Miss WindTunnel Bagless Canister Supreme 2011
Miss Grand Supreme Most Natural Photo 2011
Is it too late to start one more New Year’s Resolution? Seriously. When is the absolute last Ultimate Supreme cut off date to try and get a new one going? If I can, I need to start one tonight. Immediately.
My newest New Year’s Resolution is going to be to stop saying “Well, NOW I’ve seen it all.” Because every time I say it, complete with a drama filled forehead slap or a quick spit of my drink across the table, TLC comes along and makes me eat those words.
Toddlers & Tiaras. You win.
I will never use that phrase again, because you keep upping your glitter game and I can’t keep up anymore. Unless an Alien Mothership actually lands in a trailer park, which you know is somehow always the location of choice for twisters, alligators in the sewers and alien invasions, I will never think that I have truly seen it all because I know TLC will come back the following week and show me how it’s really done.
T&T unleashed another trifecta of crazy around the race track this week and all bets were off as to what little mini sparkle pony was taking in the most sugar, and taking home the most crowns. It was the Glamorous Beauties Pageant, which I’m going to assume must be different from the Ugly Little Girls Who Will Never Get Married Pageant that must have been running concurrently in the other ballroom? I mean…aren’t they all supposed to be glamour pageants? What made this one Glamorous? ”Honey, next week you are competing in the But She Has A Great Personality Pageant. Sparkle.”
Baylen was your typical tomboy who didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with pageants, even though Mom said she looooves being in them. When Baylen wasn’t putting on her boxing gloves and threatening to lay Mom out on the driveway with a black eye, she was alternating between running in circles and collapsing on the floor in a big heap. Both of those skills paid off well during the actual pageant as she aptly demonstrated both of them to perfection. We got to witness Baylen in all her wild haired tomboyish-ness, as she looked for her soccer trophy and posed for huntin’ pictures next to a bear or deer trussed up on the garage hook. Side note….now you know they hang the meat upside down so they can slit the throat and let it bleed out before they gut it, right? I’m thinking she wasn’t wearing her white sassy pose shoes in that photo spread.
Baylen’s Mom was kinda, sorta Barbie-ish, which was a nice change up from the usual Pageant Moms, but she could still get her pageant nutty on.
So apparently Baylen could punch out her Mother and also easily put a bullet in a deer’s skull, but she couldn’t get spray tanned without a meltdown. She had a few of her patented run around, collapse in a heap moments during the process but that didn’t stop the air compressor lady. Now you can check my resume. I don’t work for Child Services, but I’m thinking that if a tiny little girl has her mouth wide open and is screaming literally non-stop bloody murder, you probably don’t want to be aiming the spray tan nozzle down her throat. By the time they got the process completed, her tongue had to be the darkest thing on her body.
Little Allyson only wishes she could have had that much ingested tanning solution spread through her system.
Her goal in life was to be Beyonce. Beyonce is a Diva. Beyonce is Fierce. And Newsflash: Beyonce is not a little white girl.
Like the grillin’ deer meat from Baylen’s huntin’ trip…the darker the better, please. Ally wanted to be Beyonce brown, and made it clear to all around her any chance she got. She only played with Brown fashion dolls, had Brown cardboard cut out dolls and the whole thing just got a little…odd…after awhile. They even had to hose her down for a second coat of Brown the weekend of the pageant, because she wasn’t Beyonce enough.
One of the many things that you can count on Toddlers & Tiaras to bring to the table, is that the show always lends itself really well to Frat House drinking games. Almost like it was part of the initial presentation to the networks. I can guarantee you that more than a few freshmen across America blacked out from taking shots every time Allyson’s Mom said “Brown,” in her really wide crazy eyed kind of Stepford Wife way. I had to rewind a second, because at first I thought she might be that woman who sells all the potpourri and heartfelt holiday decor on QVC. She was soooo not Beyonce Brown.
But out of the three Preemie Glamazons this week, no one could get a mouthful of brown better than Emerald.
Apparently, gone are the days of simply rewarding your child for a job well done with a pat on the back. No more hugs. No more extra quarter in your allowance. Forget about it.
Now when you do good on your inappropriate hip popping attitude pageant practice strut, you get to Bowl For Chocolate!
It sounds like a great night out with the girls, but hold up. For those of you who might have missed the Bowling For Chocolate Championships on ESPN last month, let me refresh you on the rules.
You lay some 3M blue painters tape down the hardwood floor in a racing stripe. Then you make your little girl lay her head on the ground, lips on the floor, mouth open wide…and throw Hershey’s Chocolate Chips down Lane #3 into her eye, or nose, or forehead…or maybe even occasionally actually into her mouth. I know, right? Jealous much?
You can’t make this stuff up.
When Mom shook that bag of Hershey’s, little Emerald came running like a cat when it hears the electric can opener. Nothing else about Emerald’s story even compares, or matters, so I won’t even bother with the whole being Quakers and how they don’t want to win, but they really do thing…that’s not important.
They freakin’ bowled chocolate chips into their kid’s face.
Most of them actually ricocheted off under the couch. Emerald did proudly state that if Mom missed, she would just suck them up like a vacuum.
Flash forward ten years: Phone call. Hooters. Line Two.
Watch for this family on Hoarders in a year or so, where they lift up the furniture and find more cocoa than a Willie Wonka’s Warehouse, and a bunch of fossilized pageant crowns stuck in the goo.
Until next week, I have totally seen it all.
**UPDATE: Gotta add a line or two onto this badboy. You guys crashed the post last night, and it wouldn’t be right to repost without pointing out that I’ve actually heard back from a couple of the Moms (…politely…not with a rock through my window…) and props to them. I thought that I was the Poster Child for being able to laugh at myself, but they showed me through their responses that they can absolutely do the same and come out on top of the glitter pile. Life is way too short to not laugh out loud, and I’m glad they joined me in the chuckles and totally got where this whole hot mess of a blog comes from. Their notes were probably actually funnier than anything that I wrote up above, but luckily they want to stick with pageants and not take over my job in the Blogosphere. My own parents always told me that as long as you love your kids unconditionally and laugh until milk comes out your nose…it’s all good. They do. And they do. Thanks, Mom(s)!
