Toddlers & Tiaras: Snatch That Crown And Hit The Road. It’s Time To Pack Up And Head To Vegas, Baby. Game On!

So I never actually looked around here before. Cambrie got 7 different sets and I got a bathroom?

No, look. I literally have two dents in my nose from the damn sunglasses that won’t go away.

Hell yeah we’re rolling 40 Proof this weekend. Bring It!

Now was it really that hard to get it right? I don’t even know what Math is but I figured it out.

Gimme strength, cuz I’m about to save a horse and ride a cowboy right through that wall.

Me? Just a banana hair clip and a black Old Navy V-Neck sweater. What are you wearing?

I know when that bell rings, if I wake up with straight hair Imma go Aretha on somebody’s a**

And finally…

It’s time for Crowning.

Welcome back, e’rrybody.

Toddlers & Tiaras finally got around to handing out some headgear this week as the GemStars Heroes vs. Villains Pageant wrapped up its 14 episode arc.

Look.  Even Director Debbie Graston was all like ‘Can we just wrap this thing up so I don’t have to go out and feed the meter again, please?’

Ok.  Fine.  In actuality, it was probably less than 14 episodes.

But the new and improved Toddler 2.0 is apparently going to spread every pageant out over the span of a few weeks and then (…Spoiler Alert!…) maybe even randomly stick half a new episode onto the end of what you thought was just going to be last week’s storyline.  Like when your DVR somehow tapes the last half of one show and the first half of the next episode and then forgets to shut itself off.

And if you understood that, you’re a hardcore T&T fan.  And if you didn’t, you should probably be watching American Horror Story anyway.  Lady Gaga‘s on it, you know.

So, anyway.  It was time for crowning.  After one last hallway throw down.

We picked up right where we left off last week with Mom Becky and her husband and his backwards sunglasses still accusing Mom Katie and her husband and his cowboy hat of being Trailer Trash and creating the fake FairPageantBureau.com website in an attempt to sabotage little Kaylee‘s chances at scoring a title.

They showed us the FPB email again…

…except that this time the ‘Rebecca’ part was highlighted in yellow magic marker because Jimmy the Cowboy is the only person who ever calls Becky ‘Rebecca.’  

Which meant that there was no doubt in Becky/Rebecca’s mind that Katie was the Mastermind behind the whole elaborate scheme to purchase and set up a domain name through GoDaddy, create a fake website with WordPress, send out emails from an unsecured server and then wipe the hard drive so clean she could run for President.

Allegedly, of course.

It’s complicated.

And it’s also why we’re 3 weeks in and there’s still nobody with a crown on their head.

Becky screamed at Jimmy.  Jimmy screamed at Becky.  Becky called them Trailer Trash about a million times and then Jimmy said “Yeah, I got horses and friends in low places” and then went outside with Katie and that Bow Tie Mom to…I dunno…feed ’em, maybe.

For some comic relief, Katie rubbed her face all over the glass door like this…

…except that it was her butt, not her face, which made Becky get all like Whaaaaa?

And then somebody may or may not have called Katie a whore, which made Jimmy come storming back inside with his cowboy hat and blurred out Fresca and peanut M&Ms…
…yelling ‘You call my wife a whore?’...
…and getting all up in Becky’s husband’s face like…
…until some guy with a mustache showed up like a Redneck Ninja and broke up the party.
Is it just me, or…?  Tell me that’s not the same guy.
Those pillows are proudly made in the USA, by the way.  ‘Merica.

And then Jimmy got all like “For the last time, my wife’s not a whore” before kicking open the door with his boot like they used to do on Gunsmoke and riding off into the sunset on his loyal Palomino steed.

Look at those Saloon Girls in the background.

Side note:  Also look at those sunglasses.  They aren’t going anywhere.
Once all that drama wrapped up, it was time to move on to new drama:  Crowning.

Tiny little squirt Selyse got the first lowball of the evening, because…remember…Pageant Math.  You don’t want to win anything at these things.  At least not until the end.

True Fact:  That lady actually comes with the crown.  Her only job is to hold those giant things on your head so there’s no risk of paralysis before kindergarten.

Mom Kim thought Selyse’s award was BS, but blamed it on former coach Jaimie and knew that once they completed the transition to Cambrie’s Court, her baby would start winning.  Winning like a Boss.

If she ever figured out how to get home from Oz, that is.

What the what is that green room?

That bridge leads you right into the back wall, fercryinoutloud.

