Leave the past behind
Recently the subject of exes has come up a fair bit, ironically at a period around which the X Factor blessed our television screens once again. This got me thinking about the synonymy between the X Factor and the ex- factor. I have amused myself by identifying a fair few which I now present in a much edited form in this blog. This all started when I recently moved to my new apartment only to find that my ex had also recently moved to my apartment block a couple of floors above me. This brings my to the comparable point number 1: Much like X-Factor contestants you either never hear anything from them again apart from the odd underwhelming and non-consequential local update which also eventually fizzle out, or you can’t bloody get away from them being rammed down your throat!
It then followed that I had quite a few bumps into my ex which understandably lead to the discomfort of my boyfriend. In addition to this coincidental relationship inconvenience, I then started getting prompted by facebook to make friends with two of my boyfriends exes- which is never really a heartening experience. Note to facebook: it is never really going to be logical to prompt partners to commence a friendship with exes of their other halves least of all attempting to do so over the internet. That would never be creepy, would it?! Meanwhile one of my boyfriend’s exes was sparking up communication with him.
As the situation stood, our relationship was pretty much being bombarded by past partners wishing to engage in communication. My question is why? I have always liked the idea of remaining friends with ex boyfriends, yet they never seemed that keen on it which is understandable. However, years down the line when that part of your life has happened, been accepted and moved on from, what is the appeal of restarting repartee? It would be different if you had remained friends, but when the split is rather final and to some extent abrupt, what makes someone then want to be friends again? Maybe their memory suddenly becomes clearer and less tainted by emotion involving the split and they now remember the qualities that would make you a good friend these days. Are they really lacking in friends so much so that they want to revisit their past consort of acquaintances to start forging new friendships with? Perhaps that’s not fair and the intention is completely transparent and favourable but I think if they want to start making friendships in this way, it deserves a frank and honest discussion straight off!
In absence of this and in presence of everything else ex-related they then come to share their second similarity with the X Factor: causing a lot of unnecessary noise! In this period of ex-bombardment, there was a lot of tension created leading to some pretty heated arguments within my relationship. Looking back in retrospect it was rather unnecessary, but the problem was the sudden presence of an ex/exes causes confusion and it is not always clear how to behave. I initially was of the opinion that I had never had hostile feeling for my ex so wouldn’t see the problem if he wanted to be friends again. Not like go-out-and-grab-dinner-friends and welcome-to-my-inner-circle-friends, but have-the-occasional-catch-up-friends.
I have to be honest I didn’t think much further than that which neglected thought about the possible complexities arising from final details such as the venue of the catch up. Of course these details are important to the comfort of your partner and hence there was some rowing. I think another factor was my stubborn inclination to remain fiercely independent and not allow anyone else to have influence over who I chose to become friends with and how to conduct my friendships. This of course is silly as relationships are about consideration and compromise. I now recognise that that inclination was misplaced in that situation. However the cause of the inclination arising was the rearing of the ugly ex head which consequently can have attributed to it, all of the unnecessary noise that occurred.
I think part of the noise that exes create is down to the third feature that the ex-factor shares with the X- Factor: They are overrated. Just as in the X Factor when I find myself sitting in disbelief as I watch judges cry, smiling tearily as they emotionally clap a decidedly average performance from a contestant with a sob story, exes are given too much emphasis. The conceptual consideration of a partner’s ex is that they will have had a big impact on their life, therefore will mean a lot to that person; they were once in love, therefore there must still be some feeling there and similarly they once had lustful feelings for each other so may well do now.
Personally I disagree with all of these statements due to my own personal experience. Just because I have loved once, doesn’t mean I do now - there is a reason a relationship ends and stays ended and it ain’t because a couple remain in love! Following on from that, just because I once fancied someone doesn’t mean I even consider them in that way whatsoever now when I was a kid I fancied Jarvis Cocker! Strange, I know, but my point is that this is far from my reaction to Jarvis Cocker now! I concede that exes can be big parts of a person’s life and have been to me, but what I value is the experience that has allowed me to progress to where I am now, which does not involve them at all. That means a lot more than what they may have contributed in my past.
This is my logic anyway, but I realise that logic does not always overcome emotion and these are inevitably raised when the ex-factor comes into play. For the many of those for whom this is an issue, it may be possible to construct a friendship with an ex based on terms that keep your partner comfortable and happy, whilst struggling to mentally adjust their natural and automatic conceptions of friendships with exes. However, in my opinion it is not likely to be worth the combat against such naturally occurring emotions that are bound to be felt by your partner. The ratios of reward to hassle is going to be way out-balanced. What real reward are you going to get out of a friendship with an ex? And how much is this going to upset and unease your partner?
In contrast to how it may appear in this entry,I am not militantly opposed to friendship with exes or indeed the X Factor. I do however, regard both as relatively non-consequential with some very poignant flaws. My feelings are that if you didn’t remain friends post-break up there must be a reason for this and it is likely to lie with the ex that then decides to get back in touch way down the line. I would therefore give the exes the same advice that I would give unsuccessful candidates of the X Factor: move on and get a new direction, mate!
