Up in the sky! The Pageant Signal! Super Elvis is ready!
Oh honey, you ’bout to get two blasts of Bella in yo’ face.
You go like this, and then you plug it with pixie stix.
I don’t know what this s*** is, but keep it coming.
America.
The time has come. The call has gone out to the strong and the sparkly.
Gather your glitter and your glue guns. Raise your flags high and your blood sugar levels even higher.
Toddlers & Tiaras has gone Red, White & Blue…
…and whatever color those spray tans are supposed to be.
It was America’s Ultimate Beauties this week as another batch of little GlitzGirls were unleashed on another unsuspecting hotel ballroom. As wide eyed Tonya the Director explained it, these little glossed up niblets were about to whip past the check-in desk like a Texas tornado.
Tonya pretty much set the tone for the whole extravaganza by immediately coming to the defense of all teenie weenie pageant kids everywhere and proclaimed that they are not abused, and that pageants themselves are just a gosh darn hoot. She explained the lifestyle differences between a pretty footed, cupcake dress wearing girl and an after school tumbling gymnast in simple layman’s terms so that those of you not privy to the Inner Circle can finally stop posting nasty comments online.
The girls doing gymnastics have to practice all day and don’t get to eat anything…ever. Like in gymnastic prison camps, I’m assuming. You can’t do the balance beam on a full stomach. Der.
But at least the pageant babies get pixie stix.
And there you have it. Straight from Tonya.
To emphasize her point, we then got a video montage of pixie stix chugging youngsters sucking down sugar like it was their day job. By the time the last little preemie clamped on to the straw like it was an exhaust pipe, I briefly wondered if I should take a precautionary shot of insulin just to be on the safe side.
Not that you are asking, but in my opinion the whole thing would have been better suited for an ABC After School Special to keep kids off drugs. Much the same way that Tonya’s slightly creepy finger kiss/kitty point and curl to the camera that finished off her scene would have been better suited for her own after hours Match.com profile.
But whatever.
First up was three year old Alexes, and Pageant Mom Candice. Mom proudly lets us know that her daughter loves to play, have fun and is always in a great mood.
If that’s the case, then someone needs to turn on the overhead light, because Mom must be tucking the wrong baby into bed every night. She certainly wasn’t describing the Alexes on my TV as she screamed and cried and terrorized everyone, and everything, within a two block radius. When Mom could get a word in edgewise we also found out how much Alexes loves pageants.
As a matter of fact, she loves them so much that Mom and Dad find it necessary to bribe her with everything from Build-A-Bear coupons to chicken nuggets just to get her to show up for living room rehearsals. They never did clarify if they have to toss the nuggets down the hall to get her into the room, so I’m going to assume I might be making that part up in my head.
Next up is two year old SamiJo and her Mom Tricia. They are returning TLC stars but you may not have recognized them, given the fact that SamiJo is now finally old enough to keep her eyes open, and Mom has new boobs.
Hey. She said it, I didn’t. Relax.
Mom had to have breast augmentation so she could put herself into some random beauty pageants while SamiJo was growing strong enough to hold her own head up.
Tricia explained how the last time we saw her one side of her bra cup was more full than the other and that she had to level the playing field, so to speak, and make sure they both faced directly at you during conversations. She gave a quick high beam/low beam demonstration and then both SamiJo and I unintentionally hit our heads on the kitchen counter.
Now that SamiJo has matured enough to be in the elusive 2-3 year old division, it’s time to step up her game. She has been working with a coach, a trainer…you name it. But go figure. She still walks like she’s crippled, as Mom inappropriately points out to her during a practice run. Twice.
During your child’s formative years, I’m not so sure that equating crippled people with losing is the right way to go, Mom. Maybe that’s just me, but you might want to Google the Americans With Disabilities Act when you’re not showing off your new breasts.
Just saying.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And finally we tear it up with sassy AnnaBella and Mom Nicole. Little Bella is all that and a bag of chips, at least according to Bella herself.
Let’s be honest here. If anyone you knew at work talked and sassed her way through the day like Miss Bella does, you would smack them upside the head in the back supply closet when no one was looking. But since Miss Thing is only seven years old, and anyone connected with the show already has Child Protective Services on speed dial, you can’t do that. But it’s also because sometimes it is cute, and besides…she goes away when you shut off your television set.
