I could totally drive myself NutWad crazy right now.
I could totally drive you into that pole right now.
I could totally be the next Real Housewife too, you know.
Mommy could totally get used to sitting in laps too, Giggy.
I don’t remember Oscar the Grouch having a trash can on Rodeo Drive.
Yup. It was Girls Gone Wild meets Sesame Street.
And this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was brought to you by the letter “B.”
“B” as in Beverly Hills. And Book deals. And Boy Bootie. And Bonkers. And Bickering. And BFFs. And Bawdy Bachelorettes. And Brandi being Brandi. And a few Breakdowns thrown in just Because.
Money may allow you to stop the facial aging process, but it apparently doesn’t stop you from getting a major case of the hornies as witnessed by two carloads of Housewives let loose in Las Vegas. It was enough to send even Giggy running in hyper circles.
Fresh off her epic meltdown at Brandi’s party last week, Taylor met up with her new BFF Lisa to fill her in on any details that Lisa hadn’t already snooped out on her own.
Though Lisa has previously turned TaylorBashing into a hobby and on numerous occasions has gone on public record stating that they are not really friends, the combination of strong British tea and peer pressure seems to have brought her back around to Team Taylor. That and the potential to come out of the whole mess looking like a Hero as she tries to save Taylor from herself.
And the gossip potential probably doesn’t hurt either.
Between appetizer nibbles and way too many of her signature hair bang tugs, Lisa let’s us all know that Taylor is crying for help and that she should be there for her.
We also learn that Lisa has had such a long day, and it’s only lunchtime. It’s not an easy life she leads.
Meanwhile, Camille and her BFF DD are also suffering through a long day of choosing which wine to drink when Brandi comes over to rehash the Malibu Beach party from Hell. DD, who was the catalyst for the entire Camille vs. Taylor drama at the beach house, is both desperately trying to protect Camille and get her own face on the Bravo Housewife Bio page if it kills her, all at the same time.
You know that Miss DD is looking at Brandi and that label whore Dana and wondering what those beeotches got that she ain’t got. Sometime’s life is so unfair.
The fallout from the beach house drama, which was fallout from the previous Tea Party drama when Camille said IT, has really broken up the BH girl group and nobody knows what to do next. Even though Camille was only repeating allegations of abuse that Taylor herself had told the girls, somehow hearing it spoken out loud as caused Taylor to pop a nutty that will not go away. Camille, DD and Brandi were understandably shocked by Taylor’s glassy eyed HyperSpaz that night.
I was more shocked that the three of them were together in one room and not once did they slam Kelsey Grammer or LeAnn Rimes. They must have been off their game this week. You’ve got a week to sharpen your claws, girls. Let’s go.
For comic relief you can always count on The Bickersons.
Adrienne and Paul were running late for their appearance on the afternoon talk show The Doctors, where they were thankfully going to be talking about how they stay healthy on a busy schedule as opposed to their time management skills.
Adrienne, as always, was being pushed one step closer to spousal homicide as Paul does everything but poke her with a stick to get her going. Not only does he question her choice of belts, but he tries to stuff his hospital scrubs into the same bag with her boxing gloves which…well, you just don’t do that, Paul. You just don’t.
When even the dog looks up at the camera and rolls his eyes, then you know it’s going to be classic Bickersons.
After unleashing everything but a Whoopie Cushion on his wife, they head to the car where Adrienne continues her frustrated head shaking, Paul’s stomach growls and they bust out some stellar Point/CounterPoint.
Paul wants Adrienne to make him breakfast in the morning but since she can’t find the kitchen, much less toast a Pop-Tart (…that’s Bernie’s job, the world’s crankiest in-house chef…) Paul doesn’t stand a chance of ever seeing that one happen. Adrienne counterpoints with Paul riding too closely to the car in front. He comes back with something witty and Adrienne contemplates jumping out at the light.
Paul then contemplates pushing her out, but somehow they both make it to the studio in one piece for the taping.
They are the Ultimate Power (Struggle) Couple.
