Excuse me?
With all due respect to those second string Real Housewives of New York, I’m pretty sure that I just experienced more of Morocco at one California party than I did during that entire drawn out multi week trip Ramona and The Countess had forced everyone to take part in this past season. Seriously.
And this time it wasn’t even on Bravo’s tab. No passports required, and you didn’t need to put all your toiletries into little airplane bottles. This is the way to see the world, people. Travel to a foreign land and still be home in time for Leno.
This week The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills went to fake Morocco…and infinity & beyond…to prove to any remaining doubters still out there, that they have more money than you will ever have.
End of story. You lose. They win.
Don’t even try to keep up, because this time around we got a reserved front row seat for the chance to witness excessive partying, excessive face lifting, generally excessive Beverly Hills excess…and a gigantic camel thrown in just to prove their point.
The Big Event was finally here.
Or at least the second biggest one if you count the upcoming Wedding.
Or maybe even third, actually, if you count the highly anticipated, though nervously stalled for eight episodes, first appearance of Russell Armstrong in what will undoubtedly go down in TV history as one of the most awkward and uncomfortable voices from the grave scenes ever.
Ever.
But whatever number you give the thing on the Superficially Important Bravo Scale, it was time for The Engagement Party.
On those rare occasions when Lisa Vanderpump actually stops talking about herself long enough to change subjects, the conversation usually veers towards her daughter Pandora who is still living in sin with her prepster boyfriend Jason and not making much progress on producing a grand baby to go head to fuzzy head against Sissy Dog Supreme Giggy for Mom’s attention. Lisa wants a marriage license and a grandchild and she’s getting a little tired of waiting. Thankfully Jason finally proposed, and it’s time for the Engagement Party!
Lisa and her live-in dog walker, husband Ken, have ample room in their home to host any party. Casa Vanderpump is ginormous, in a crazy Architectural Digest meets the Barbie aisle at Target kind of way.
Ginormous. And very pink.
But since Lisa doesn’t like other people using her bathroom, and large crowds give Giggy nervous pee, she has secured the mansion of her BFF Mohamed for Pandora’s bash. Let him clean up after everyone leaves. She’s no fool.
Not to be outdone, Taylor is planning another birthday party for 5 year old Kennedy. Taylor took some heat last time for the over the top Wonderland Crazy Hat birthday party she threw that involved everyone but her daughter, so this time she is working the family friendly angle. That requires lots of animals, a rodeo cowboy theme and a trip to what appears to be the country’s most expensive cake bakery.
In a quick little flashback to the party, knowing what we all know now, that entire episode last year was one big laser pointer signaling that something wasn’t right in Armstrong Land. Seriously wrong.
Label junkie Dana meets her for some taste testing and design discussion at the bakery. I’m thinking it’s because in Dana’s mind if she buddies up to Taylor, then Taylor will put in a good word with Camille, and Camille will finally give Dana squatters rights at the Hawaii Bungalo, because we all know that Dana won’t rest until she has her toes in that white sand. I swear the only person who wants to get into that house more than Dana is Kelsey, and he probably stands a better chance of spending the night.
Since we all know that most 5 year olds are going to end up wearing more of the birthday cake than eating it, I’m not sure I could justify spending $1000 on any baked good shaped like a Unicorn, but Taylor didn’t seem to mind. I guess if your daughter thinks that Unicorns actually really live on rodeo ranches then you have bigger problems to deal with down the road. But still. And 200 guests? How big is that pre-school?
Before all the Housewives can get to Mohamed’s House of Morocco, Kyle has to accompany her mother-in-law to Paul’s House of Face Lifts. Taking a break from driving Adrienne to an early grave, Paul is performing surgery on Mauricio’s Mom, because it’s Beverly Hills and that’s what we do.
Kyle is not a big fan of surgery and is already a little queasy just from watching Paul doodle magic marker lines all over Mom’s face. After dotting enough lines and arrows on her face to run Super Bowl plays, Paul takes Mom into surgery while the family waits outside, apparently oblivious to the fact that all of his surgical tools are on a Sears Craftsmen workbench. He’s a real doctor, right?
Considering I won’t even go the dentist, I’m probably not the one to judge the skills of anyone in the medical profession, but I’m not sure that if I was lying on the table with my face pulled back over my hairline while a nurse applied suction, that I would want my doctor chatting up Mark Wahlberg on the phone. Seems that one of the anesthesiologists claims he is Marky Mark’s doppleganger and Paul just happened to have The Funky Bunch on speed dial.
Sometimes it’s better to not even ask, and just move on.
After Mom’s surgery…minutes after it seems…Kyle and Mauricio go in to check on her progress. Now I’m not sure what they expected 4 minutes after Paul put her face back together, but no wonder Kyle had a meltdown. Poor Mom looked like Mr. Bill from the old SNL skits. Except it was Mr. Bill with his head wrapped in that cheesecloth the Fromagerie guys use to drain mozzarella down in Little Italy. And all Mom could muster was a shaky Fonzie thumbs up “aaaaaaay” over and over.
Needless to say, Kyle took off down the hall like the Cowardly Lion did that first time the scary Wizard Head yelled at him. I’m rethinking my lip implants.
But the Mr. Bill face wasn’t as disturbing as the first, and only, scene so far this season with Russell.
We knew it had to happen sooner or later. There really wasn’t any way to completely avoid the subject, and I’m sure that Bravo spent the last 8 episodes trying to figure out how long they could go and not drop him into a scene. Hoping that viewers might just forget about him, they put it off as long as they could but tonight he returned. And it was creepily like he was reaching out from the Other Side.
Kyle and Mauricio dropped by the Armstrong’s for the most clumsy, hard to eat plate of food anyone has ever been served, but luckily no on had much of an appetite as it became very clear early on that Taylor and Russell were on the outs. US Weekly had just hit the stands with an article that Taylor was separated, and Russell swore that it was Lisa who leaked the inaccurate story.
While Kyle and Mauricio had a little inappropriate dinner table canoodling, Taylor and Russell sat across from them like they had never met each other yet, and had never witnessed a couple in love.
Awkward ain’t the word. It was either 30 seconds, or 60 minutes, of silent eye shifting and looking up and looking down and looking side ways that went on way too long. If Bravo wanted to make Russell the Bad Guy for the upcoming rodeo, they did what they set out to do. Even Kyle’s daughter in her mini Rachel Zoe fur vest couldn’t break that tension.
The rest of the episode shifted to fake Morocco and all that money can buy.
Pandora got both Lisa’s British accent and cleavage in the DNA chain as she and her mother prepared for the party. The Vanderpumps were looking quite Vanderplump.
You’d think with all that boobage in his face 24/7 Ken would be in a better mood, but Lisa seems to have beat him down into submission after all these years. Or maybe he misses his buddy Giggy, who was noticeably MIA for most of the episode.
Lisa had received a 10K diamond bracelet when she was preggo with Pandora, and recently had it rebuilt into a $68,000 heart shaped engagement necklace for Pandora.
Guess they don’t do Best Buy gift cards.
For a final slap in Ken’s face, she engraved the back of the heart with code for “Mommy loves you,” probably scratching out the “Daddy” part.
To get her back, Ken re-gifts a $21,700 watch that Lisa gave him and wraps it up for Jason. Take that you wannabe Barbie.
If I was Jason I would have put that thing on ebay and ran as far away as possible, but for whatever reason he chose to stick around and go through with the party.
Maybe he knew there would be a camel there.
That’s right. Mohamed had a big ol’ camel to greet the guests as they arrived. And snake charmers. And tents. And exceptionally flexible dancers. And every whacky thing that Morocco could offer a tourist. Honestly, he and Lisa would have spent less money if they just shipped everyone overseas on a cargo ship, but it’s Beverly Hills.
And that’s what we do.
The party was so out of control that I almost gave myself a Henna tattoo while I was sitting on the couch just to feel like I was a part of the festivities. But it wouldn’t have been as Gangstah as the air brushed ink that Adrienne got sprayed on her bicep in the lobby.
I know, right? $10,000 worth of jewels on her gladiator dress chest plate, and a Krylon stencil on her arm. She is a keeper.
Snuck in the middle of all this was our first glimpse of Kim’s secret lover whom she met while he was picking up his ammo catalogs or Sopranos Netflix DVD or something out of his mail box.
The whole thing would have been more exciting if there hadn’t been a camel.
Sorry, Kim. Camels are way cooler.
