Books Magazine

The Same 10 Questions I Always Ask Myself, November 2018

By Jennyphresh @feralpony
It's been a dreadful long time since I posted on this blog, so I decided to resurrect this recurring feature from the distant past.
1. What are you wearing?
A "schwag" fleece given to me by a former employer, which is too embarrassing to wear because of the logo, but is awful warm. It makes me feel like a "Best Buy" employee who is forced to wear the company uniform. So I will wear it around the house in a lurking fashion.  I think I may have to sew a patch over the company logo. Then it will be acceptable.
2. What's the nature of today's hypochondria?
The theme of 2018 is definitely mental illness. My WebMD searches reveal such terms as "How do you know you're going crazy?" and "Signs you have Schizophrenia." I even took a quiz that asked me  if I heard voices and saw things that "obviously aren't there." Obviously? How do I know that they are "obviously" not there? I see nothing and hear nothing, obviously. Unfortunately, this means I am mentally well. Is there a pill for this condition?
3. What was today's workout?
I sat my ass in a chair and typed. I'm angry about it. Note to the wise: Work out in the morning, lest the day escape you.
4. How do you do what you do and stay so sweet?
I use the phrase "bless his/her heart" whenever appropriate.  I learned this from my Texas friends. It's a phrase that really means "Fuck this asshole," but it sounds so much nicer.
5. What's that burning smell?
The house mouse ran into the fireplace and extinguished itself.
6. If you were an animal, what kind would you be?
Today I should be a turkey vulture, and settle upon a still-warm carcass. I actually enacted this role last summer, with some campers. Digging out their entrails was good fun.
7. What are you drinking, and why?
I am drinking down the angst of too many days wasted and ignored. Nights there are when I sip a sullen hunger.
8. In what ways hast thou offended?
I failed to plan for dinner tonight and thus hast ordered many pizzas, which feed my hungry sons but provide no real pleasure in the cooking arena. I opted for Blue Apron as a test. It will be delivered this Saturday. Bring it on.
9. What's the next big thing?
Summer camps for adults. S'Mores and cocktails. Slip 'n' Slides followed by rabid dance parties. Arts & Crafts with body painting. That sort of thing.
10. Music selection?
Camera Obscura: My Maudlin Career. 

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