It has been perhaps 25 years since I regularly knew who was number one in the UK music charts, let alone the top 10. My default listening is Leonard Cohen and the Tiger Lillies.
And yet I read music reviews, and have a nine-year-old daughter who appears to be an Olly Murs fan (which apparently is a person and not a spot cream), so I like to consider I’m vaguely aware of the pop scene, or whatever it’s called these days. Therefore, in a spirit of enquiry, this blog post is me reacting to this week’s Top 10, which I am watching on a music channel called VIVA that I didn’t previously know existed. It appears to be owned by Nivea. I didn’t realised they were into music. Anyway, here we go. Rule: I will not Google any of the acts. I will simply react to what I am seeing.
10. Earthquake DJ Fresh vs Diplo
Aha, it’s an Avengers-themed video. Good, it’s a pop-culture reference I can recognize. Although there’s a man with a paper bag on his head, which I don’t remember from the film. The singer (Diplo? Or DJ Fresh? Don’t know) has an eye patch on. Pirate chic, genuine need or an homage to Gabrielle? I hope the former. I’m not sure what she’s singing, except that she wants me to drop like an earthquake, or at least she wants something to drop like an earthquake. I hope it isn’t me because I don’t think I know how. Aargh, giant doughnut! Hurray, they have evaded the giant doughnut and can continue walking forward in slow motion. Good. Now there’s a Hulk-like blob chasing them. They don’t fight him, they just keep walking. Now they’ve stopped. Now it’s the end of the video. That was anti-climactic. Nice outfit though.
9. Rizzle Kicks – Lost Generation
Rizzle Kicks is a great name. There he is, or maybe it’s one of his friends, falling into a piece of toast. Oops. Oh, he’s talking about hashtags. Ah, I think I understand that this song is about people spending too much time on their phones? “Why is everyone so PC?” he sings. Oh dear. Not a bad song though, though it seems like cheating to criticize modern technology while blatently using it as a song hook. Still.
8. Lady Gaga – Applause
I know who Lady Gaga is, so suddenly I feel on-trend. I even like her. Excellent. Hadn’t heard this new one though. There she is licking a curtain. There she is in a giant top hat wearing a silver tail. There she is with an enormous inflatable pillow. Now she’s mostly naked. Aargh, now she’s a black swan with a human face, that’s disturbing. Not getting much sense of the song. Oh my god, her bra looks like a pair of hands, I want one of those.
7. Miley Cyrus – We Can’t Stop
Right, now, I know who Miley Cyrus is, and I am aware that she used to be all wholesome and now she’s more naked and stuff, like Britney. Let’s see. She looks quite cool actually. Oh god, it’s a skull made of chips, why? Now there’s a foot bleeding pink milkshake. Now there’s some human-size teddy bears dancing. Are all music videos now just a succession of random images? Is that a stuffed otter on wheels? Again I am failing to listen to the song. I’m listening to it now but I can’t quite make it stick in my brain. The general theme of personal autonomy is good I guess? Oh, it’s over. That’s probably for the best.
6. Dre – Hold On, We’re Going Home.
This was briefly exciting because I like Eminem and therefore like Dr Dre by association, but apparently Dre’s been too busy to make a video for this song so they’re not playing it. How can you be too busy to make a video for a hit song? I’ll make one if he wants. There’s a video thing on my phone. I’ll just get my children to dance for a few minutes. It’d be brilliant. Call me.
5. Lana Del Ray, Cedric Gervais – Summertime Sadness
I think I have been meaning to listen to some Lana Del Ray. This sounds like something I might listen to, maybe. The video is quite soothing after the last couple.
4. Klangerussel [possibly] ft Will Heard – Sonnentanz (Sun Don’t Shine)
The title is making me want to go and listen to The Walker Brothers’ Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Any More. This is very much not that song. Both song and video are sliding off my brain like jelly off a spoon. There are some women wearing shorts. That’s all I’ve got.
3. Avicii – Wake Me Up.
A rave/bluegrass mashup, you say? You have my attention. Oh yes, this is my sort of thing, more or less. For the first time I am dancing a bit. Nice straightforward video of lots of people at a gig. If I were Avicii, though, I’d have done a rave version of a John Denver song, since that’s kind of what this sounds like anyway. I suggest Baby You Look Good To Me Tonight. I’d dance to a rave version of that.
2. Ellie Goulding – Burn
I’m fairly sure I’ve heard of Ellie Goulding. Video reminds me slightly of that one where Madonna walks along a dusty American road singing. This song is OK. Considering that the lyrics to this are about having the fire and letting it burn, it seems a bit… passionless. It’s hard to imagine Ellie Goulding burning anything except some toast, accidentally, while making a snack to go with a nice cup of tea. But that’s all right.
1. Katy Perry – Roar
Quite like Katy Perry. Wait I’ve even heard this song, I think. She has the eye of the tiger, which sounds a bit reckless of her. Not keen on the video being mostly a screen showing pretend text messages narrating the lyrics. I like videos where you see the singer singing. Or at least where there are some humans in it somewhere. Wait, here are some legs. No, back to the texts. Like Ellie Goulding, it doesn’t sound as energetic as the lyrics suggest. Also, I’ve only just realised it’s called Roar, not Raw, which is somehow disappointing.
And there we are. I’d heard of five and a half of the top ten acts, which is cheering. I probably liked Avicii best, but I’m not rushing to Spotify for any of them. I do feel briefly at the cutting edge of music, though, even though listening to those ten songs is clearly nowhere near any cutting edge anywhere. See you later – I’m off to see if Lady Gaga’s bra is available on eBay.
