How can she NOT have Jungle Boogie on replay? It’s like a Kool & The Gang classic. Google it.
It’s my Pageant and I’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry too if it happened to you.
#DivisionalSucks
Listen. I don’t care how funny your blog is. Stop creeping me or I swear to Gawd I’m calling the cops.
I don’t care if we beat her in the Baby Fell Off The Stage Category as long as we beat her, yo.
Maybe if I’d won that damn car I could put all this loot in the trunk and not have to carry it home.
I know I didn’t just spend $2,000 and lose a wisdom tooth to go home with a giant plastic crayon.
Be careful, kids.
Cuz it’s a Jungle out there.
Even better.
But don’t blink…
…or you’ll miss it, because the Toddlers & Tiaras action was so fast paced and heavily caffeinated this week that they had to split Tonya and her Bailey’s Pageants Jungle Safari Extravaganza into two parts.
Sorta. I think.
Maybe.
Or not so much a Part 2 as just the new way they seem to be doing the show this season.
The Toddler 2.0 Upgrade. Remember?
Side note #2: Speaking of. How about Beyoncé on the VMAs this week?
You see dat?
Here’s actual unseen backstage footage of Britney Spears when she realized that she was gonna have to lip sync for her life after Queen Bey’s performance.
But anyway.
From what I can tell from previews and what we’ve seen so far, it looks like we’ll be following the same 3 kids all the way from their first televised glitz pageant straight through to their Harvard Graduations, because as we head into the third installment next week, that same Mom with a hole in her tooth is back again.
This one.
You remember Selyse. She was the tiny one in the Snuggie getting carried around looking like she was pledging a sorority during Rush Week.
College Tip #1: Red Bull Gives You Wings and helps you silently judge girls who only made it this far because their Dad is on the Board of Directors.
When we last met Selyse, she was late for the Beauty Portion because of who knows what and was not allowed to compete in that category.
And Mom was not having it.
Luckily, Tonya has a heart of gold…and an eye patch of Swarovski crystals, FYI…
Tonya kept going on and on about how Selyse shouldn’t be penalized just because her Mama can’t get it together and since she paid to be in the pageant, she should be in the pageant. Because she paid. To be in the pageant.
Side note: Since Selyse is only 3 years old, I’m gonna assume you can pay for these things in Cheerios, because otherwise nothing Tonya said made any sense. Which is probably why I love her so much. Ahoy, matey.
So after a quick shot to take the edge off…
Really. It was that fast. Thank you, Red Bull.
But then she came back again. And then left again.
Too bad she didn’t move that fast getting downstairs in the first place.
And you know my Boo Cambrie had a little sumthin to say about that one, mmmkay?
We also met Judge Barbie, because of course her name was Barbie.
And even some Red Bull cans with Barbie legs.
The Circle of Life.
As all that hilarity was ensuing, Toddler #2 was upstairs just tryna get her face did.
Kallyn was a little behind schedule in the makeup chair, thanks in part to Kim’s unorganizational skills and now Mom Megan and Coach Jaimie were starting to stress bag a bit.
You remember Megan and Jaimie from Episode #1.
Megan is the Mom who wore that giant bow tie and Jaimie is the coach who always goes head-to-head with Cambrie and gets the split screen treatment every week to make certain we know they hate each other.
Look at all the Red Bull.
Disclaimer: I don’t think they really hate each other. Jaimie and Cambrie, I mean.
I think it’s just the competitive world of Kiddie Pageantry and the fact that TLC lets Cambrie change outfits a minimum of four times between each commercial while Jaimie has to just sit in that ’50s Diner bathroom and pretend she’s Adele.
Lilly was next on stage, totally rocking her Kardashian Kontouring. A+
She was on point even though one judge thought her fabric was cheap.
And then her Mom Amber cried again. Because that’s kind of her thing.
Well, that. And making Popeye Faces.
With the new 2.0 Upgrade, the pageant portion of the show is not as seamless as it used to be, so if we get a little choppy…it’s not my fault. Kids are on stage, then off stage, then in the lobby and then the hotel rooms and then the hotel’s restaurant where there’s kids climbing the infrastructure of the building like Ninjas and then we’re back on stage again.
Check out Backwards Hat Guy, looking like he’s never seen a sequined jungle princess in full makeup practicing military maneuvers at an IHOP before.
I swear that’s Michael Phelps.
Kallyn froze in her Beauty portion, which was not good. And then we finally got a closeup on tiny Jaquelynne, who we only kinda sorta met last week via Skype.
She is so cute I can’t stand it.
