Dating Magazine

The Psychology of Getting Back Together After A Break Up

By Louise Hadley
The Psychology of Getting Back Together After A Break Up

Understand that first and foremost, getting back together with your ex is very psychological, and you NEED to be in the right state of mind mentally.

What do I mean?

You need to be back to the mental state you were before you met your ex.

Let's do an exercise and turn back time to the very first time you met your ex.

I want you to close your eyes and imagine the very first meeting you had with your ex. They have never met you before, and you have never met them before.

You have no idea who he/she is, what they do, or know any of their habits. Your ex is no different from any other stranger that you see every single day when you walk across the road.

Now imagine that your ex walks up to you and the first thing he/she says to you is "Hey, will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?"

What do you think you would have said? Obviously you would say NO. You must think they're crazy. Because firstly, he/she hasn't the slightest clue of who you are, what you do and why they want you to be their girlfriend. They could be a stalker, weirdo, pervert or even a criminal for all you know.

That is where you have to be - "before-you-met-your-ex state of mind", before you are ready to make contact with your ex. Why? Because that is part of being Attractive.

Right now if you were to see your ex and somehow he/she says they don't want to be with you again, are you able to handle it? Can you control yourself from feeling depressed or angry at that point of time? Can you prevent yourself from crying or begging and pleading him to take you back in your life again?

If you can't then, it's not time to reinitiate contact with your ex yet because all those things are unattractive and will not make your ex want to be with you.

Our goal is to get you to become Attractive again in every sense of the word. You can't force someone to like you. You can only attract that person to like you. This is really important for you to grasp and I want you to really grasp this idea if you want any chance of getting back together with your ex.

Attractiveness Defined

The Psychology of Getting Back Together After A Break Up

Getting back together with your ex is a process and a very important part of this is toe make you attractive so he will voluntarily want to be getting back together with you. So how do we make you attractive again?

First you got to understand that Attractiveness is not just looks. That's just a part of it. To be attractive means to be attractive physically in terms of looks and body, to be attractive in your mentality, and to have an attractive personality.

In short, attractiveness is 3 things:

Read that again to yourself over and over again until it's ingrained into your memory.

Only once you are able to make yourself attractive in all 3 aspects, then can we move on to the specific tactics and scripts to get your ex back. But that's for later. First we work on you.

To have yourself look attractive physically is the easy part. But usually that isn't enough to get your ex back. What really gets your ex back to you is when you are attractive in all the 3 aspects. And that's the really hard part.

But here's the good news: You were once attractive in all 3 aspects! That's why your ex got together with you in the first place!

Alright, so now we know what attractiveness is, how do we go about building your attractiveness in all 3 areas in order to be getting back together with your ex?

First of all, we start with your mind. Because your mind is what's controlling your emotions.

Right now, you are probably feeling very emotional, depressed, sad, hurt, betrayed, etc. This is perfectly normal. In fact, I've worked with thousands of people like yourself, and surveyed all of them and they all felt the same way. See some of the responses below:

The Psychology of Getting Back Together After A Break Up

While it is perfectly normal to feel this way, it will NOT get your ex back. In fact, not only will it not get your ex back, but it will drive him/her even further away from you.


Because you have neediness all over you. We have to get rid of that. Fast.

And the way to do that is through No Contact.

The Psychology of No Contact And It's Purpose In Getting Back Together With Your Ex

So by now you have probably heard of the No Contact (NC) rule many times. In fact you may have probably done NC for some time now.

If you haven't heard of NC before, what NC really is, is to cut out all contact with your ex. This can be very essential to getting back together with your ex.

What this means is that you are NOT allowed to:

  • Text your ex
  • Call your ex
  • Meet up with your ex for any reason
  • "Accidentally" bump into your ex
  • Email your ex
  • Leave a voice message for your ex

Basically you can't do anything that lets you have a chance to be in contact with your ex whatsoever.

How long?

Now, there's no fixed formula that says 30 days or 90 days, etc. Some people need 90 days of NC before they are ready to meet their ex. Some need lesser.

But here's the general rule of thumb: At least 30 days, and there's a good reason for it too which I will go into in a bit. (What if we are in situations where we can't avoid contact? I'll go into detail below so don't worry, I've got you covered!)