Makenzie Myers (…”Where’s my Ni-Ni?!?!”…) has the sassy brat thing down to an art form. Bella still needs a little practice if she wants that crown.
But she certainly doesn’t need much practice on her Elvis routine, because she can channel the King better than any 7 year old I know. When she is not picking clothes from her Drab Side/Fab Side split personality closet, Miss Bella is working her Elvis routine like she is ready to break child labor laws in Vegas. The only thing bigger than that opening act is her flipper, but she likes big teeth so it’s all good.
Not liking things so much on the other side of town though, is SamiJo’s camo-wearin’, deer huntin’, animal skinnin’ Dad, who makes it clear that he thinks pageants are a waste of money.
Surrounded by enough dead animal carcasses in his living room to get him on the PETA watch list, Dad and Mom try to figure out how much money they have spent on pageants and silicone this year. He wants fewer pageants but Tricia isn’t having it.
Again, in my head, she is taking all the money that they are saving by having Dad hunt down all their meals each day and using it for pageants and augmentations…but I could be making that part up as well.
But I’m not making up the next 27 Alexes meltdowns as she is bribed with more chicken and stuffed animals if she promises to sit still for a haircut. By the time that kid gets to kindergarten, she is either going to have more Build-A-Bears on her bed than the Mall store has in inventory, or her cholesterol is going to be above 220.
Not to be outdone, Tricia takes her new boobs and her daughter to the salon to get some glop applied that will make SamiJo’s hair shine on stage. It went about as well as you would expect when you try to process a 2 year old’s hair instead of letting her take a nap.
Dropping her lollipop on the hairy salon floor and popping it back into her mouth was a nice touch. After all that work, her furry tongue is probably going to distract the judges’ eyes from the reflective sheen on her head.
By the time we get to the pageant, Bella has somehow gotten even sassier and Alexes has gone through 4 more meltdowns. SamiJo doesn’t seem to even know where she is, and looks exactly how you would expect a child to look with a mouthful of pixie stix and hair. Her Godmother Whitnei arrives to help walk SamiJo around the stage, as well as keep Mom’s head and new boobs from bursting under the stress.
Random side note: Ever notice that anyone involved in the pageant world has a tweaked, mashed up or oddly spelled name that looks like it was specifically created for the back of a satin team jacket?
Just wanted to point that one out in case you missed it. Scroll back up if you don’t believe me.
Tonya was back to explain that the best part of the show was the American Wear portion, which was the America’s Ultimate Beauties version of Outfit of Choice. (Yes. I knew the difference. Yes. I’m horrified that I know this much about baby pageants. We will never speak of this again.)
American Wear is anything that pertains to America she tells us. Never would have got that one on my own, thank you Tonya. Then she explains further in case any of you are still not catching on…Military, Patriotic, Yankee Doodle, underpaid Walmart workers…the usual. God Bless America.
Since the hotel apparently didn’t allow people to bring in chicken nuggets from outside locations, Mom and Dad had to bribe Alexes with a stuffed puppy dog from a vendor table. If she didn’t completely F*** up her routine she could get the prize. It’s no Build-A-Bear, but sometimes you just cave under pressure, I guess. The pressure must also cause you to wear a plastic dinosaur hat on your head, because I can’t think of any other explanation why her Dad was doing that during the show. Dude. TV cameras.
With the puppy held just out of her reach, Alexes busted out her best Olivia Newton John ramalamadingdong routine, complete with black body suit and red stilettos. Unfortunately Mom had nailed a giant poster paper circle to one side of the snack shack prop that they carted on stage. It made no sense, because it was the kind of circle that you spin when you want to hypnotize someone into quitting smoking.
Unfortunately, it also appears to stop young children from participating in pageants, because Alexes came to a screeching halt on stage and just spun the thing around until her time was up.
Having that spinning circle thing off to the side of the stage must have somehow effected SamiJo as well, because she also had some issues on stage. Standing up issues.
Granted, she was working a brand new hoop dress that she had never worn before. And she is 2. That probably didn’t help, either.
I’ll say it. The first time she fell was a little funny. Maybe even the second time. But by the third time she took a face plant I started to think Whitnei was just pushing her down. And when she went down on #4, at least Whitnei finally yanked her up by one arm like she was hoisting another deer carcass into Dad’s truck. Practice makes perfect.
Then some kids won some stuff.
But that’s not why you watch. You know that.
God Bless TLC.