Doesn’t she look like she’s about to perform an aria from La Bohème?
Jungle Wear.
And one Mermaid, for some reason.
Selyse was on time for this one, but Mom didn’t have any music for her routine which made Tonya do this again…
NewsFlash: “Can’t you just throw on some Jungle Boogie and let her shake it for a prize?” hasn’t worked since they shut down Studio 54, honey. Trust me.
No music? Really?
Whathoo think Todd‘s thinking right now?
Probably the same thing this chick’s thinking.
Luckily, as we all know by now, Tonya never leaves the house without at least one 8 Track in her Louis Bag. So crisis averted. TB saved the day.
Meanwhile, Lilly, all decked out in her Wall-Crawling Safari Queen outfit, took off down the hotel hallway in the wrong direction thinking that she was headed to the stage.
Been there. Done that.
Given that my own personal motto has always been that anything longer than 3 feet is either a runway or a stage, I gave her a pass because Girlfriend werked it right into that dead end fire door like a D.I.V.A.
Plus, her music was going to be 4 different cuts all remixed into who knows what.
I know, right?
Hey, Mr. DJ…put the wrong record on. I wanna dance with my baby.
Because that’s totally what happened.
Mom handed over the wrong CD and they ended up playing the 12″ extended mix version of some Wiggles jungle thingamajig that gave the judges enough time to hit the restrooms and check their Twitter feeds to make sure everyone was home watching them on TV.
And then of course Amber cried again.
Especially in the movie ET when the plant starts dying in the flower pot and the part at the end when this happens…
Kallyn was a Safari Girl, which I guess is somehow different than a Safari Queen, and froze on stage when she forgot her moves. Jaimie called her a Hot Mess and even Hashtagged it, so you know she meant business.
And then tiny Jaquelynne hit the stage in her Pink Panther routine and proceeded to rip her own tail off and do party tricks. Really.
This is her Mom, BTW.
Look at how excited Todd and his Bro Squad got.
Because it’s hard.
Like math.
The only thing I really know is that a Toddler contest is the one contest in the Universe where you don’t want to win anything, because then you can keep moving on up not winning things until you finally win something and then get to go home.
Side note: Are we just not going to talk about Cambrie’s makeup person?
And doesn’t Cambrie look like that country western lady who always sings in front of a barn? I forget her name.
But I know that Cambrie is #Goals.
Selyse won some early stuff, which didn’t make her Mom very happy at all.
Because you know. Rules.
Lilly won Personality Supreme, which her Mom thought was crap.
Because the last thing you want is your child to have a personality.
And then…well, you know.
Jaqueline won Beauty Photo Supreme, which her Mom also thought was crap.
Because the last thing you also want is a good looking kid. Am I right?
Kallyn got Face of 2016, which is somehow not the same thing as Jaquelynne’s Beauty Photo Supreme even though they both seemed to require a face to participate. Whatever.
And then all the Moms got Most Mama Drama Certificates in 14K gold frames. They just didn’t show it on TV. But it happened. I swear.
Bottom line, the goal of this whole thing was to win a car.
Not as lame as a jungle one.
But not as cool as this one.
More like a Barbie one.
But not like this one, either.
You get the idea.
But it doesn’t really even matter, because some girl that wasn’t even featured on the show swooped in out of nowhere and snatched that car out from under all the other little girls we had just gotten so emotionally invested in…but she deserved it. She was cute.
And she sat in it like she was The Grand Marshall for the Toys ‘R Us Parade.
Bonus: She was one of Cambrie’s girls, which really stacked the deck in her favor.
So you do the math.
When it was all over, Kim was pretty much at her wit’s end with Adele.
She just wasn’t feeling the love or support from her coach, so she proceeded to stalk Cambrie in the back hallway to pick her brains about switching teams, which is one of the 3 major NO NOs in the pageant biz, right after believing anything you read in this blog and not rinsing out your flipper as soon as you get home.
I hope Cambrie was calling the front desk to get some security up to Room 163, because that door’s not even shut. What if Cher is in there stealing all of Cambrie’s tie dye Bob Mackie stuff? That s*** ain’t cheap.
Bottom line, Cambrie agreed to a consultation TBD and then scooted out of their before she got caught sleeping with the enemy. #Goals.
And then it was really over.
Except for a little snippet of next week when the whole Sassy Supreme Team does some kind of Mom-tervention with Kim where they’re smacking her around for going behind their backs with Cambrie’s Court.
It looked crazy. Like this.
Or even crazier, maybe. Like this.
It’s a jungle out there.
Told ya so.
RAWR.
