanna‘s head.
Ouch. What? Too soon? It’s been like forever.
Jaidyn got up on stage just in time for the sound guys to put in the wrong CD and freak her Cat In The Hat pants off. But she recovered and made it out alive. Aja’s sailor dance looked like it was pulled straight from the Warner Brothers archives. Somebody should really call her when they do a remake of some old ’40s movie.
She is stupid cute.
By the time it was over, some kids won some stuff and other gets got patriotically boned, so to speak.
Poor tiny Aja got the “Rising Star” crown, which was explained as basically being a participation trophy. Or a ‘thanks for coming’ attaboy pat on the head. If you framed your room receipt from the front desk it pretty much amounted to the same level of prestige. Wah. Kate Gosselin was not happy.
Jaidyn got handed a flag, which meant she pulled for a higher title, and then they spent way too long on a camera shot of some old lady putting on lipstick. I didn’t ask.
Franky stole Traven’s crown right out from under him and for the first time the TMan had to go home without the top prize. Uh oh.
No Ultimate Grand Supreme? LaNesia was all like SayWhatOhNoTheyDin’t and I was all like WhyIsFrankyWearingALittleGirl’sTiaraDuringCrowning?
Jaidyn won Most Beautiful which I thought was a good thing, but Mom was not happy. I know I hate it when people tell me I’m beautiful.
And then it was over.
We never really got a straight answer on what year Christopher Columbus discovered America, but at least we got to see the Statue of Liberty booty pop.
I’d love to chat longer, especially since this may or may not have been the LAST episode of Toddlers & Tiaras EVAH…but Barrack and I have to give the cat a sponge bath.
So for now, God Bless the USA.
And TLC.
