Oh yeah. I would totally tap that. Again.
Why yes, I am still gorgeous. Thanks for asking.
I’m like this many late. How many is that again?
It’s me. Again.
“You are cordially invited to the Launch Party for the new lounge at Lisa Vanderpump’s SUR restaurant. We hope you will be able to join us for this gala event.
Attire is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills semi-formal.
Food and drinks are snooty and overpriced.
Behavior is totally bat s**t mental.
See you there, or we’ll talk about you.”
Now granted, I never received anything in the mail…thank you very much Mrs. V…but I’m pretty certain that’s how it all went down on the pink embossed invites.
Grab your Cheetos, this is gonna take awhile.
After months of bossing people around while clutching Giggy WonderPup Vanderpump so close to her cleavage that strangers mistook him for a third boob, Lisa was finally ready to unveil the new lounge at Sur restaurant.
Since Beverly Hills Housewives don’t knit or scrapbook, Lisa’s newest hobby has been knocking down walls and expanding her foodie empire. After endless hours of walking around the work zone in crisp white shirts and leopard Louboutins, it was finally showtime.
(I gotta give Lisa her props on that one. I can’t make it down the stairs and out the front door in a white shirt before I have at least two strategically placed stains on me, but she can catwalk through a construction site for 3 months and still return the shirt if she was so inclined.)
The last we saw the Wives they were all back in Hawaii (…minus Taylor…) where Kyle and Kim had gone another round in the seemingly endless battle over Kim’s erratic behavior.
After missing every train, plane and automobile that they possibly could, Kim and her blue collar BoyToy Doof Ken had finally made it to Hawaii only to screw up everything when they got there. After a tearful confrontation at the Birthday dinner table, K&K had stormed off with a dramatic swish of a Kim’s pashmina scarf and Ken almost knocking the table over, Jersey Style, with his belly.
That was the last we saw everyone. I’m guessing that Bravo either ran out of film, or the remainder of the vacation was boooooring, because the next thing we know…everyone is home getting ready for the SUR Launch Party.
It was almost like we missed an episode. But we never saw the Brady Bunch come home from Hawaii either. They were just kinda there the next day. Spooky Tiki statue and all. So whatever.
The big news around town as everyone primps is that Russell left Taylor. Or Taylor kicked Russell out. Everyone had a slightly different take on what happened since they hadn’t gotten a chance to get the full scoop from Taylor yet. Everyone was talking about it, except Camille, who still had Russell’s nasty email threatening to sue her if she even mentioned their names in public fresh on her mind.
While everyone was getting ready for the party, Lisa was runway walking her way around the lounge barking orders and stressing that the construction workers were leaving their tools everywhere. Unless you can figure out a way to hang a bar mirror on the wall with just the friction from a balloon rubbed on your hair, than you need to simmer down, honey. They’re doing their job.
Dog walking husband extraordinaire Ken shows up to try and get a little sumthin sumthin from his wife in the middle of the bar, but Lisa pries him off her after just a hug. Shame to let all that canvas drip cloth on the floor go to waste, I know, but Ken is sent on his way to grab a cold shower before the guests arrive.
Speaking of sticky floors…Kim and Ken decided to get a hotel for the evening, so they could get liquored up at SUR and crawl home if they couldn’t find the limo at closing time.
I’m pretty certain they found this place on Craig’s List, because it looked exactly like a combo of the place The Jersey Shore guys stay in, combined with that luggage room on The Bachelor where all the girls go to cry. And Goodwill.
There was stuff everywhere. Makeup, clothes, unidentifiable plastic ziplock bags and enough single right foot shoes to fill 25 Kmart parking lots. How Kim can be that disorganized, and lose that much crap, within the confines of a Buy Two Nights/Get One Free hotel is beyond me. She has turned Spaz into an art form.
As her makeup boy tries to apply a base coat of thick primer to her messy skin, Kim rambles on and on about finding a little light up vibrator in her purse and mistaking it for her missing lip gloss.
One. Her makeup boy is going to get into Heaven simply by putting up with that Hot Mess for one night.
Two. I do NOT want to know where her lip gloss is hiding. Let’s just leave it at that and never speak of this again.
Ken gets progressively more agitated and begins to exhibit the kind of behavior that would almost explain some of Kim’s jitters. He lumbers around the hotel room telling her what to do and what to wear and what time it is and basically just creeped me out. He’s the D-bag guy at the bowling alley who always threatens to beat someone up for no reason. Totally that guy.
As Kim crawls around the floor looking for God knows what, Lisa is ready to show off her new baby SUR.
Horny Brandi is the first to arrive, with her posse of horny wing girls.
