If I Were A Rich Girl I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be sitting in a hot Ramada on a Saturday afternoon. Let’s be real here.
Oh, yeah. Now THAT is what I’m talkin’ about, boyz. Some of these chicks are waaaay older than 5 years old. Jackpot!
Shut. Up. There’s BOYS here? And they have money in their pants? I think I just scored me a case of Tic Tacs.
I have no idea where I am right now, but I hear all the single ladies screaming so I must have pulled for a higher title.
My name is Ashley. I’m a beauty queen. Those other girls must be crazy if they think they’re gonna beat me Honey Live Thru Your Child.
I swear to Gawd. If I find one more of my crowns in her room I’m gonna change the front door lock.
That’s right! Money. Stapled to a paper plate. Bitches love that kinda s***.
And finally, it has come to pass.
As was foretold in the Book of Honey Boo Boo, the time is now upon us.
We all want to win moneeeeeeeeey. Lots of it. A ton would be nice, actually.
Money to save and squander and staple to the same flimsy Dixie plates they use for greasy pizza slices down at the State Fair. So much money that you can fan yourself with it like a Big Girl in church in the middle of July. Money. Money. Money.
Luckily, Toddlers & Tiaras knew just where to find some extra cash this week, courtesy of the If I Were A Rich Girl Pageant and Director Betty Burns.
Oh, Betty.
I like her, and would probably invite her to go clubbing with me and my hand-picked collection of crazy pageant directors when we all party bus it down to Manhattan, but I’m afraid that she smokes and would spend most of the night running outside for a quick butt instead of making sure that Annette Hill doesn’t fall off the speaker.
Now I don’t have any proof that Betty enjoys the tobacco other than her husky voice and that smoker laugh, but it sure sounded familiar. You know the laugh.
The kind of laugh that drives you crazy when someone is trying to tell you a joke because right when they’re getting to the good part they laugh that smoker laugh which inevitably turns into five minutes of coughing and knocking silverware off the table and then by the time you go get them a glass of water and a clean spoon they completely forget what they were talking about in the first place.
That kind of laugh.
But I don’t know if she smokes or not. I don’t even know when they filmed this episode, so she could have been at a Rolling Stones concert the night before, body surfing and mosh pitting her vocal cords to their max for all I know.
She was wearing a rocker chick necklace, now that you mention it.
Before Betty knocked any forks on the floor, she explained how the Rich Girl Pageant was going to go down this week.
You win money. And then you go home. The End.
I only wish all the other pageants had such simple rules. And then Betty laughed really loudly again and I swore a Bingo marker fall out of her purse.
The first tiny princess we met was 4 year old Kate and her Mom Jessica.
And Kate’s little doll Katie.
Both K1 and K2 were cuties. And both appeared to have the ability to spin their heads completely around without any long term damage to their spines. Like Devil Babies.
Kate was a delightful handful of HyperSpaz, with one of those Silly Putty faces that could morph into any position imaginable as she talked and talked and talked and clucked like a chicken and then talked and talked some more.
Her Stretch Armstrong cheeks were just made for Grandma squishing. So cute.
If Kate could stop talking long enough to actually win the Rich Girl Pageant, she was going to buy the world. And 100 boxes of Tic Tacs. And your hollowed out soul.
Muuuwaahahahahaha.
As Kate pressed her face against the camera lens and Katie opened her button eyes and began breathing on her own, we headed off to meet the second princess.
Who was actually a prince.
That’s right. Boy in the hizzle!
Shout Out to 5 year old Kaden and his Mom Melissa for bringing some testosterone to the table this week!
Kaden was both a player and a playa. Football and the Ladies, yo.
With his pre-school “Hey Girl” eyes and buzz cut ‘do, Kaden and his equally buzzed older sibling Zack looked like they both fell right off the Willie Wonka movie screen.
Or maybe the Alice in Wonderland movie screen. The one with those rolly polly twins.
Something with Tim Burton or Johnny Depp, for sure.
Or maybe Spanky and the Little Rascals. I don’t know. I couldn’t decide.
But they were a matched set for sure, right down to their fly moves and after school snack chub. Zack had already retired from pageantry after discovering his true calling as a coach, and was now showing his baby bro how to bring home a few crowns and phone numbers with just a wink and one of those snap/point things that DBags always do when they see a hot chick.
But it wasn’t DBaggy at all when Kaden did it. I think 9 years old is probably the cut off for that move before it gets you slapped at a Hooters.
Zack had patented his own line of logo tee shirts and “The Walk,” which he demonstrated as Kaden headed off to get his hair and nails did.
Waddle. Waddle. Freeze. Boom.
Kaden had almost no hair and little stubby fingernails, but somehow they were getting did before the competition. And he was in Heaven, because Kaden loved some quality metrosexual time under the dryer with the girls down at Sigmuh Hair Studio.
Can we just say that when he showed up at the salon dressed like W.C. Fields in a 1920′s golfing outfit I pretty much had a moment of my own?
Love this dude. But not in a creepy judge way. That comes later.
The last contestant for the week was 6 year old Cherish and her former Sparkle Baby turned Mom Ashley, who would have better luck detoxing cocaine from her system than getting rid of the pageant bug.
Back in the day, Ashley was scoring gigantic crowns right and left and clearly had never quite shaken off the whole competition thing. Mom was still in it to win it, right down to her refusal to stop wearing those big hair bows that the little girls wear on Dance Moms.
