Most of the information we have about grief comes from observations and biographical stories rather than from research and analysis. Most of what we know about grief we have learned in the last thirty years. When I started writing about the subject in 1979, I read all the books I could find. That was three or four books. Today we could fill a good sized room with books on grief, most of which were written from someone’s personal experience with a loss. Others have been written by folks like me who have certainly gone through grief but have also been in a position to companion and observe many other’s grief journeys. I often say that most of what I know about grief was taught to me by listening to the stories of others.
Quite often, I will begin noticing what looks like a trend in the way some segment of folks are responding to grief. Usually, the trend will not make any sense to me at first and I will almost dismiss the idea of there being a trend. Over time, it will become clear whether I am seeing a trend or just some individuals responding in their own way to a loss. If it is clear that I am seeing a trend, then I look for some person’s story that will clarify why people are responding in this way. Eating disorders as a response to grief was just such a slow developing concept for me. It is still developing and so far I have not found any others who have observed it or, if they have, they either have not written about it or I have not found what they wrote. This means what you are about to read is just my idea and should be looked upon as that. I hope you will take what I say with a grain of salt and go think it through for yourself. That is wise no matter whose blog you are reading.
I first noticed the connection between grief and eating disorders when a teenage girl suddenly developed very serious symptoms a few months after her brother was killed in an automobile accident. She was a very intelligent, popular student whom everyone loved. She made good grades in school, had a great relationship with her parents and would have fit anyone’s definition of the All American Girl. At first she seemed to handle the death of her brother quite well. She seemed to express her grief openly and without hesitation or fear. I am sure most of us thought her eating disorder was the result of the limelight suddenly being focused solely on her brother and this was a cry for attention on her part. Fortunately, they caught it early and found someone to work with her and she was able to get the condition under control.
I accepted that explanation until a chance remark from a young woman who binged and purged on a far too regular basis. One day out of the blue, she asked me if I wanted to know the real reason she purged. I said I really would like to know, and she said, “That is the only thing I can be totally in control of. That is the one thing I can do and no one can stop me.” Have you ever had a light bulb go off in your head? One did so for me that day. The bottom line in eating disorder is the need to feel in control. If the disorder is deeply ingrained enough it becomes the need to control every aspect of ones own body.
Then I saw the classic example. One day a young girl of nine was experiencing life with not a worry in the world. She lived in a wealthy and very happy family with her father, mother, and older brother. Life was idyllic and in control in every way. Her father caught an early flight to get home for her brother’s birthday, the plane crashed and he died. A nine year old instantly went from a life of safety and control to a life out of control and full of danger. Nothing or no one could be depended upon. Everything could be taken away in a moment. Everything in her life became temporary and out of control.
One day her mother walked into her room and found her crying. The mother broke down as well and they had a scary and hysterical experience that seemed to last for hours. When they finally got things under control the mother asked what she could do to help the daughter. The daughter replied, “If you just won’t cry any more.” They made a pack that night to not cry again and they kept their word. They never cried in front of each other again. When a nine year old decides to control grief rather than share it, and when her whole world seems to be spinning out of control, it seems logical that she could gradually seek to control more and more of her life and surroundings even to what the food did after she ate it. Her eating disorder led to substance abuse which seemed to be just the opposite of the need to be in control, but may have been the only way she could ever be out of control long enough to let some of the pressure off.
Do I think all eating disorders come from grief? Not at all. Neither do I think every child who must go through grief will respond in this way. I do think there is enough evidence to warrant our keeping a watchful eye for signs of this happening and for us to create safe places where children can talk not only about the loss of a loved one, but also the loss of security and control. Life can turn from a place of peace to a world of danger in an instant. When it does, children need a way to find security again.
Copyright Doug Manning of In-Sight Books, Inc. Doug’s books, CDs and DVDs are available at www.insightbooks.com. Post originally published on Doug’s Blog at The Care Community www.thecarecommunity.com.
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