Family Magazine

The Universe Thinks I Have A Fat Ass

By Guerrillamom @mariaguido
So, the Universe thinks I have a fat ass. I'm not being self-deprecating here. I'm just good at reading the signs.
Last week I got an email from one of my editors that basically said, "hey - new mom free stuff, you want it?" I like free stuff. I said "sure." One of the things was this super fancy postpartum waist cincher that celebrities use to make themselves shrink after they birth a human. It's $100. Yes Please! I will totally take that because I would like to look like Jessica Alba and I don't spend $100 on anything, anymore. Except diapers.
The next day I got a tweet that says this:
The Universe Thinks I Have A Fat Ass
Um, okay. I'll take the anti-cellulite leggings. They have to be worn for like eight hours a day to work - but why not? I'm sure wearing thermal cellulite-reducing leggings in the Florida heat is a fantastic idea. I imagine myself sweating profusely in these things while simultaneously being cinched-tight by what is tantamount to a postpartum corset. Something about this still sounds reasonable to my hormone-addled, post-pregnant self. Yes, give me all the cellulite reducing, stomach flattening shit you got. I'll take all of it.
Well, the Pro-skins leggings were a bust. I responded - Sure. They responded, Well, we have to see if you have enough of an audience. I responded, Fuck you. In my head. Why the hell did you reach out to begin with? Now, not only do I feel riddled with cellulite - I also feel unimportant. Eat me.
The waist cincher actually arrives in the mail. I open it and I am immediately filled with excitement. It comes in an adorable little mini wardrobe bag. I kinda feel like I'm receiving an Oscar gown, until I remember that I'm totally not receiving an Oscar gown - I'm receiving a fancy girdle. Whatev. I still like the packaging.
The Universe Thinks I Have A Fat Ass
The Universe Thinks I Have A Fat Ass
Losing your baby weight is a Cinch! It's such a beautifully flowing font, I actually believe it. Yes, font. You are right. It is a Cinch.
I remove the Cinch from it's beautiful packaging; the fancy wrap and satin bows. I'm getting really excited. My stomach is actually starting to feel flatter already. I skim the directions and see that I will have to adjust the waist measurement. The idea of the Cinch, is that you start with a larger waist size, obviously. As your belly shrinks, you cinch the Cinch down to a smaller waist size, get it? Cute. This garment is meant to be worn immediately postpartum. I am a little late to the party, but exited nonetheless. 
I try to wrap the Cinch around my waist so I can figure out how much I need to adjust it. I quickly realize there is no way this thing is making it around my waist. What the hell is going on? I remove it and adjust it as far out as it will go, which is 34 inches. 34 inches. 34 FREAKING INCHES? This is meant to be a postpartum wrap that women can don immediately after childbirth and the largest waist size adjustment is 34 inches. I glance down and see the size range on this thing is 26 to 34 inches. I'm in the kitchen. I consider setting it on fire. 
I go to my computer sweating and almost crying. I want to send an email that says, Why in the mother of all things holy did you send me this thing? Now I am still fat, and also crying. And sweating. Is there a hidden camera behind this beautiful little satin bow? Am I being punked? Instead, I send one that says can you please send me another one? This one is a size XS-M. I guess I need a large. Because someone who has more than a 34 inch waist after giving birth to her second child would be considered a large. I'm being post-pregnancy fat-shamed by an inanimate object. 
This thing better change my life because it has totally ruined my week. The woman that sent it was so sweet and lovely - she really was. She's putting another one in the mail for me which means two things:1) I will totally be reporting back to tell you if there is any truth to this belly-shrinking claim, and 2) I have an extra, super-fancy Cinch for someone who is recovering from the birth of a child and has a 26-34 inch waist.
If that is you, I kind of hate you - but I also want to share the wealth. Whoever wins this thing will be getting it with the packaging kind of destroyed because I ripped it open in my excitement. The product is fully intact, though. Here is a link describing exactly what it is...
All I ask you to do is leave a comment, follow on Twitter and Facebook, and make sure I have an email to notify you if you win.

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