Humor Magazine

The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: It’s The Great Divide. Save A Horse, Tip Your Valet. Y’all Come Back, Now.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras


Well, sheeeeooooot.

Smack my butt and call me Sally.

Or Taylor.  Or Adrienne.  Or Kyle.

Hold on to your Louis Vuitton Stetsons, because it was Beluga Caviar, Skoal Chewing Tobacco and My Little Pony come to life as The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills tried to get in touch with their Inner Cowgirl this week.

But before we could get to the Rodeo Drive County Fair, we had to finish off the Tea Party from Hell back at the Vanderpump Mothership.

Last time we saw all the girls, Lisa’s prim and proper British Tea Party had taken a little bit of a bad left turn when Camille, fed up with Taylor’s inconsistent behavior regarding her mess of a marriage with Russell (…and maybe just a little residual “I hate Kelsey” still stuck to the bottom of her tea cup…) finally addressed the elephant in the room.

And by addressing the elephant in the room, I mean she stalked the elephant, killed it jungle dart style, dragged it across the lawn, up the front stairs and dumped it in the middle of the living room all by herself.  Then she addressed it, and then proceeded to make a necklace from the tusks.

She said it.

Russell is abusive.  And until Taylor can be honest, Camille can’t be bothered.  With one last telanovela-worthy “That’s not cool,” Camille was gone, leaving Lisa and Taylor to kiss and make up while Kyle sat back doing that hands on her face thing that she does every week.  Not cool.

To break the tension, we got some much needed comic relief from another episode of The Kim & Ken Show.

Now that Kyle and the rest of us in BravoLand know that Kim has moved in with her new redneck beau Ken, we can all look forward to seeing them bump into each other as they get used to having another person in the house.

Think The Carol Burnett Show on meds.

This week whacky Kim and Ken are bickering over one of those wire Golden Gate Bridge wall art thingamabobs from Home Goods.  They are deciding if it should go over the fireplace and turn the whole project into a Tim Conway sketch.  Kim actually thinks it’s a boat, not a bridge, which would give the live audience quite a chuckle if they still filmed shows in front of one like the good old days.

Let’s just say that if the woman can’t tell the difference between the two, I don’t want to be anywhere near her on the expressway or in the water.  Sitcom gold.  I’m so glad we had this time together.

After all these years, Faye Resnick is still on her post OJ Simpson Image Repair Tour and somehow manages to randomly score on screen face time when you least expect it.

Usually she only shows up for Housewife seances and bad dinner parties, but this time she is back with fabric swatches and an ear for gossip.  She is torn between adding color to Kyle’s home or dishing about Taylor’s marriage, and has apparently given herself the title of Abusive Relationship Know It All/Interior Designer to cover all the bases.

Since her face doesn’t move anymore, I wasn’t really sure how concerned she actually was about the whole thing.  But the fabrics she chose looked nice.

Moving on, we get to check in with Lisa and daughter Pandora as they prep for the Big Day.  Pandora has chosen a bridesmaid dress and brings it to the restaurant to show Mum.  Most girls just cut a picture out of a magazine.  But whatever.  Better off to not question a Vanderpump.

Pandora also wants Mum to come to Las Vegas for the Bachelorette party.  For some reason I can’t quite get a visual on Lisa wearing one of those iParty tiaras and playing Pin the D*** on the Groom.  Naturally, Lisa declines the offer, though she does offer up the Las Vegas Planet Hollywood since she knows the creator and he is willing to let Vanderpumps Gone Wild use the venue for the night.

Is there anyone this woman does not know?  She barely got the camel fur off her gown from that Arabian Nights Engagement party last month, and she is already pimping out the next gazillionaire.  I must be doing something wrong.

Before the ‘wives go all country on our butts, we get one last lunch break with Kyle, Adrienne and Camille so they can continue to psychoanalyze Taylor.  For some reason they pick a clam shack/burger looking joint, give their order to an incredibly happy waiter and then talk a little smack.  Smack sprinkled with concern.

Luckily they didn’t really discuss anything earth shattering, because I was too distracted by the girl at the next table texting on her cell.

You know it was totally “OMG. I’m sitting next to the RHOBH.  OMG.  They make me feel so fat.  Andy Cohen is so dreamy.  LOL.”

