Remember the opening scene from The Lion King?
Where all the animals slowly gather around the base of the mountain top to witness the birth of the future King? And that old monkey holds the little lion cub high up above his head to announce the arrival of the newborn, and all the animals go completely bonkers ape s*** nuts?
Yeah, that scene.
Now replace the gathering animals with ultra fabulous gay boys and the girls who love to air kiss them. Replace the mountain top with the well lit end of a Fashion Week runway, complete with dramatic music and a fog machine.
Replace the old monkey with old Karl Lagerfeld from the House of Chanel raising the newborn Skyler Morrison Berman high above his head so all the paparazzi can get a good shot, even if they’re in the cheap seats.
That’s pretty much how it went down at the hospital this week.
The Rachel Zoe Project proudly announces the launch of their newest fashion accessory.
It’s called a baby.
Finally. After months of not only being the first woman to have ever experienced pregnancy, but having to experience it at a SuperPregnant Code Red level, Rachel’s Sparkling Water finally broke and she had her baby.
This is how it all went down.
Rodger with a D had just met with nervous wreck Assistant Jeremiah and told him that as much as they all loved his rockstar hair, his services were no longer needed at the Rachel Zoe Compound. As much as Jeremiah wanted to be a stylist, he had no prior experience which Rachel would have known if she had asked for a resume. Jeremiah’s skills are in both home decor and being scared of his own shadow, but unfortunately neither of those fit the current Zoe Inc. business plan.
Thanks for decorating our entire house in 2 days, though. And thanks for letting Diva Joey walk all over you. We’re terminating your medical plan, but you can buy into the more expensive Cobra Plan and still get coverage for your blood pressure medicine.
After Jeremiah went home to lick his wounds and spike his hair, Joey and Melinda/Mandingo/Mandana have a little (Mean) girl talk about the poor guy. He wasn’t fired for doing a poor job. He was fired because they didn’t have anything that fit his skill set. Again, the resume would have cleared that one right up. Both of them sort of feel they should have a party or something for the poor schmo. A Sorry You Got Screwed Over Party. And a Mexican theme would be great because they are both jonesing for some burritos.
Mandana didn’t really like the way Jeremiah’s fingernails were always dirty from painting and making Home Depot runs. Joey was too busy acting fierce to really add much to the conversation. Girl can even work it sitting in a chair, I swear.
While Joey was doing his Single Ladies Victory Dance over getting Jeremiah booted, Mandana felt bad and met up with the former employee to make sure he wasn’t going to implode or sue the company. Having someone who still has a job tell someone who just lost their job to stop wallowing in self pity seemed a little insensitive. Jeremiah’s brain and hair were both going in every direction possible, and he couldn’t figure out his next move quite yet.
He really wanted to do a Rachel Zoe Home Line, which I guess would consist of designer coasters for your Starbucks and blinged out cell phone charging stations. But since the clothing line had yet to make its One Time Only debut on QVC, dude was outta luck. Mandana tried to put the “you didn’t suck” spin on the conversation, but Jeremiah wasn’t buying it. Bottom line he was still fired, right? Mandana just smirked and asked for the check.
Back at the Zoe Home, which still had Jeremiah’s sweat and blood stains on the carpet, Rachel and the Ultra Fab Joey were packing up her Louis bags for the trip to the hospital. Kind of like the bag that Lucy and Ricky had set aside for the night she went into labor, but with a more secure latch. Wacky sidekick Ethel was a little more level headed than Joey, though they both wore approximately the same number of bobby pins in their hair.
Rachel ran around in another pair of totally inappropriate sky high wedge boots while waving around her checklist, which read like a fashion shoot itinerary. I don’t know too many people who feel it is necessary to bring their oversized “sunnies” to the hospital. I’m not sure how bright she thinks the lights in the Delivery Room are going to be that she would need Dior sunglasses. Granted I have never given birth, but I’m fairly certain that if I was crowning I wouldn’t be too worried about my crow’s feet.
Since every Bravo TV show comes with a built in Rush Week Drinking Game, the Zoe Show is no different. Take a shot every time you see Joey dramatically roll his eyes, and I bet you won’t make it to your 8am Chem Lab tomorrow. Bitch is so far over the top that he is almost back down the other side already. I’ve never seen anyone so conscious of the fact that at any minute some internet troll could be capturing him on a screen shot. Nobody can pose like Joey, regardless of the situation or conversation.
Because the world of Fashion doesn’t come to a screeching halt just because Rachel Zoe is dilating, Joey has to jet off the NYC to take part in his first Trifecta.
Hair. Make up. Styling. All at once.
He died a little.
Model/Actress/Reality TV cameo girl Molly Sims is desperately in need of Joey’s services, and he makes it clear that this is going to be waaaay fun in that Dreamgirls hands up kind of way that only Joey can do. Pulling dresses is waaay fun! Joey says more is more is more is more….I went to get a drink and came back……is more is more is more! We get it, Joey. We get it.
When Joey gets to NYC he is joined by his brother for a little fashion preview in the hotel room.
Yes. His brother. They are breeding, America.
And it has to be seen to be believed.
Remember in the old 60s and 70s TV shows when they would have one person play two parts in the show? Like in Bewitched when there was Samantha and her cousin Serena, and they would use really bad special effects to have them both on the screen at the same time on opposite sides of the room, and sometimes you could sort of see the split screen in the middle?
I swear on my comic book collection that is what they did on The Rachel Zoe Project this week. There were TWO Joeys!!
Joey and his brother looked alike, totally OhMyGod talked alike, and even rolled their eyes alike. Double shot.
If you looked away from the television for a second to prevent the scene from being burned into your retinas, there was no way you would know who was talking. It was a MindFreak, and will probably keep me awake tonight.
I was so spooked that when Joey finally hooked up with Molly Sims for the Trifecta, watching him pretty much try on the clothes himself paled in comparison. Lock your doors. There are two Joeys.
Finally, around 4:05am, Rachel’s water broke. In a scene that could easily be edited into the next Paranormal Activity sequel, we got to see some home video of Rachel trying to do her hair before they left for the hospital, and I hate to tell either of the Joeys…but it didn’t look any different than when he does it before an event. Seriously. Why does she pay him all that money? The woman was about to drop a baby on the ceramic tile and her hair looked like it did on the last Elle shoot. I give up.
Rodger and Rachel and Lucy and Ricky and Ethel all rush to the hospital where they can hurry up and wait. And wait.
Due to some superstition that had Rachel completely NuttyBuddy, no baby things could be moved into their home before the birth, so naturally that meant you had to do it while she was chewing ice chips. That’s all good in theory, but it leaves you a little short handed.
Luckily Jeremiah has no job, and everyone else in Rachel’s life has no shame, so they coerce him into helping put together the Mother of All Nursery Rooms before they bring the baby home. Since he was just sitting around updating his resume and still had low self esteem, Jeremiah was more than happy to turn his SUCKAH shirt inside out and race over to help.
When it finally came time for Karl Lagerfeld to hold up the future King, everyone bolted and left Jeremiah alone in the house. Again. If he wasn’t always so covered in nervous sweat I would give him a hug. He always looks so sad…I hope he did something nasty to their toothbrushes or something just out of spite while they were gone.
Back at the hospital all the animals went completely bonkers ape s*** nuts.
The fashion world’s Circle of Life was complete.
OhMyGod.