Since she was not able to score with the captain of the boat last week in Hawaii, she tries a few moves on the bouncers at the front door. But they’re working. And they have standards.
So no go.
Programming Note: When you watch this episode back on your DVR, or during one of the 264 times that Bravo repeats each Housewives episode (both Twitter and non-twitter versions…what a scam…) you absolutely have to play my new favorite drinking game.
Take a drink every time that Brandi’s dark haired horny girl friend bullies her way into a camera shot. Seriously.
If you are not face down before the end credits roll, you weren’t paying attention.
That girl shows up everywhere. Behind shoulders, in the background, in the foreground, on the bar, probably on the roof for crying out loud. Tell me I’m not lying.
It was like a crazy eyed Where’s Waldo? Game.
Not the kind of one rolly polly eye like that blond chick had that used to be on The Bachelor. I swear Brandi’s friend can see both right and left at the same time. Handy for the troops watching for incoming enemy planes and great for keeping track of Bravo TV cameras, but a little skeevy at a cocktail party.
Next up is everyone’s favorite cranky chef Bernie, who somehow got the night off from Adrienne. It’s been well documented that Bernie is not a big Lisa fan, so he was probably just there to put a Zulu curse on the kitchen and stick his wet finger in the appetizers.
It had been a few weeks since Brandi got in any good LeAnn Rimes bashing, so we were due for a good one. Turns out that one of Lisa’ waitresses used to date Brandi’s ex Eddie Cibrian sometime during his cheating phase before he completely boned Brandi and left her for LeAnn. Needless to say Lisa sent that little Tramplette home for the night with no tips, and Brandi was touched by her support.
Camille makes her grand entrance in yet another sexy, short, tight stunner from the Your Loss, Kelsey Collection. Last season she drove me bonkers. This season I want to give Kelsey Grammer the finger. I love her.
And every party needs a crasher, right?
Enter Cedric.
Say whaaa—?!?
Yup. Lisa’s former…umm…well…I’m not sure what he was. But he’s back.
Accompanied by Carmen Electra’s blond body double, Cedric struts in to wish everyone well and milk a little bit more out of his 15 minutes.
After spending years living jobless at Casa Vanderpump, he was finally booted to the curb last year and has now been blacklisted by Lisa and Ken. No one knows what he has been doing, and no one really cares. He’s pretty, but pretty don’t cut it anymore.
The fact that he showed up at all doesn’t say much for his career, or for the front door security guys, and Lisa had him booted out yet again. Up until Cedric showed up I would have bet that Lisa had both Ken and Giggy’s niblets cut off on the same day, but Mr. Vanderpump suddenly grew a pair and told Cedric to get the heck out of SUR. It was kind of like when the Grinch’s heart got really big right when they needed it most.
All Cedric had time for was a couple of air kisses and he was gone before Brandi’s horny friend could even slip him her number.
Oddest Couple Award goes to Taylor and her NoSock Doc Dr. Sophy. Taylor was feeling too insecure to attend alone, so she brought her shrink along for the ride, and he dashed for the car door like he was the family dog.
Kim and Ken took their sticky floored hotel shtick on the road and scummed up a limo with more rambling gibberish. As Kim dug through trash in the back of her seat while trying to take off her bra, Ken rolled his eyes and got increasingly aggressive. They made it to the party about two minutes before the driver was ready to take them over a bridge embankment.
Once everyone was inside SUR, the party really got started.
Ken barked at Kim to stay with him like she was a kid at the Mall, until she finally broke away long enough to confide in Adrienne that she was going to leave his sorry a** and run away for real.
That set off a warning flare and sent Adrienne running to Kyle, who pulled Kim into another room and got down and dirty.
Both sisters fell apart and tried to figure out just what was going on between Kim and Ken that had Kim so loopy. Through a lot of tears and fidgeting, Kim admits that she may be pregnant, since she is kinda sorta late, you know…
Ken is controlling. Ken puts her down all the time. She’s depressed and already packed to leave.
Programming Note: If you don’t feel like playing the previously mentioned drinking game, you’re second choice is to take a shot every time Kim plays with her hair during this confrontation. Check it out.
The evening ended up with another major revelation as Lisa zoomed in on the black eye that Taylor tried to hide with a thick layer of cover stick.
This led to all the Wives in a back room huddle as Taylor caved and admitted to what we all knew all along. Through tears and hugs, and one of those pig pile hand stacks that The Fantastic Four always do before they go off on a mission to The Negative Zone, the Wives commit to stand beside Taylor as the whole thing spins out of control.
Oh. And Kim locked herself in the bathroom in one final moment of spaz.
And look…it’s Brandi’s horny friend trying to get in.
I’ll drink to that.