While Adrienne and Paul are kicking each other under the table on national television, Kyle is picking out chandeliers for her White Party hosting event. For the first time this season, Faye Resnick makes a cameo where there is no food involved, and milks her 15 minutes of OJ Simpson fame into a day at the lamp store. She probably should have worn those infamous If They Don’t Fit gloves for a tighter grip, because she managed to drop a $750 chandelier that had to be put on Kyle’s credit card. I think Faye was surprised when it happened, but with all that Botox it was kind of hard to tell what her face was doing.
But even harder to figure out than Faye’s face, was Giggy’s wild circle dance on the couch at the Bridal Dress Showroom.
Seriously. Google it. It’s the best 5 seconds of video ever filmed on Bravo. I think it just knocked Teresa’s table flip to the #2 spot.
Dressed in his signature light blue onesie, Giggy was front and center for the bridal fashion show and was his usual sluggish, pick me up so I don’t ever have to walk, little self. Until all of the sudden, in some kind of sugar induced burst of energy, he went totally Taylor spaz on the couch. He sat down in a weird half monkey, half dog kind of way. Then he ran in a circle. Then he laid back down. Then he ran in another circle. It was like he had just discovered his own feet for the first time after being held for so many years. It was like he was…I don’t know…a real dog for once.
What are these four things? What’s That? What’s That? Gotta Pee.
The whole thing was absolutely irrelevant to anything going on this week, but it made me smile and is totally my new screen saver.
Then it was Dueling Girls Gone Wild.
Adrienne, after getting dissed by Lisa as the host site for Pandora’s Bachelorette Party, had gone ahead and invited Camille, Brandi, DD and label whore Dana to Las Vegas…on the same weekend that Lisa, Bachelorette Pandora, new BFF Taylor and a gaggle of overly entitled twenty something girls are in town at Planet Hollywood. Kim was also supposed to join Adrienne, but she pulled another excuse out of her Endless Excuse Hat and bailed on them again.
Adrienne vs. Lisa.
Sheriff Vanderpump, this town ain’t big enuff for both of us.
Since Giggy was back in Beverly Hills, this was the first time that Lisa’s lap had been exposed to the elements in years, and both she and her lap were going to make up for lost time. As soon as she crab crawled out of the limo and into the Party Suite, Lisa was on full blown Cougar mode with Taylor not far behind.
It was also Taylor’s 40th birthday, and with Russell miles away she could actually practice using her happy face, something that no one had seen for a long time.
Down the Strip, Adrienne and her posse were getting ready to hit the clubs and shake what their mommas gave them, after a little bowling in their own Party Suite. Dana arrived in style, of course, with a 125K diamond lollipop holder that she immediately rubbed in everyone’s face. Someone needs to just slap her. Just once.
Seeing Camille toss a bowling ball in spikes made for some good TV, and in her head I bet she was probably picturing Kelsey’s severed junk rolling down the lane.
Brandi was still rocking that one big Wookie foot, so her ball technique was a little off. Once she gets that boot removed I have no doubt she will beat all the other women down at the Elks Lodge Bowling Night.
Across the street, the Cougars were headed to Chippendales for some naughty bits. Lisa did her best prim & proper Brit Girl routine for a full 2 minutes or so before she started looking for dollar bills to put between her teeth. Taylor’s mouth was opened up so wide that I thought she would dislocate her jaw before the second Act.
By the time that Pandora, Lisa and Taylor were pulled on stage and given the opportunity to give lap dances to three of the Chips there was no turning back. Lisa went down like she was on a backyard Slip & Slide while Taylor just got performance anxiety and sat in her dude’s lap. And crossed her legs, of course. She’s a lady.
As Lisa was sliding down her fireman’s pole, Adrienne and The HornDogs were hitting the dance floor. Camille called it just enjoying being a woman, which I think is code for Frat House soft porn as she and Brandi got to know each other a little better. Bump & Grind, sistahs.
Since we couldn’t end on a happy note, back home Kyle takes mother-in-law Estella and her new face, to the mall to buy an outfit for the White Party, where she runs into Kim.
Long story short, Kim breaks down in the middle of the store as she tells the sad story of how her kids feel abandoned now that she has moved in with her very own Ken doll.
Kim is like one of those big sloppy Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onions, where you just keep peeling and peeling and never get to the end of the drama. There’s more to this one than a 4 minute dress boutique breakdown can reveal. Something is up.
The whole thing just gives me Giggy Spins.