Kidding.  That’s actually where they filmed Superman.  She’s just on a puppet break.
The next crown that nobody wanted went to Special Harlie, who didn’t even want to be there in the first place.  She took the 5-6 Princess title.  Because she’s 7.

Pageant Math.

I know, right?
Check out the #SideEye from that blonde chick.

My Boo Jayliana scored the next one.  7-9 Queen.  Whatever.

#NaturalHairDontCare.

Side note:  I guess in Pageant Land, it’s not good enough anymore to just pop out a rib or two for a slimmer waistline.  Now they expect you to extract DNA, because JayBae actually had points taken off her score card at one pageant for not relaxing her ‘do.

Yeah.  What she said.

Cadence was awarded the next crown.

Glitz Mini Grand Supreme.  Which sounded pretty rad, but didn’t come late enough in the rankings so it made Mom Amy ugly cry out in the hall.

Is there a body in that garbage bag or yes?

Oh, man.  I shouldn’t have said anything.  Now they’re both crying.

#ProudMamas.

Poison Ivy Piper stole the Beauty Turquoise Supreme title, whatever that was.  I’m seriously starting to think the emcees are just making this s*** up as they go.

That’s actually a shot from this week’s Dance Moms, but it’s still how all the Moms were acting when they heard their kid’s names and it will get DM fans off my a** for not recapping Season 6.5…Everyone happy now?

Except Piper, I mean.

Kaylee won Pink Diamond, which again sounded cool, but turned out to be a category that was supposed to be reserved only for kids who have not made more than $300 in their entire career.  Which pretty much makes me eligible for my first crown ever.

I’d like to thank the Academy.

The final leg of cutie patootie Caitlyn‘s 2016 Redemption Tour paid off with a Glitz Grand Diamond Supreme crown, which nobody snatched off her head for a change.

Look at these two niblets.

One of us is gonna have to change and it’s not gonna be me.  #BitchStoleMyLook.

And to put this thing to bed, Riley shut the joint down by winning Ultimate Diamond Grand Supreme Deep Dish Double Cheese.  And the crowd went wild.

Mom Sheena was super excited, but not so much Jaimie, who got all like…

…and then made a pouty Kardashian Face to show her disdain for the results.
Did you see that article about how Kylie’s lip plumping whatchamacallit is actually made in the same factory that spits out $1.99 CVS chapstick?  We love Adele.

Needless to say, Katie wasn’t having it with any of those results.

She felt that her daughter Piper should have won the Top Spot.

And would have won the Top Spot if she had not tripped on her gown.  Twice.

And then she took all the progress that our country has made on mental health legislation and set it back about 100 years by fake calling an Insane Asylum to come pick up Kim, Sheena and Becky and to lock them up in the same room that she herself had just escaped from last week.

I swear.  The sheets were still hanging out the window through the iron bars.

And you know that’s a joke, right?

Because you know I love all these (…allegedly…) crazy Moms.

And they don’t put bars on windows anymore.  They just bolt them shut from the outside with L brackets.  Google it.  It’s true, I swear.

The whole scene was enough to make you wanna pull out your own eyelashes.

Doesn’t Katie look like she’s ordering takeout for the office?  Hold on.  One at a time.

Which reminds me.

Where the hell is that waitress with my two styrofoam heads and hash browns?

And then the next episode started!
Except it was the same episode, ‘kay?

Because Toddler 2.0.  Don’t ask.

It doesn’t even matter how or why, really.  Because this was about to happen…

We were back in Vegas.

Cambrie Littlefield‘s home turf.  And it was Game On, bitches.

Cambrie’s Court was about to go up against one of their toughest competitors in the bidnezz:  Top Models.  So it was time get serious.

Ladies and Gentlemen…Amanda.

Pageant Director/Coach at Top Models.

A woman who don’t play when it comes to pageants.  And a woman who has a penchant for wearing Michael Kors sunglasses on her head.

And Nisa.

Talent Coach at Top Models, who also don’t play when it comes to pageants and has a penchant for wearing sunglasses on her face.  At all hours.  And with every outfit.  And in every situation imaginable, looking like she just got dilated and had to drive herself home from the optician even though it specifically says on the eye drop bottle to call a friend.

Part Dr. Evil.

Part Invisible Man.
Part Yoko Ono on her craziest day.
Nisa is…well…she’s Nisa, dahling.And Nisa doesn’t care for Cambrie, dahling.  Even though Cambrie is #Goals.

Side note:  Dat dress, doe.  You could literally put Becky’s husband’s sunglasses on those things and they wouldn’t fall off.  Did I already say #Goals?  I forget.