The Importance of NC

So why do we want to be on NC?

I want to dig deep into this so you understand the importance of NC and why we are not doing NC for the sake of NC but for a bigger purpose.

First of all you have to understand that NC is NOT the strategy. Just by going into NC is not enough. Many people think that NC is the strategy to get your ex back. Not at all.

Imagine yourself as a caterpillar going into a cocoon. During this time in the cocoon (your NC period), you will undergo a huge transformation by working on yourself.

Once you have finished your transformation, you will come out of your cocoon (meaning you will come out of NC) and you will re-emerge as a butterfly. You will become so irresistible that when your ex (still the caterpillar) sees you as the butterfly, your ex can't help but keep chasing after you and will soon be getting back together with you!

The Psychology of Getting Back Together After A Break Up

So right now you are in, what I call, the Cocoon Phase. During this phase you will be in NC which serves 3 main purposes:

  1. To work on your transformation in preparation for when you reinitiate contact with your ex.
  2. To allow your ex's memory of the bad times fade over time.
  3. Let your ex have a chance to miss you.

Working on yourself is the most important aspect of doing NC and in the process of getting back together with your ex. You see, many people think that going on NC just means not being in contact with your ex without working on themselves, and hopefully, magically, things will change for the good and your ex will want to be with you after being in no contact for some time.

This almost never happens.

It's like a caterpillar going into the cocoon phase, only to come out as a caterpillar still!

The Psychology of Getting Back Together After A Break Up

So if you have that kind of thoughts, it's time to let go of it. We want a realistic and well-thought out plan to get your ex back and not leave it to chance.

The other two purposes of NC is what you can't really control. For example, you can't really control how much of your ex's memory of the bad times you two had (i.e. the quarrels, arguments and fights) will fade. It all depends on how bad the situation was with you and your ex. But one thing is for certain - your ex's memory of the time you two had together WILL fade as time passes.

Why NC Works So Well

The reason why NC works so well is that it gives your ex a nice surprise when they see a different you, and can appreciate it because they haven't seen or heard from you for some time.

It's like how a mother can never really tell how much their own child has grown until someone else who hasn't seen the child for some time mentions it to her. The reason is because she is constantly with the child and can't notice the difference.

It's the same as how you never notice how much weight one of your family members have put on gradually because you see them every day!

Like I have emphasized previously, NC is not the strategy. So you can't just do nothing during NC. But don't worry, I've got a lot of tasks for you to do to keep you busy during this period.

How to Initiate NC

When you start going NC, do not tell them that you are not going to be talking to them for a while. It is important that you do not let your ex know that you will be leaving them alone or giving them space as that would defeat the purpose of leaving them alone to wipe their slate clean.

This is also very psychological game. If you tell them that you are going to leave them alone, they will expect it when you do leave them alone. But if you do not tell them, this will create a question mark in their head wondering why. And this is the effect you want. So don't tell that you are not going to be in contact with them.

But what if your ex is the one that is keeping in contact with you?

No problem then. They key aspect is that you are not the one that is initiating the contact. If they do contact you, you must keep the conversation very brief and must important of all, you must portray happiness. And more importantly is if they do contact you, by all means, DO NOT bring up the relationship.

*IMPORTANT TIP* - If they contact you, try as much as possible to NOT pick up the call at this stage. This is because you probably have not got your mindset right yet. When your mindset is not strong, you will be more likely to fumble and start begging or asking questions about their life once you are on the phone with them. I recommend that you message them back instead. Keep your messages short and remember - do not ask them any questions! The key, is to come across as happy and perfectly fine with your break up. Getting back together with your ex is a process so you have to be patient!

Next, when you sound very cool about your ex getting their stuff back from you, they will start to think why.

For in-depth strategies & tactics to get your ex back, click one of the pictures below:
The Psychology of Getting Back Together After A Break Up
The Psychology of Getting Back Together After A Break Up

Why are you sounding so happy?

Why aren't you getting angry or sad when they want to take their stuff back from your place?

Could it be that you have found someone new?

These are some of the questions that will pop up in your ex's head and that's what you want.

And through here, you can subsequently be on your way to getting back together with your ex.

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