(spoiler warning, obvs)
5. Owen and Tamara's plotting: Ugh, I haven't been this annoyed by a plot since Mulan and Aurora were whining the first few eps of Season 2 away (btw, anyone else irritated that those two disappeared right when they were getting interesting - i.e. since it became apparent that they were totally in love with each other?). Let's hope the writers have a solid gameplan to somehow alleviate the pain of watching the extremely annoying Owen (he was more likable as a kid, and the flashback scenes were the only cool part of his plotline so far), or the even more obnoxious Tamara ham their way through another "oooh, we're so secret and conspiratorial!" scene.If we're supposed to be worried about what a couple of human troublemakers are up to, or see them as an actual threat when, um, Regina and Rumple are around...fail - so far, at least. Category: Completely ridiculous and bonkers.
4. RumpBelle's epic phone call: Are the writers intentionally withholding the character of Belle from us this season because we somehow haven't earned her fabulousness? I'm a bit confused. It seems like such a wasted opportunity to promote Emilie de Raven to series regular just to stick her in the amnesia ward for a billion years.
However, some of our RumpBelle - and just plain Belle - cravings were temporarily assuaged by the brief, yet potent phone call that occurred when Gold feared he was about to die. The sweet, stirring words of true love did more than just satiate the hearts of shippers - they also showed Bae/Neal another side of his father, prompting yet another epic Rumple speech that kicked off with, "Oh, I'm full of love." Category: Totally awesome.
3. #DarkSnow: Despite still being sweeter and more self-sacrificing than pretty much anyone, "Mary Margaret" (why are we still calling people by their fake Storybrooke names?) sure went through the ringer when she responded to Cora's cruel murder of her childhood maid (and, you know, Cora's plan to annihilate anyone and everyone else good in town) by tricking Regina into matricide. Now Snow's heart is getting darker by the day. Category:Completely ridiculous and bonkers / Totally awesome.
Sidebar: how creepy is Young Snow?! Bailee Madison's impression of Ginnifer Goodwin is just a little too accurate.
Goodwin managed to make Snow's weak-ass pleas that Regina kill her somehow compelling and deeply sympathetic, but we all know the more interesting part of this plotline was...
2. #SadRegina. No matter how many people she murders in cold blood, and no matter how many stupid decisions she makes (for example, trusting Cora again?!), somehow one wants Regina to be happy rather desperately. Lana Parrilla's continuous tour-de-force performances across bone-chilling crimes and heart-crushing emotional traumas is beyond Emmy-worthy.
It's hard to decide what was sadder: watching the look on Regina's face as she went from joy at her mother having a heart again, to realizing the heart was poisoned, or watching Regina's tragic Groundhog Day adventures through the early days of Storybrooke, as she fixated pathetically on the idea of mothering Owen. Category: Totally awesome - and you know, also sad.
P.S. Regina's merriment when she first got to Storybrooke was completely satisfying and hilarious, however. Huntsman in sheriff's uniform! Snow reduced to a whimpering milksop! Um, LOLZ. 1. August gets turned into a motherfrakking CHILD. Are you kidding me, Once Upon a Time? I know this show does twisted like no other, but even moments like "hi Mom and Dad, a.k.a. my fellow adult friends I've been chilling with for a straight year, let's all move in together" pale in comparison to changing a total hottie with serious romantic stakes in a main character into a cute little kid with a feathered cap.I don't know what's more messed up, the fact that Emma seriously hasn't been looking around for her near-b.f. for like the half year he's been M.I.A. (I know she's been busy, and I know she has quite a few near-b.f.'s, but still.), or watching a whole episode about an adult man's search for redemption, only to see him rewarded for his newfound morality by being zapped back to kindergarten.
Because August shouldn't have to deal with his problems as an adult; he should simply revert back to childhood and forget everything he learned along the way. Uh, what?Blue Fairy be craaazzzyyyyyy.
And the most underwhelming parts...
1. Anything involving Hook. This lame, overrated Captain Jack Sparrow-with-angst has a permanent lock on the snooze button. Instead of bringing in un-epic new characters, I wish we could have more time with awesome pre-existing ones like Jefferson, Red, or Graham (resurrect him already!). Or Belle. It's like...
2. The entire plotline of Emma/Neal and Henry: Despite yielding the delightful silver lining of Rumple being Henry's grandfather, this whole ball of wax has otherwise waned overlong and un-intriguing, with Neal kind of a dulldrom. And he has horrible taste in post-Emma love interests (hello, Tamara, Miss "check out my supernatural taser and superior attitude"!)
The bond between Baelfire and Rumple has always had a strong emotional current in the show, so let's hope OUAT can build on that to make Neal a bit less yawn.
3. Rumple and Cora were totally a thing: Isn't the whole point of RumpBelle that The Dark One was incapable of feeling love until he met our intrepid young Australian bookworm? I mean, Rose McGowan is fantastic and nailed her part as the past Cora, and I think the relationship had much more to do with lust, but still....they're throwing the word "love" around. I'm cool with pretending this awkwardness never happened.
Caveats aside, I can't wait to see what else the season has in store, from the insane to the extraordinary!
