Humor Magazine

Toddlers & Tiaras: It’s A Boob Tube Grand Supreme Sparkle In Your Face Kind Of Thing. Good Golly, Dolly.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras

My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Toddlers & Tiaras: It’s A Boob Tube Grand Supreme Sparkle In Your Face Kind Of Thing. Good Golly, Dolly.

And they’re like “It’s better than yours.”

There has always been a list of certain things which I could go my entire life without ever needing to see.  It’s a small list, but it’s a list.

They are not written down on any specific anti-bucket check off sheet or scribbled on post-its around my house…I just know what they are.

I don’t need to see any kind of gory real life surgery from one of those General Hospital above the table O.R. viewing booths.  I’m all set if I never see the inside of a dentist’s office again, even though I know I should have regular check ups.  (Don’t start with me on that one, people.)  And I’m also good to go if I never see another jury duty notice as long as I live.  (Why are they always on holidays weeks?  And how are they always exactly  3 years and ONE day to the date of my last one, so I can’t use the time limit clause to get out of it?  Well played, Justice System.)

And now I have one more addition.

I’m all set with fake boobs on a 4 year old.

Thanks to the Reality TV Gods and faulty TLC plumbing, we had another episode of Toddlers & Tiaras back up all over our living room floors.  Part of me couldn’t be happier, and ashamed, while part of me seems to have lost the vision in one eye due to the aforementioned boob job.  Glitz Pageants apparently call for pulling out all the big guns.  Even if you have to stuff them first.

This week brought us The Glamour Girls Winter Wonderland Pageant, which basically means you do the same pouty faces and finger kisses you always do, but now you risk getting a mouthful of mitten fuzz on your flipper.   And Moms love them some Winter Wonderland outfits, let me tell you.  Since all the money goes to the Mom’s Pageant habit throughout the year and there won’t be any Christmas presents come December, the only thing left to wrap, glitter and decorate are the little girls, like it or not.

We met Madison, who made up for her missing front teeth by nose picking and screaming at such a high, consistent pitch that only junk yard dawgs can hear her as she pummels her little brother into near unconsciousness.  Her mom blankly stares out at us explaining that she is a stay at home mom, much the way someone stares at you after two injections of novocaine and tries to make you believe it doesn’t hurt.  Best line of the night was probably when she mentions that her husband works seven days a week.

Translation: Get Me Outta This House.

Next, bringing a little bit of pre-teen Fierceness to the hizzle was Queen.  Dat’s rite.

She and Momma Rosa were…wait for it…pretty normal, level headed and professional for this show, all things considered.  I know, right?  Tell me somebody on the T&T audition panel didn’t lose their job for this one.  Even the judges were kind of stammering around when they were talking about how polished Queen was and how her outfits were top notch and she was workin’ it on stage.  She didn’t even cry when she got her eyebrows waxed, for crying out loud, and could rock a Snookie Poof as well as any hot mess from Jersey.  I almost changed the channel.

Luckily I couldn’t find the remote, and TLC redeemed themselves before I did anything hasty, by handing us Maddy.

Her intro was enough to keep me on the couch for the hour.  She is 4 years old.  And a sassy 4 years old, by the way.  Maddy was dressed up in some Tim Burton version of a Jackie O meets Pebbles Flintstone kind of ensemble, leopard pill box hat and all.  As soon as her mom casually mentions that Why,Yes she used to be in pageants as well when she was younger, my eyes teared up and the world became a better place to watch TV again, because the whole thing suddenly smelled like Mom reliving her youth.

I had to hit the back arrow on my DVR about three times before I realized that they were not being interviewed in the Pageants ‘R’ Us trophy manufacturing plant.

Holy trophy overload, Batman.

That place was wall to wall trophies and crowns.  And then a couch. The same couch that seems to be in every episode.  And then more trophies and some more crowns.

The men of the family either really suck at sports, or their trophies are in a box in the basement next to the water heater, because this place was 100% Princess.  Paneling.  And Princess.  Like any good southern home.

To make sure that Maddy questioned her self esteem before she even entered pre-school, Mom bullied her into answering who had more trophies…Mom or Daughter.  That will make for some quality couch time at the child psychologist in a few years.  Thanks, Mom.

The pageant had the usual Beauty, Winter wear, Outfit of Choice thing going on that they all do.  Disoriented kids not only had the opportunity to stare out at the judges like a deer in headlights, but this time they got to have actual appliquéd deers on their heads while they froze up.  The prep work that goes into these outfits is always more fun than the actual presentation.

Madison needed to get her flipper made, because jack-o-lantern teeth do not go with a Christmas holiday themed event.  Der.  Pick a holiday, girlie.  So Mom brought her to the dentist, where he crammed her mouth full of dental impression Silly Putty and pretty much watched her eyes roll back in her head while yelling that she needed to breath through her nose.  Der, again, since every other opening was clogged with what looked like the stuff inside Stretch Armstrong.

After swallowing some of the toxic goo, she left to go home and wait for a box of teeth to show up with the FedEx man.

Queen was rocking her box o’ popcorn outfit, a strange combination of a Sonic waitress and those red & white striped movie popcorn boxes.  When she asked her mom if she could glue fake popcorn to the little hat, Mom replied “That would be tacky.”  I guess there is a fine line between a kernel or two on your noggin vs. the jumbo tub of popcorn that was hot glued all over her chest and overflowing up out of the top of her little girl bustier.  You’d think after all this time watching TLC I would have a better grasp of when they cross that line.

The highlight of the night, and more than one dirty internet site after the West Coast airing I’ll bet, was Maddy and her Dolly Parton outfit.  And a hand me down outfit at that.  You guessed it…Mom wore it back in the day, which led me to believe that Mom was totally going to pretend it was her younger self back up on stage when Maddy wobbled up the stairs.  In keeping with the Orville Redenbacher boobs that Queen was rocking, Maddy was not going to be outdone.

Like any normal 4 year old you would encounter on the playground, Mom padded Maddy’s butt and bra before unleashing her on the stage.  Boobs on a 4 year old.  Big ones.

Just repeat that a few times.  In your quiet voice.  Maddy, who proved earlier in the show that she has zero balance and focus, is now expected to walk across the stage with her outfit full of tube socks or bean bags or whatever you stuff a 4 year old’s bra with…seriously?

Let’s just say I fell on the floor faster than she did during every scene, and leave it at that.

Good Golly, Dolly.

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