Family Magazine

The Voice (of Hellcat)

By Chase

Kick Ass Wife and I are big fans of The Voice.

We happened upon the show early last season and found that we really enjoyed the format, the talent, and the four celebrity coaches. Now we’re unabashedly hooked. Once we’ve got the kids to bed at night — an excruciating process that occasionally takes under three hours — KAW and I settle in to get our DVRd fix of Adam, Cee Lo, Christina, and Blake.

So of course we were excited when our very own Hellcat auditioned for the show.

Not surprisingly, all four coaches pushed their buttons and spun their chairs, behavior that would uniquely qualify them to be 3-year-olds.

Then it was game on.

CEE LO: What’s your name, girl, and how old are you?

HELLCAT: The Hellcat. I’m five.

ADAM: First off, I love you. Your voice is so unique. When you hit the “phone home” chorus, I knew I had to have you on my team. It was a little pitchy at the beginning, but I’m betting that was nervousness. Or possibly shortness of breath from that spider-monkey-like gymnastics routine you were attempting on the countertop. Either way, I’m confident you can compensate for that lack of pitch through sheer volume and ear-numbing endurance. Again, I love you. Choose me.

CHRISTINA: Heeyyy, Hellcat. You put some really nice runs together in that medley, like when you ran over and snatched your mom’s phone off the counter. Team Xtina would be a great fit because you and I have so much in common! You’re a diva, I’m a diva. You get whatever you want, I get whatever I want. You’re growing up with three boys, I work with three men who act like boys. We’re a perfect match! Oh, and I’ll let you paint your own fingernails and won’t care how messy it is. We have assistants who clean up that type of stuff.

BLAKE: Well, you ain’t a country artist, but I was sure awe-shucksed by your talent. You were composed beyond your years, especially when your brother was pitchin’ that major-league hissy fit in the background because he had to brush his teeth. Now I’m going to start doing the inchworm-pointy-finger thing above my head while I look down at Adam and make funny faces.

CEE LO: When you transitioned into the Queen classic towards the end and turned on that gravelly, possessed-little-girl-from-Poltergeist voice, it was very clear to me that you are a unique artist. I know your mom repeatedly reminds you “singing isn’t yelling,” so I want to help you harness that raw power and refine it and nurture it. Girl, you have the type of voice that needs to be heard. And did you know that I have a cat and a cockatoo?

In the end, the four coaches abandoned their chairs and walked off the set because Hellcat couldn’t make up her mind which one to choose. It was as excruciating as waiting for her to pick out her clothes in the morning.

But not quite as excruciating as bedtime.

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