Lucky for her, this week’s pageant was going to have a Glamour Mom portion which was specifically created for anyone with a weakening death grip on their fleeting youth and a fancy dress from the second floor of Macy’s.
I just can’t. And I won’t.
When she wasn’t trying to beat out her own daughter on stage, Ashley also liked to make those realistic looking vinyl dolls you see on Dateline (…”show me where he touched you again”…) which the producers thankfully explained fairly quickly before half of America called 911 to report seeing a naked baby in this crazy woman’s oven.
Mom was better at painting the dolls and at pageants. That’s two already, for anyone who was counting. You may need both hands by the end.
Outside, Mom and Cherish then competed in a push up contest seemingly just to prove once and for all that kids suck at everything except getting stuck in small spaces.
Three for three. Thanks for playing.
While Ashley did a victory dance in Cherish’s sad puppy dog face, Kate was at home going completely mental bouncy ball over her new Rich Girl outfit that had just arrived.
It had feathers. Lots of feathers. All over the dress and headpiece. Which apparently kicked in some post-hypnotic suggestion from years ago that she cluck like a chicken whenever she sees feathers for the rest of her life.
This was gonna be a long day.
Having survived the humiliation of the push up contest, Cherish was next put through a quick review of Mom’s trophies vs. her little assortment of runner-up trophies, including one hairbrush prize that Ashley snatched from her tiny hands and put back in the MomCase. How’d that get over there? That’s mine, girlfriend.
Cherish’s Rich Girl outfit was going to be her interpretation of what Justin Bieber‘s wife would wear on the Red Carpet. If Mom ever finished sewing the damn thing, I mean.
Thankfully, Ashley’s glitterized full length Glamour Mom gown was ready to go in the garment bag, along with matching shoes and a Starbucks cup. Priorities.
I just can’t. And I won’t.
Mom did point out that Cherish’s dress “…is cute, too…” before making sure that all her MomTrophies were accounted for and arranged numerically by year.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Hair and makeup was pretty low key compared to past episodes. No real meltdowns or double shot espressos.
It was right around this point that I realized the episode was actually kinda sorta about the kids this week. For a change.
After weeks and weeks of Hood Rats and Mom Spats, it was almost refreshing to see a preschool girl putting on lip gloss in a hotel room…a statement which just came out of my mouth sounding waaaaay creepier than it sounded in my head.
The stage was set with a backdrop of those dollar bill shower curtains they sell at Spencer Gifts as Kaden hit the lights for the Beauty portion.
Looking like he was on his way to a job interview at the Cartoon Network, he confidently non-DBagged his way around the platform like a Boss and then headed off to change into his Sharp Dressed Man outfit.
Judge Johnny Ray Browning felt that Kaden did well, but needed to let his hair grow out if he really wanted to be a competitor. I guess any adult male who can rock a circa 1982 Liza Minelli haircut and soul patch should know what he’s talking about when it comes to the latest trends in competition coiffure, right?
Cherish’s homemade dress didn’t fit quite right, which meant that she wasn’t flawless going into the competition. Which Mom said you have to be to win in this biz.
When she came off the stage, Johnny pointed out that Cherish should have spent another couple of hundred dollars to really make that dress sparkle, and then he sang a medley from Liza with a Z.
Kate had big hair, but was still swallowed up by her dress. Bummer.
The Rich Girl Wear was when the party started.
Kaden’s Sharp Dressed Man suit was lined with money and he made it rain down on those bitches. Cherish pulled out her blinged out credit card on cue, but then couldn’t rip off her tear-away skirt fast enough and froze on stage.
Ashley politely pointed out that Cherish just lost the competition with that blunder and that they should probably go home now, except that Mom had to go up on stage and outdo her daughter one more time. Somebody in this family needed to be a winner.
I felt so bad for Cherish. She is so cute, and was so sad that she lost out to Mom.
Again.
You know she’s back home right now doing one armed pushups in the basement and is getting ready to throw a beat down on her Mom’s a** at the next competition.
You go, girl.
Kate’s Chicken Dance didn’t go as badly as Mom expected. She maintained her focus and didn’t cluck until she got off stage.
Please tell me you saw the Hip Hop Guy with his blinged out 2Pac necklace jammin’ in the audience with The Supremes during Kate’s routine.
What the what–? I love this show.
To finish things off, Ashley was late to the Glamour Mom walk of shame and just made it on stage before judging. I’m kind of obsessed with whoever that was that led all the Moms out on stage in her sash and Walking Co. sneakers. Call me.
Then some kids…and Moms…won some stuff.
Kaden and Kate did great. Kaden scored some loot and Kate scored some crazy like a loon loot. Really. It’s a special category just for her.
Poor Cherish got whooped by Mom…again…and got really sad. So sad I had to hug my television set and tell her it would be ok, and then slap it when Mom said that she got what she deserved.
Nice. You might want to Google the word ‘Supportive’ on that new iPad you just won.
Mom was torn between high-fiving everyone in the room, doing the Pee Wee Tequila Dance or just sitting down and consoling her daughter. It was a tough call because that crown felt so good on her head. Sooooooooo good.
Like I thought she was gonna ask to bum a smoke off Betty it was so good.
And then it was over.
Betty wanted everybody out. Now.
No mo’ money. Go home.
The End.
