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The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: There’s A Big Hot Mess App For That

By Danthatscool @DanScontras

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: There’s A Big Hot Mess App For That

iWork.  Sorta.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: There’s A Big Hot Mess App For That

The Genius Bar.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: There’s A Big Hot Mess App For That

 Empty Trash.

Grab a snack.  This is gonna be a long one.

So you know that somewhere out there in Cupertino tonight Steve Jobs is either pounding his head against the wall in shame, or putting on his party turtleneck and busting out a happy dance in front of his Apple TV.  And it’s a way cooler jive than any microphone waving WiiFit Dance Dance boogie thing.

This is the Dance of the Bravo TV App.

Apple products and Bravo TV combined.  Shut up.  I know, right?  It’s like Santa got my note.

Granted the thing crashes every time you load it, but once it starts humming it gives you the chance to talk smack about all those whackadoodle Housewives with other viewers who will also publicly deny ever watching this mess at the office tomorrow, as well as random real living breathing Bravo TV “stars” who must have drawn the short straw.  But honestly, even more fun than actually talking smack is reading smack, and let’s just say that some of those twitter folks are a little too emotionally invested in these shows.  Seriously.  Like keep 911 on your FaceTime speed dial.  That invested.

Lucky for us tonight, The Real Housewives of New Jersey again managed to unleash enough say wha–?! and she said wha–?! to necessitate a full charge on the iPad.

The juicy bits were all Teresa and bratzilla  Ashley, but everyone else managed to grab their camera time, don’t you worry.

As soon as the credits are done rolling, we are back at the restaurant for the second half of the Ashley intervention.  She is one big piece of spoiled brat meat, and refuses to treat anyone in her orbit with any respect.  She is a textbook example of the overly entitled 20 year old rich girl who can’t find herself a job to pay rent, but can somehow multi task texting, eating, crying and talking crap about her mother like she learned it at Harvard.  And then graduated with honors.  My pet peeve if you ever want to get under my skin?  Text while you are talking to me.  Good luck with that one.  I give it 15 seconds before we find out which one floats in the river better…you or your Blackberry.

Jacqueline is soooo done with her kid that she bolts from the table and somehow finds her way down into what appears to be the set from Act II of Phantom of the Opera.  Not sure how I feel about a restaurant that lets their customers wander aimlessly in dark hallways down by the bathrooms and kitchen where they make my food.

Ashley’s real dad is still there to lend a supportive hand in this mess.  Kinda.  If you were playing a drinking game and taking a shot every time Dad rubbed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in total surrender, you probably blacked out way before this paragraph, so you can finish up tomorrow.  He wants Ashley to clean up her act, respect her Mom and just generally get it together before he has to biff her upside the head.  (In an ironic “Do as I say, not as I do” kind of thing, it has come to light…and TMZ… that her dad and step-mom just got hauled off to jail for burning down their own home and making off with about half a million in insurance.  Wonder why step-mom’s face never moved?  She used some of the bank to maintain her plastic surgery habits.  No lie.)

Turns out that cousin Kathy (the one with the husband who I’m pretty sure wears swimming goggles as readers) has decided to get into the catering biz, because apparently every Real Housewife has to write a book or cut a dance mix single.  Unless you can prove otherwise, I’m going to my grave saying that is in their contract somewhere.  So she puts together a tasting party for all the hens, so they can try out her munchies and then get snarky on each other.  To turn up the Girl Power a notch or two, Kathy decides to give it a Goddess theme, which basically meant no dudes allowed in La Casa de Crazy.

Before the catering rehearsal thing can go down, Zen Jen, no lie…real name on the business card…comes over to the house to bless it and smudge it with jungle smoke and add to the general cooking stank in the kitchen.  Kathy is all about this Inner Chi kind of thing mainly because, based on a quick flashback,  Zen Jen appears to have been on retainer from one of the previous Danielle seasons.  Insert: “Prostitution Whore!” here in your best Teresa screech.

Kathy’s daughter, who is still trying to get over her mother using last week’s prom dress shop as her platform for Purity Rings, has some of the best silent glances of the episode.  She is now at that age where she not only wants to tap every boy in her creative writing 101 class, but is also starting to realize that her family is grade A Italian Nutella.

Before the Goddesses can be unleashed and feed their faces, Teresa and Joe have a little sit down with their lawyer.  All their scamming and spending and playing dumb seems to have caught up with the Giudices.

Couple of notes for Teresa:  If you are going to your lawyers to plead bankruptcy and throw yourself on the mercy of the court, you might not want to wear your fur and Louboutins.  And you might not want to bring Joe.  Seriously.

Those two roll into the office, and you know the elevator Muzac started piping in that “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other” song.  I swear I saw Elmo in the reception area.

Dude is a mess.  Sprawled all over the chairs, yesterday’s shirt and face still on, smelling like olive oil and denial.  Teresa had enough designer wear on for both of them, but still.  And they both try to put the being punished for telling the truth spin on this thing for the bazillionth time.  I’m sure that when their girls grow up, get married, get divorced, move back home and find that box of Bravo tapes and unsold cookbooks in the basement, they will just love seeing Mommy declaring “You gotta lie!”  That’s assuming that those girls will ever want to go back to that house, of course.  Look on the bright side…when they repress all these memories they may not even recall the street address.

Best Line Of The Night:  After a few seasons stereotyping Italians, New Jerseyites and Loud Women in general, Teresa took aim at a whole other focus group.  When the courts hit Joe with yet another $260,000 IOU for being so sketchy, she casually mentions that her Jewish friends ask her why she stays with that loser husband.  Hold Up.  What did she say?  Her Jewish Friends?

First, I’m thinking that ANY friend would ask her that, whether they put up a Christmas tree or not.  Second, are you saying that all Jewish people hang on to their money like tightwads?  Or just that they don’t like felons?  Or lazy Italians?  Or both?  Or that they are the only ones smart enough to see what a Goomba he is in the first place?  Teresa, you need to be more specific regarding why your Buddhist friends don’t mind Joe sticking around but your Jewish friends want him out of Temple Giudice asap.

And then there was a bunch of stuff with Ashley crying again and all the Goddesses eating little mini food samples, which gave Teresa the opportunity to announce…ie…meaning she could one up Kathy…that she was going to open up a restaurant.  Sure you are, honey.  I’m watching the Discovery Channel right now.  I’m going up on the Shuttle next month.

Oy vey, I tell you.  My Bravo TV app is shvitzing.

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