Toddlers & Tiaras: Beach Beach Baby Part Two. You Better Pack Your Shades And Smelling Salts For This Trip, Kids.

If they gave away this much shizz when I was working the circuit, I woulda scored big. Dang.

While that baby’s screwing with her bubbles, hit me with track #2 and I’ll sing y’all a little sumthin.

Pardon me, Miss, but am I the only one who recognizes that bouncer dude from The Matrix?

Remember the plan, old lady. You fake a major stroke and I’ll snatch up as many crowns as I can.

Sweetie, Imma need you to pitch down that Whitney a few notes. Mama’s not feeling it, mmmkay?

Swear to Gawd if I open this door and she’s laying on the damn floor again, I’m gonna lose it…

‘Merica.

I swear.

You catch those elections?

Lawd ha’mercy.

Now I know how Sharilynne felt.

And speaking of.

Toddlers & Tiaras rode right in on the coattails of America’s Choice 2016 this week, making us all hit our head on the ground at least two more times with the conclusion of Universal Royalty‘s cliffhanger Beach Ball Beauty and Swim Suit Cutie Pageant.

Yup.  You heard me, America.  It’s true.

We chose a President AND a new Ultimate Grand Supreme all in the same week.

And we survived.

And we’re all still friends, because I said so.

Sparkle and Unite, baby.

Sparkle and Unite.

Once we get Sharilynne up off the floor, that is.

When we last saw our little heroes, that nice Production Lady with the walkie talkie had just stumbled upon the lifeless body of Mehalye‘s Mom laying behind her hotel room door.

Side note:  She wasn’t dead.  So that was good.

Side note 2:  How cool would it be if the government passed an ordinance requiring that everyone tape head shots to their front door like they do at this Ramada?  Think how festive every neighborhood across the country would look.  Unless you had some really ugly neighbors, I mean.

False alarm on the heart attack.  Turns out that Sharilynne had just slipped on a wet spot in the bathroom and not actually had a full stroke.  So that was also good.

Nice Guy Award:  Sound Guy A got points for showing concern for Sharilynne’s wellbeing before proceeding with the next shot.  I’m assuming the ‘A‘ on his Beats by Dre was a nametag, unless he labels his ears ‘A‘ and ‘B‘ so he doesn’t put his earmuffs on backwards.

Or not.  I dunno.  Take what little I know about toddler pageants and divide it by a billion and that’s how much less I even know about television production.

I also have no idea why the bathroom floor was so wet when the housekeeping cart was right outside the room, fully stocked with sponges and towels and a guy just standing there who could have ShamWow‘d the moisture away with just the flick of a wrist.

He got arrested once, you know.

The ShamWow Guy.  Not the one standing there doing nothing.

But wait.  What?

What’s going on back there?

Closer, please.

I knew it!

Those Tiara Twins are EVERYWHERE.

I love them!  And their parents.

I wonder if Ron is still holding that goat.

Time Stamp:  We’re still on the first scene.

Clearly, Sharilynne was having some anxiety over her daughter’s hairstyle.

This little number.

You remember that from last week, right?

And as much as I love me some Top Hat Boyz…

…I’d be remiss if I did not correct them on their Krispy Kreme and point out that it’s actually Greek Easter Bread, which was verified by a post on her hairdresser’s Facebook page after the episode aired.

Look.  He’s like 12.

Don’t tell me you missed the part when Mehalye’s coach Nikki Oh Nikki You’re So Fine Nicole couldn’t even touch her hair because it was still hot from the oven?

Almost as hot as Sharilynne when she started to sweat again, I might add.

Poor thing was having a rough day.

Maybe if she hadn’t been lugging that monster Little Mermaid prop all around the lobby, her radiator cap wouldn’t have popped off.  Just saying.

Eventually, Sharilynne and Mehalye made it up on stage with their tri-fold backdrop, beach stool, oversized sunglasses, treasure chest, bubble machine and some dude wearing Secret Service #NisaShades who could bench 625.

Please tell me you saw that guy.  All 370 lbs of him.

How rough does it get at these pageants?

I didn’t choose the Tiara Life.  The Tiara Life chose me, I guess.

And he was carrying a teeny tiny little plastic bubble machine that (…Spoiler Alert!…) didn’t even work like the directions said it would, like he was setting up a freakin’ JLo encore.  I swear.

Until my girl Miss Annette Hill shut the whole thang down, that is.

AwHellNaw.

You’re not squirting bubbles all over my stage before the other girls do their #PrettyFeet.  It ain’t happening.  No, ma’am.  So you just pick up all your little toys and wait till the very end.

And tell your little friend in the sunglasses that he is FINE.

MmmmmmMmmmm.  Mama likes.

I heart Annette so much that it gives me migraines.

After Mehalye & Co. left the stage with their Uhaul, Abby was up next.  She is soooo cute.

Side note:  Those are Cambrie‘s two Ultimate Supremes poking out right there in case you were wondering.  Check out Abby trying so hard not to look.

Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Did I mention that yet this week?

Naturally, the wrong music began playing for Abby, but she kept right on keeping on like a PRO and got the job done.  I swear, between Dance Moms and Toddlers & Tiaras…c’mon, people.  Doesn’t anyone know how to make a spreadsheet in Outlook?

Abby killed it.  Killed.  It.  Her Mom Christie was so proud that she even threw another fistful of $100 bills out the window of their private jet.  Because she can.

Christie cracks me up.  I love her, but I don’t understand why she hasn’t reached out to me and begun the adoption process yet.  City living ain’t cheap here, Mom.  Chop Chop.

And then Mehalye was back up on stage again with her tri-fold backdrop, beach stool, oversized sunglasses, treasure chest, bubble machine and dude wearing Secret Service #NisaShades who could bench 625.  Really.  For a second time.

That dude was everywhere.

There he is blocking another guy’s view of the whole show.

And there he is taking a call outside.  It’s none of your business.
Spoiler Alert:  He even changed his clothes and showed up during Crowning wearing an eye patch.

He wishes.

After some additional last minute drama when Mom forgot to turn on Mehalye’s Little Mermaid light and the bubble machine refused to work, the show finally got started.

Sharilynne tried to get the audience worked up into a frenzy by doing an impromptu Wave, but the only person who even clapped along with the music was Halle Berry.
Side note:  This woman in the orange literally almost went into labor waiting for Mehalye to get her bubble machine s*** together.  I’m not even pregnant, but the way that guy two seats down is looking at her is making me extremely uncomfortable right now.
FYI:  Patootie Kaydence also performed, but I skipped over that part so I could show you these two pictures instead.  She’s so cute I just can’t right now.
Look at her.  You just know her lipstick tastes like jelly beans.  So.  Cute.

Finally, it was time for Crowning!

And let’s be real.  Miss Annette Hill don’t skimp on the goods.  Check it out, yo.

Sashes.  Tiaras.  And freakin’ plastic beach pails full of teddy bears.  No…YOU shut up.

Ummm.  And excuse me?  A MR Universal Royalty sash?

Why isn’t one of those in the mail already, woman?  You know I like to look pretty at the gym.

Jaimie/Adele wasn’t really in the mood this week as she sat next to KayKay’s Mom Autumn.

Not at all.  And she was clearly gonna lose it if Kaydence got one of those titles they give at the beginning that mean you’re out for the rest of the afternoon.

#PageantMath.

She even did Wendy Williams hands to prove her point.

#NotVeryWellTodayThanks.

Check out how Autumn and that lady behind her both have the same face.

The Short Version:  Kaydence got a Divisional Crown and lots of toys and had fun.
Mehalye got a Divisional Crown and kinda sorta had fun even though her Mother was just about to melt down on national television.  Give it a minute.
Time’s up.

Sharilynne fell apart, racing back upstairs to their hotel room to throw herself on the bed and apologize to Jesus for Mehalye’s hair and to demonstrate how your Dreams are sometimes just out of your reach by trying (…and failing…) to snatch the room service menu reminder off the console.

Trust me.  There was a lot going on in that scene.

You should probably just watch it when you have time.

And then Princess Abby won Ultimate Grand Supreme and the crowd went wild!

Mom lost her noodle.
Cambrie hugged this kid but I don’t want to say anything in case he’s her brother.

Eye’s up, Sparky.

Abby was psyched!

Jaimie and Nikki?  Not so much.

But no time for tears.  It was time for pictures!

Except that nobody told Mehalye, who was already back upstairs getting ready to put on her un-BeDazzled bathing suit and hit the pool.  Luckily, Nikki got the call in just the Nikki of time (…clever, right?…) and sent her back downstairs, where photographic chaos was already ensuing.

It was panic in the streets.  Kids were either running in sugar-induced circles or falling asleep on the stage while Miss Annette kept screaming “Look at Denzel and Oprah! Look at Denzel and Oprah!” like she was on the TMZ Tour Bus.

Check out Abby giving #SideEye to that Taylor Swift chick who couldn’t keep her hat on her head.

And is that baby levitating in thin air or what?

And then it was over.

Except for Sharilynne’s pseudoseizure, I mean.

Which she had…30 mins after crowning.

def:  Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures (PNES) or pseudoseizures are paroxysmal episodes that resemble and are often misdiagnosed as epileptic seizures; however, PNES are psychological (i.e., emotional, stress-related) in origin.

In other words…

Look at those two poor EMTs who had no clue what they were walking into.
Q.  Is there a clause in the TLC contract somewhere that specifically states all men must wear sunglasses on their heads if they are to be a part of this show?  Because…you know.

Christie, Hillary and Deb demonstrated Sharilynne’s scary symptoms.

But thankfully, the cat scan came back negative and Mehalye’s Mom is back to…normal.And then it was really over.

Psych.

Except for when next week’s episode started a week early.  Because, you know…Toddler 2.0.

And it was all about The Face.

The Face.

The International Fresh Faces Pageant, to be exact.  The Big Kahuna.

The last competition of the season.  Like Dance Moms Regionals.  Or the Super Bowl.

No Ugly Kids Allowed.

They didn’t say that, exactly.  But it was implied.  And it’s probably on the flyers.

Look at her dog.

I have no idea who this lady is.But I know Kim and Selyse are back to seek revenge on the Sassy Supremes.

And Kim is once again with child, as they say.

But there are so many unanswered questions that will have to wait until next week.

Like why Cambrie held a team meeting in a LensCrafters store.

And where Jaimie has been hiding that drop dead cute kid Lola all this time?

And why anyone thought it was okay to lock tiny Selyse in the same empty Time Out Room where they used to stick Ryan Lochte every time he acted up on Dancing With The Stars.

And why neither Ryan Lochte nor a 3 year old toddler could figure out the back door was wide open?
And then it was really over.  F’realz.

Until next week, that is.

When all our questions will be answered.

Or not.

Either way, I’m out.

Gimme Five.

And gimme Face.