In case you’ve been hiding out in your red room of pain for the past six days, you may have missed that the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer has been released, and apparently it’s the most watched movie trailer of 2014 (because I guess we keep track of that stuff).
I admit this with more shame than pride, but I actually read all three books in FSOG trilogy–which means I didn’t miss the part where the mercurial Christian Grey removes Miss Anastasia’s Steele’s tampon for her so they could bone! If you haven’t read it, let me assure you that the story was implausible, the characters were fifty shades of annoying most of the time, and while some of the sexual encounters were okay, I find it’s sometimes hard to read books with sex in them as a writer, because you can pinpoint every spot where you’d do something differently/better.
Regardless of my thoughts, the Internet is abuzz with freaks in the sheets talking about they can’t stop watching the trailer, so I figured I had to see what all the fuss was about. After all, I’m already down this rabbit hole— I feel like there’s a sexual remark that should be made about holes there, but I’ll spare you to preserve whatever fleeting artifice of class and sophistication I have left.
Here’s a real-time breakdown of the trailer:
:02 – This is the kind of music I want to play at my funeral.
:10 – I wish I could have bangs that wouldn’t curl up like tiny goat horns.
:17 – I love those office doors! The door casting was on point. I may be a little turned on by the interior design of this office space.
:18 – I wonder how she knew to push and not pull? I would’ve pulled.
:32 – I’ve never been intimidated by a man who drums only one finger. Is that even technically a drum?
:38 – I find that hexagon sculpture on the right to be remarkably unsexy.
:48 – “Booo hoo, just look at me! My questionable outfit can only mean I’m uninteresting live a boring life! Sweep me away and flog me to add intrigue to my otherwise banal existence!”
:51 – WHY ARE ELEVATORS ALWAYS USED TO ILLUSTRATE SEXUAL TENSION? Have you seen Grey’s Anatomy? Why are we not all outraged that such a literal manifestation of up/down has become the go-to visual symbol of unresolved physical chemistry?
:59 – What’s boring are all the trying-too-hard-to-be-furtive glances in this trailer so far.
1:06 – “This Valentine’s Day, take your date to a movie that will give them all the wrong ideas about your preferences in the bedroom!”
1:11 – Oh, they’re passionately kissing in the elevator.
1:15 – BUT THIS IS A GOOD COVER OF “CRAZY IN LOVE”!
1:17 – I think an offer to go up in a helicopter is when I’d use my safe word. I don’t trust propellers.
1:35 – Call me prude, but I think under the table funny business when your FAMILY is present is really weird. It’s like voyeur incest.
1:36 – I think movies and television show men walking around the house shirtless and in jeans a lot more than that actually happens. Men aren’t wearing jeans and skulking sexily around the house.
1:48 – I feel like I’m supposed to be stirred by this look (but I’m not).
1:57 – Anastasia be in the room like, DA FAQ IS THIS I THOUGHT YOU WERE SHOWING ME AN AQUARIUM
2:02 – Could also be an exorcism happening.
2:14 – A new song to add to my Beyoncé collection!
I’m hardly an authority on what’s sexy (right now I’m semi-stalking a hot conductor on my evening train and I’m a little curious what sex with Louis CK would be like), but this trailer didn’t do it for me.
Can I just say something icky really quick? I have no interest in seeing the two actors they cast as the leads in this movie having sex of any kind. I know that’s shallow and for that I’m sorry, but these people just aren’t my type. They look too… common!
This looks like the kind of picture a couple takes at Sears after they get engaged, but they’ve both wanted to break up for six months to a year.
I feel like I’ve already seen this couple canoodling in line at Panera Bread. They don’t even have any qualities that make me curious about how they get down. I don’t even hate them enough to have a disgust-driven sexual inquisitiveness about them! If Charlie Hunnam hadn’t walked away from the movie (thereby saving his reputation on set of Sons of Anarchy and his overall acting career in general), and let’s imagine they cast Eva Green as Anastasia…
Now we’re talkin’.
What’d you think of the trailer? What actor/actress would have it made it better for you, or do Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson light your fire? Are you going to actually see this in the theater when it comes out, and if so, how friendly are you going to get with the strangers you sit beside?
