While many were remembering those in the armed forces who fought for our freedom or cooking out on the grill to celebrate the unofficial beginning of summer, the most significant cultural event of the year was taking place. You guessed it, on May 24th, 2014, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West finally tied the knot.
After spending a whirlwind week in Paris, complete with Kim celebrating her “last supper” in a Balmain dress with her friends,
a lovely pre-wedding brunch with Valentino in his huge castle Château de Wideville,
and a rehearsal dinner at Versailles that featured a performance by Lana Del Rey (which allegedly cost them a paltry $2.8 million),
many assumed that the wedding we’ve all been waiting to be over would be the definition of bougie, but I can tell you exclusively that was not the case.
Early reports are suggesting that Kim and Kanye were wed in Florence, Italy (allegedly a location near to their hearts because their daughter North was conceived there—am I the only one who gets creeped out when people know specifically where their child was conceived?) at the Forte di Belvedere. Media coverage has also suggested that Andrea Bocelli serenaded the newlyweds and their guests and that Kim was wearing a long-sleeved Givenchy gown. That all sounds befitting of Kimye, but all these reports have been fabricated so the public will truly be shocked when the real details of their fairytale wedding leak on an upcoming episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, but you’re in luck, because I have the real scoop on Kimye’s wedding for you right here, right now.
Kim and Kanye weren’t married in Florence, Italy; in fact, the music video motorcycle-riding duo actually took an economy flight back to the United States to marry in Lost Springs, Wyoming, known for being one of the smallest cities in the country. With the whole Kardashian clan in tow, the population reached heights it hadn’t seen in decades. The pair were married in open field, and they decided that instead of spending a fortune on floral arrangements, they’d simply embrace the breathtaking vegetation that Wyoming is famous for:
Instead of wearing an haute couture gown devised by some famous designer, Kim opted to wear a simple dress from David’s Bridal that was inspired by everyone’s favorite sea witch from The Little Mermaid:
The stunning bridesmaids were all wearing dresses from the Kardashian Kollection, sold exclusively at Sears:
As for the gents’ attire, Kanye was torn between Jos. A. Bank and Men’s Wearhouse, but an unbelievable deal landed this groom in a fine suit from Jos. A. Bank:
The esteemed deejay for the event was none other than the infamous shuffle feature on iTunes, and as a special surprise, Kim arranged for John Truth, a John Legend cover ban, to croon a touching rendition of “All of Me” during Kimye’s first dance as a married couple.
The cuisine was nothing less than divine. Wedding guests dined on Kraft macaroni and cheese, Ball Park hot dogs, Kris Jenner’s famous taco salad, and Scott Disick’s cucumber poppers. Instead of having an opulent tiered cake, Kimye opted for an Entenmann’s:
After much singing, dancing, hay fever suffering, an inexplicable Kanye Twitter rant, and an unpleasant diarrhea outbreak that put all the guests on edge (was it the taco salad or the cucumber poppers???), it was time for this elegant event to come to an end.
Like all of Kim’s weddings, everything seemed to end so soon after it started. Kanye and Kim bid their guests farewell and were off to celebrate their honeymoon in luxury: a hot tub room at the Hampton Inn in Branson, Missouri.
Best wishes to Kim and Kanye as they start their lives together as a married couple! …I promise that was more sincere than the picture Beyoncé’s publicist posted on her Instagram this weekend:
