Diaries Magazine

To Whom It May Con-Spam

By Dmroughton
To Whom It May Con-SpamFirst of all, I would like to thank each of you for your well thought out  emails. The fact that you harvested my email off my website combined with the attention you showed me as an individual human being touched my heart so much that I felt I should respond in kind. Forgive me if I send out this one post to cover all 5 million of you, but you set the ground rules here - not me.
Ok, so tempting offers that I will respectively decline include:
  • Viagra, Cialis, Natural Herb Remedies to Increase Stamina, or Penile Pump Enhancers of any kind.  I realize your search algortihms may have combined the What I Want in a Woman type posts with the Hey I Got Drunk at the Bar type posts to conclude I would be interested in your product. But hey, I just turned 40, not 70, so give a guy a break how about it?
  • Oksana, Yelena, Anya, and all your girlfriends. Although you have really pretty sounding names, the mail order bride post was a joke. (Did you happen to see the sub-title of this blog? Duh!) Still, I almost caved in because you have such a magical way with words: I Oxana. I attractive womens. I look for to find person for strong family mindedness. And the part that had me reaching for my wallet: I sure 100 that appealing you my sexy bodies. More than one? Really? Wait a minute. Does that mean you want more than one green card from me?
  • Free iPads, NetBooks, Androids, or anything else free. Thanks for entering my name in your drawing because I know for a fact I never filled out any interest forms. Good to know you are picking up my slack.
  • Asian, Middle Eastern, and African business proposals. Thanks for looking out for me, but I do not currently have $22,500,000.00 in US currency to transact with you, and I am not your brother. Plus, I'm no Wolfe Blitzer, but I'm pretty sure some of the areas you suggest I invest in may be no longer standing.
  • Bosley Hair Restoration. Ok, you know what. Here is finally one that my thinning, shiny in places, head could actually use. But I could do so much more for my kid with that $5,000 than give it to you. If I am ever unable to get a date for months on end because each and every prospective woman said, "Sorry, but you don't have a lion's mane flowing down your back," then I would say screw you to each of them anyway, so you would still not get my $5,000.
  • Found Money. Really? There are people out there who just freely email you their bank account numbers for you to deposit the money you found for them? Tell you what, how about you send me your bank account numbers, and I will hook you right up with all this money I found laying around with your name on it. Sincerely, your brother.
  • Porn solicitations. I'm sure your wife, sister, coed daughter, Chinese midget, ebony, transexual, or dog (WTF?!?!?), etc are all very hot, but I haven't found a condom big enough for my computer, so please keep your nasty little viruses all to yourself. Thanks.

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