Yeah, right.
As I stated last week, my happy stuff is terrible. Comedy and jokes - unless we're talking comedy of the absurd - generally falls within the 'happy' bracket. As such I've never really attempted anything comedic and today's topic had me stumped for anything to write for a bit. Then I remembered an abandoned folder in the back room. I made it about three years ago for an idea I had for a funny story but abandoned it after realising it was too Terry Pratchett. Still, I dig it out every now and then for a good chuckle. I can't write the story here as it needs more room than a blog but here's the basic idea of what I'd planned, think of it in terms of a Shaun of the Dead type character stuck in a Discworld type reality.
An atheist awakens after his death to find himself in purgatory due to an administrative error by the patron saint of personal assistants who has mixed up his name with a recently deceased devout catholic.
It turns out that, far from reaching paradise, being canonised as a patron saint is essentially a ticket to eternal employment by 'The Boss' upstairs (with no holidays) and purgatory is actually a business district of the afterlife where all the patron saints work.
The rules are that a patron saint's job is to take upon themselves the characteristics of their patronage, no matter how unfortunate that field might be. Catholic prayers are answered by God delegating workload to whichever Patron Saint is relevant. The character that explains all this to him could be St Bona, Patron Saint of Tour Guides as she shows him round or Gertrude of Nivelles, Patron Saint of the recently deceased.
The reason I find this funny is the potential for (admittedly one dimensional) comedic characters. Imagine our hero trying to navigate his way out of purgatory by having to interact with this bunch (and this bunch having to interact with each other) You're all intelligent people so I'm going to list some of my favorite Patron Saint topics and you can characterise them yourself. (These are all real saints by the way, check out http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/patron02.htm for a full list)
Against sexual temptation
Against solitary deathAgainst sudden death
Against vermin
Against chilblains (ooh burny)
Against depression (just wants to end it all)
Against fainting
Alcoholics
Ammunition magazines
Hernia
Hesitation
Hoarseness
Against insanity
Against losing keys
Against procrastination
Arm pain
Scabs
Dandruff
Arms dealers!!!!
Bowel disorders
Bomb technicians
Bulimia
Cab drivers
Stammering children
Chimney sweeps
Patron Saint of good confessions
Against caterpillars (da fuk?)
Cramp
Cows
Cigar smokers
Criminals
Chastity
Deafness (what?)
Dieting
Difficult situations
Disappointing children (aww)
Discretion
Natural disasters
Doubt
Drug addicts
Dysfunctional families
Against enemy plots
Fainting
Forgotten causes
Fear of wasps
Girls from rural areas
Hangovers
Herpes
Haemorrhoids
In-law problems
The Internet
Invincible people (I shit you not!)
Juvenile delinquents
Against lightning
Difficult marriages
Minstrels (Dooooown by the Swanniieeeee)
Stiff necks
Oversleeping
Plague
Playing cards
Unattractive people
PR workers
Rabies
Rain - for
Rain - against (mortal enemies!)
Patron Saint for enemies of religion!
Roller skating! (YES!)
Twitching
The list goes on (and on, and on, and on, and...)
I just love the idea of trying to get information from the Patron Saint of sudden death while they keep having heart attacks or getting run over, or everyone avoiding the patron saint against being struck by lightning or the patron saint of herpes. Imagine being promised help to get out of Purgatory by a lovely man who, months later you realize is the patron saint of procrastination or constantly passing the patron saint of losing your keys bedding down in the street.
Of course, going by these rules, the main player in all this would be Jesus, who, as we all know, took on ALL of our sins. I bloody love the idea of a drunken Jesus hanging round with the patron saint of prostitutes and gate crashing the suicide bomber section to snort coke off 70 naked virgins before going on a killing spree (poor Patron Saint of sudden death gets it again!)
Anyway, you get the idea. It's all a bit Anthropomorphic Personification really and that's why I never bothered writing it, but it gave me a chuckle at the time and still does whenever I dig out my Patron Saint lists
Thanks for reading
