Today is National Singles Day - a day as the organizers say is "for everyone, singles and couples alike, to recognize our single friends, family members, co-workers and others in our lives who are single." According to the U.S. Census Bureau singles are 45.2% of U.S. residents 18 and older - that's 110.6 million U.S. taxpayers - up 1.6 million from 2016.
But for those who are not single by choice and looking for lasting love, Diana Mandell, internationally acclaimed dating coach and relationship expert who has helped hundreds of men and women find love in their lives, shares the biggest mistakes to avoid when dating as well as tips for the best ways to approach men and women and tips for a healthy relationship. Diana has a private practice in NJ where she does private and group coaching and helps men and women identify the tools realistic, modern and lasting tools which leads clients to the right one.
DIANA'S TOP LIST OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES PEOPLE MAKE WHEN DATING:
NOT SCREENING DATES PROPERLY BEFORE GOING ON THEM:
People often wonder why they go on so many first dates. Diana say, "When you aren't doing the proper screening before a date, you end up going out with people who aren't suited for you. People say it's a numbers game, I believe it's a number game too but in the opposite sense. I think of it like a funnel - at the top there should be a lot of people who you meet, interact with, and talk to.
As you get to know them a bit better, it all starts to narrow and by the time you get to pursuing and actually going on a date with them, there should be very few." Diana further explains that the object is not to go out with as many people as possible. She says, "This is the hope and pray method." Instead Diana recommends that you notice if you see any red flags and ask yourself - is this someone I would want to spend a few hours with?
LACK OF SELF-WORTH:
Diana shares that to be a successful dater you need to have self-confidence. Dating is all about believing you deserve the best. Having low or no self-esteem can seriously derail your love life because you let people treat you poorly, or you believe you don't deserve a great person. Or maybe you allow your fear of rejection to dictate your love life (i.e. you won't make the first move because of feat of rejections), or you forget to make yourself a priority; you base your self-worth on whether your partner likes you etc. Diana says "we all have insecurities and fears. A lot of people think you either have it or you don't but it can be learned. It's like building muscle at the gym. As long as you give it attention and effort, you can learn to accept and like yourself. "
NOT HOLDING YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHAT YOU SAY YOU WANT:
Diana shares that people are very bad at follow through and they justify their dating decision on one thing - maybe it's looks, status or money and they completely forgot what it is they said they were wanting or needing in a relationship. "So many people say they want this and this yet the person they're dating has none of these qualities. In fact, they often have more of the dislike qualities than the likes."
NOT COMMUNICATING WANTS/NEEDS/EXPECTATIONS PROPERLY:
Diana says a lot of us wish that the other person could be a professional mind reader and that's not possible. She emphasizes that you need to communicate how you feel, what you need, what makes you happy, what upsets you, what makes you uncomfortable. "As soon as the person you're dating knows this, it gives them the ability to make you happy. Provide him or her with a roadmap to happiness. If not, they are going to assume and waste a lot of time doing things that don't matter to you, that don't work for them. "
NOT BEING AUTHENTIC BY HIDING WHO YOU REALLY ARE:
If you hide who you really are then you can't say that someone doesn't like the real you, says Diana. "People do this to protect themselves but what ends up happening is not only are people putting up a façade but you never get to experience someone truly loving you for the good, bad and ugly you bring."
APPROACHING MEN OR WOMEN
So once you know what not to do when dating, let's talk about how to start dating. Diana recommends men need to approach more. However, she suggests that they don't because they have approach anxiety. Diana recalls when she did her market research the two things guy feared the most are failing and/or getting rejected. She tells her male clients once they stop focusing so much on the outcome and letting her looks intimidate you, then this all becomes so much easier. Diana says men are also afraid of looking creepy. She tells her clients "you only look creepy when you're incredibly nervous or you're really desperate. Women can smell that from a mile away. The nice guys aren't doing a good enough job at approaching women but they beat themselves up for not doing it at all. (Can you make this sentence clearer please?)
Diana says women complain that the guys who approach them typically are not who they want to approach them. Diana tells women the easy solution is to go up and approach the guy who you're interested in getting to know. "The only point of approaching someone is gaining enough information from them to see whether they are worth pursuing or not, that's all. It's fact finding."
DIANA'S TOP 5 TIPS FOR FINDING A LASTING RELATIONSHIP:
MAKE TIME FOR SELF-IMPROVEMENT DAILY:
Diana says, "the better you show up in the relationship, the better the relationship is." She recommends creating a morning and evening routine that fits in your schedule. In that routine, she recommends journaling, meditating with positive affirmations, going to the gym, spending time doing something that you love like watching garbage tv, calling a friend, taking a bath or walk. She also suggests everyone have a therapist or coach they see weekly.
MAKE TIME FOR THE PERSON YOU'RE DATING:
Putting in time and effort, Diana says, is the most important piece of a lasting relationship. Diana says "I find that a lot of people work really hard at their job and when they come home, they just turn off and don't want to do more work. Relationships, no matter how healthy or how much you love each other, require work and it's a time commitment."
ALWAYS COMMUNICATE:
Be sure you're constantly communicating. Diana shares, "It can be for 5 minutes if that's all you need. I'm not saying you should speak every day for hours but you should consistently be speaking to one another knowing what's going on individually, how work is, how your family and friends are, and how the two of you are doing." Diana recommends always checking in because often people have things in their mind but either don't want to make it a thing or they don't know how to bring it up. "Give each other that time and the platform to speak to one another. Another tip is not to get defensive when you don't always like what you hear. Honesty is best and sometimes it stings to hear but it's important."
"Take time to appreciate one another," Diana says. Tell your partner that you appreciate the things they do - big and small. This is important."
PRACTICE SPONTANEITY:
Diana recommends doing cute things for each other, even if it's small. Diana recommends, "If your partner loves cupcakes, come home and surprise them with some on a random night; take weekend trips together; change things up in the bedroom. Do things to shake up the routine a bit."
ABOUT DIANA MANDELL
Ms. Career Girl was started in 2008 to help ambitious young professional women figure out who they are, what they want and how to get it.
