One thing that makes me insanely proud to be part of this generation is our determination to be heard. Never before has the world been so open to talk about personal experiences that have shaped our lives.
I want to be part of it. I want to encourage us all, men, women and individuals, to speak about the first time something changed our lives. The first time something hurt us, the first time we were proud of ourselves, the first time we felt passionate about a subject. I want to talk about the first time.
When I think about my life, and the things that have shaped who I am today, I think of several situations, but one that always sticks in my mind is the first time someone called me ‘fat’.
Believe it or not, I was just 7 years old when someone at the school I attended called me ‘fat’. I certainly don’t hold a grudge against this person now of course, but It made me a different person.
I was playing with my friends during school break and a little boy taunted me for not running as fast as the others. Being 7, I didn’t really have any insecurities (other than my huge glasses!) and so didn’t think much of it. Later at lunch, I was collecting my packed lunch and the same little boy called me ‘fatty’. I remember there and then feeling insecure about my weight for the first time. It changed my life forever. I don’t blame the boy, he was 7 years old and probably forgot about it the minute he said it, but isn't it amazing how one little comment can impact our lives?
What was said was far from earth shattering, but it was there and then that I began having issues with body image. At the age of 7.
I grew to be afraid of eating in front of other school kids, I sat in the shed by myself a lot, I cried during gym because I was so afraid I’d be laughed at if I wasn’t able to run as fast as everyone else. I ate my lunch in the cloakroom where I discarded the wrappers in my shoe bag. I remember distinctly being given ‘library duty’ (punishment) because my shoe bag was full of litter.
As I’m writing this, I’m taunting myself. Torturing myself, you might say, because I was such a ‘loser’. Instead of trying to be active with the other kids, I would sing or start little bands with friends so I didn’t have to run around and risk being laughed at. As a result, I stayed ‘chubby’ and would continue that mindset at home where I felt like I had to eat in private.
I’d eat in my room or when the plates were being cleared, I’d steal something to eat on my own, like it was my own secret rebellion or something. I just got it into my head that I had to eat secretly, and that didn’t matter if it was my lunch or stealing snacks from the kitchen.
I’m actually ashamed of myself writing this. It’s the most open I’ve ever been with my readers and it’s not something I can say I’m proud of but that is what this is all about, being open, so that other people don't feel weird about their experiences. If this kind of thing had been talked about when I was growing up, I might not have had the same issues I have today.
Even as a teenager, I would eat my lunch in the changing rooms before lunch break so that no one could see me eat. I remember having a boyfriend and he always asked me why I wasn’t eating and I’d just say ‘oh I’m not hungry’ or ‘I never eat lunch’ which obviously, isn’t true.
I’m ashamed to admit that even to this day, In front of female friends I’m always fine, (bring on the pizza!) but even eating a bag of crisps in front of a guy makes me want to cry.
I’ve been called ‘fat’ more times than I can count in my life so I’m certainly not pinning this all on a 7 year old boy, but the first time I was called fat ultimately lead to body dysmorphia that even at 31 years old, I struggle with.
A lot of people will be wondering why I just haven’t lost weight. The truth is, that there’s so many reasons. For starters, I have hormonal issues that cause weight gain. Aside from that, I’m terrified. I KNOW how to be fat. I don’t know how to be slim, I don’t want to lose weight and then to still feel insecure about my body or find something else to be insecure about. Truthfully, I have it in my head that every problem can be answered with ‘it’s because I’m fat’. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s because I’m fat. If I don’t make a million quid, it’s because I’m fat...
My ‘fat’ is to blame for everything. I don’t want to think that someone doesn’t like me because I’m not a nice person. It’s easier for me to be fat and say ‘it’s because I’m fat’.
I’m also stuck between that hard place of wanting to lose weight and then having that ‘I shouldn’t have to lose weight to suit society’ mentality.
I look at other women who are my size, some bigger, some smaller, and it never crosses my mind to think negatively of them. I always think they look incredible but then can’t relate that same feeling to myself. If you’re reading this and are curvy like me, please don’t think that I think ‘fat is not attractive’. I just don’t think MY fat is attractive. I think you all look incredible and I often envy the bodies of women who are my size or bigger. I just can’t relate it to myself. (I hope that makes sense!).
At the moment I’m working on my health, both physical and mental. I really have some work to do on myself, FOR myself, not to indulge in the insecurities of my seven year old self.
The first time I was called fat changed my life. It shaped who I am today.
I’d love to hear about the first time something changed your life, and if any of you choose to write a blog post on it, please let me know so I can share it in a list below and on social media.
Alternatively, if you’d prefer, tweet me @hollysturgeon and use the hashtag #thefirsttime to join in the discussion.
This is the rawest post I’ve ever written to date, so please be kind to me and to others sharing their experiences.
2018 is definitely the year of conversation, we’ve got this!
H x