Then it was time to put on our spurs, mosey down to the Saddle Rock Ranch and rustle up some grub at Kennedy Armstrong’s 5th Birthday Party.

After taking some heat for last year’s over the top, mucho expensivo Alice in Wonderland Mad Hatter birthday bash which her daughter barely even participated in, Taylor wanted to dial it down and keep it simple this time.

I know, right?  As if.

If by simple she meant a County Fair theme complete with petting zoo, bouncy tents, bull riding machine, live ponies and a guy from American Idol…then yeah.  Simple.

Following the signature Bravo format used in every single episode ever of The Rachel Zoe Project, nothing was on time and nothing was going right.

OhMyGod.  It was Beverly HIlls Ba-nan-as.

If you’ve never seen the Zoe Show, I guess you could have skipped that last paragraph.

Sorry.  I know you’re busy.

The only thing remotely County Fair about this whole thing was the horse poop on the ground.  Other than that it was nothing like the corn dog on a stick thing I remember when I was growing up.  I certainly don’t recall my parents dropping off the station wagon with the valet service.  And I know that I never saw that much on-loan turquoise jewelry on the women.

Label ho’ Dana comes early to prevent Taylor from having another meltdown and instead of gifting Kennedy a Barbie Dream House, she instead delivers former American Idol loser Ace Young in some cool biker shades.  Glad to see his career has sky rocketed to the point where he can still find time to sing at a 5 year old’s birthday party.  I guess Tim McGraw was busy.

Since Ace is better known for making Paula Abdul horny than for actually singing, he worked his pretty magic on Taylor who immediately got a little tongue tied.  For a woman who never eats, she was ready to gobble him up like last night’s left overs if she could get Dana out of the way.

For a little bit of a Green Acres mix, we went back to the city side of things long enough to check in on Lisa and Pandora as they picked out invitations.  Moo Goo Gay Wedding Planner Kevin Lee was back and he still didn’t quite seem to have gotten a handle on the fact that this is not actually his wedding that he’s planning.

But neither has Lisa, who is quick to point out that this is HER day, not his.  Umm.  Did either of you notice Pandora sitting there?  Just asking.

Instead of just licking an envelope and calling it a day, Pandora has chosen a massively oversized rose covered box bigger than her head to send as her invite.  She has so far put 187 people on the list.  And each box is $150.  I don’t have my calculator on me.  You figure it out.

Kevin Lee needed his inhaler by the end of the scene.  He was fogging up his Ace Young glasses.

Speaking of…back to the Saddle Rock.

Kim shows up and demonstrates how she can ride a bull.  Lucky Ken.

Then the whole thing got pretty awkward pretty quickly as both Russell and Brandi arrived on the scene.

Again, knowing how the story ends, the whole Russell thing just never gets easy to watch.  Even when he is being a total Dbag you hate thinking it or saying it out loud because…well, you know.  And nobody else likes the guy anymore.  They don’t even try.

The guy seems to have been born without the muscle that makes you smile and everyone snarks about Russell trying to use the event to become Father of the Year as he argues with Taylor about what time they are presenting the live pony.  The family photo has to go off as planned…or else, I guess.

Brandi shows up with her human crutch Cari and tries to make friends with Kim, who wants no part of that game.  With the theme song from Gunsmoke as a backdrop, Hop Along Brandi wobbles over to Kim as they face off like Marshall Dillon and that Bad Guy from Miss Kitty’s Saloon.  Not only can Kim not differentiate  between boats and bridges, but she also can’t seem to discern sincere from phony and naturally assumes that Brandi is just playing nice for the cameras.

Most of the girls missed the drama, since only Dana was scene stealing at the time.  Ace Young certainly didn’t notice as he clutched a cocktail and belted out a gravely birthday tune to all the 5 year olds in the audience as if he was expecting Ryan Seacrest to come down the stairs when he was done.  He knows where he is, right?

As Ace pumped his hips and pointed out into the audience I thought I heard a balloon animal pop.  Or an implant.  I don’t even want to know.

Finally Russell got his way and presented Kennedy with her new live pony.

Unfortunately Kennedy did not seem any more taken with the horse than she did with Ace, and both of them kind of just rode of into the sunset like the last scene in a bad silent movie western.

Git along, little doggies.

No offense, Giggy.

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