Honestly, the best part about when Amanda and Nisa get together is the way Amanda looks at Nisa like she’s never seen her before.

Who is this?
No really.
Who is this?
Amanda’s daughter Landree also competes in the circuit, but Nisa sucked so much oxygen out of the room that I don’t remember anything except the $7,500 in kiddie pageant money that paid for the above-ground pool.  Because that totally happened.

And then Nisa picked up her dog/cat and told somebody that Cambrie should be a lady in the streets but a freak in the car before dramatically leaving the studio.

One.  I don’t think that’s how the song really goes.

And Two.  I don’t think I even told that story in the right order.

Still. #Goals.

Somewhere around here was when we met 5 year old Addison and her Mom Trish and her Mom Trish’s red eye shadow.

If that wall was an adobe color, I’d swear she was the hostess at Olive Garden.

And doesn’t that seem like a lot of poop for such a tiny dog?  It took two people with two garbage bags an entire scene to pick up everything that came out of that hamster.

At least we know why their eyes were burning.  Who left that in the hall?  You nasty, gurl.

Post-poop, Addison had a Skype coaching lesson with Amanda and Sia……which cost them $125 per hour, probably because Sia is so famous.

And then freakin’ FINALLY we got to spend time with Jayliana and her Mom Deborah, who was sprawled out on the couch putting back vino but not putting up with any crap.

We heart Deb so hard.

Mostly because she keeps an ice bucket literally on the couch next to her so she doesn’t have to get up.  And because she still has that one shoe on the sofa table.  And because she likes funky socks.  And because she’ll mess you up if you try and flat iron her kid’s hair without parental consent.

But mostly, mostly because she’s a riot.  Period.  End of story.

Whoa.  Looks like she dozed of there for a second.

Nope.  She’s back.  Oh, yeah…Mama likes.
I can’t even do justice to Deb’s rant about Pageant Mama Drama and taking a hiatus and coming back and blowing things out your blow holes and hitting somebody if they don’t shut up, so I’ll just raise my glass of pink slushie whatever that is and then sleep it off.

Side note:  Jayliana has a Michael Jackson Thriller costume just hanging in her room like it was nothing.  Because of course she does.

Side note:  Cambrie dropped by to run JayBae through some Macbook powerpoint presentations where everyone’s hair seemed to really be on point.

 And then we got hypnotized.  Really.
Because that totally happened next.

Since Jayliana and two other little nuggets were having trouble keeping their smile-on during judging, Cambrie brought the whole Court over to some Vegas Hypnotist Dude’s PALACE home to help them stop smoking.

Or something.

I dunno.

The fact that his house was bigger than the town I grew up in got me so twisted that I wasn’t paying attention.  Did you see that real estate?  That can’t be one person’s house.

Relax.  Sleepy.  Sleepy.  Cowbell.

Then Pretty Feet.  And they were cured, I guess.

Disclaimer:  I’m dying to make a joke about how Mr. Vegas should’ve probably hypnotized this dude right here in the green polo to stop looking at Cambrie’s boobs, but I don’t know if that’s her Dad or not and that would just be gross.  So I won’t.

Please tell me that’s not her Dad, because the more I look at their noses I’m thinking I should probably hit ‘DELETE’ but it’s too late now.

Finally, it was Showtime!  The Supreme Me Pageant in Vegas, Baby.

And almost the end of this episode.  Because, you know…Toddler 2.0.

So we’ll whip a Nae Nae through this part, since it’s really a preview of next week.

Cambrie’s Court showed up on the TMZ Tour Bus.

Jayliana dropped a second Nae Nae.

Everyone thought that Cambrie’s makeup guy Mykel Baca was going to also be doing makeup for all 73 of Amanda’s girls…

  …until they got a call informing them otherwise.  A call which Amanda thought might at first be just a poorly executed prank by someone with too much time on their hands…
…until they found out that it was true and confronted Cambrie, who pulled a fake call of her own, walking away saying she didn’t have time for their Mama Drama even though it was clear to everyone she was just holding the Weather App up to her head.
Mom Trish lost her noodle and said that this is the worst thing that could possibly happen (…trumping even cancer and the typhoon that wiped out an entire city last year, I guess…) and then made this face before threatening to book a flight back to Dallas asap.

No makeup?  Sorry, kids.  It’s a scheduling thang.  Mykel made this face.

A little peanut made this face, which was so sad I wanted to put lipstick on her myself.

Nisa made this face.

And now we just wait until next week.

When Jayliana gets her hair did and we all make this face.

Nisa.  One more time, please.