Diaries Magazine

THE EVOLUTION. A Journey of Bad Hair, No Makeup & Self Discovery.

By Xotanja @xotanja
Since the icky part of introduction and writing my very first entry is behind us, I can finally move pass social awkwardness and come out of my cocoon! I'm a butterfly, damn it! 
Ever look at old photos of yourself and think...''F**k...did I really look like that? Did I really go out in public like that?''

Throughout my 20 years of living on this wonderful planet, I can safely admit that I've only been taking care of myself for roughly 5 years. And I don't mean 'taking care of myself' like I've been eating healthier or quit smoking (which are next on my to-do-list.) 

I mean, I didn't f**king take care of myself as a LADY! I would look through the pages of magazines that my older sister would splurge on and yawn. I'd flip through a 20 page spread of 'A tribute to Marilyn Monroe', thinking to myself how amazingly glamorous and beautiful she was. Yet, I never wanted to do the same for myself. I never looked up to that same beauty and self-care like I do today. And I'll tell you why I didn't:THE EVOLUTION. A journey of bad hair, no makeup & self discovery.I WAS SO LAZY!!!!!&I HAD LOW SELF ESTEEM!!!!THE EVOLUTION. A journey of bad hair, no makeup & self discovery.
We as woman practically have a duty to look our best. It's like a second job. To some, it's even a first job. Once out of the shower: the hair, makeup, trim, wax, cut, spray, pamper time COMMENCES! And for some reason, some people either have a problem with this entirely or they only devote their lives to this. 
  • Some people believe dressing nicely or doing makeup is just a way to cover up low self confidence. I disagree. 
  • Some people get so air headed, get so full of themselves, bring their standards so high it's practically hitting the Hubble Ultra-deep field in space...they forget that they're human, just like everyone else. 
It's a shame when a woman doesn't feel good about herself because she doesn't have the silkiest hair, or her eyes aren't light enough or she has a bit of cellulite on her legs. But we live in a day & age where looks overthrow everything else. Do I agree with this? No, of course not. The value of a woman is not measured by the length of her skirt or the size of her chest, it's how she feels on the inside that matters. When you take care of yourself from the inside, out, and YOU feel good about yourself...all the negativity just slides right off you. That's one of the lessons I've learned in life. Love yourself.
THE EVOLUTION. A journey of bad hair, no makeup & self discovery.
My mixture of laziness & low self esteem was a killer. When I'd have the slightest ounce of courage I needed, I was too lazy to do anything. When I felt full of energy, I'd be too self-conscious to do anything. ''Would this look right on me?'' ''This eye shadow is too much for my eyes.'' '''Oh God, mama will kill me if she sees my hair.''
And the list went on and on and on...
Thankfully, I woke up. I knew I was unhappy. I felt worthless, ugly, small. People talked so harshly and badly about me & the way I looked.I'm sure everyone has those type of leeches in their lives. But the most important thing you can do is smile and keep on walking. Don't let the things other people say about you, effect you, because that's exactly what they want. I know, sick and demented right? If I let half the things people told me during middle school or high school effect me, I would've jumped off a cliff. As you grow up, you realize these people DON'T MATTER! What will they be in another 10 years 5 years? NOTHING. A distant memory, a blur, a nameless face who just happened to have History class with you.WAY before blossoming into the beauty-crazed young lady I am today; I was a little grunge kid. I wore flannel, ripped jeans and dyed my hair with kool-aid like it was nobodies business! This, stirred a lot of attention, but not the type I wanted. THE EVOLUTION. A journey of bad hair, no makeup & self discovery.Greasy, gross, punk, nasty, ugly, tom-boy, lesbian, dyke. 
You name it! I was the locker room discussion delight. Even though it was all killing me on the inside, my brain somehow made it's own defense mechanism. It was called 'I DON'T GIVE A FLYING F**K!' And it was very destructive. But soon enough I realized, it wasn't destructive to anyone else but ME. But it was already too late to reverse the damage.''Oh yeah, you want a greasy, gross, nasty punk? I'll give you one.''  This is what my mind was thinking constantly. This was so self destructive. I started becoming rebellious. If you call me a punk, I'll become what you say I am. Skipping school, going to parties, becoming very depressed, feeling so misunderstood. Literally, not-giving-a-flying-f**k about anythingBefore I get into any detail: I WOKE UP!
I wasn't doing anythingto better myself, I was only beating myself more into the ground. Why? Becauseof what other people thought of me? Because of an image I wanted to create?Because I wanted to be cool, rebellious, different? No. Screw that! I did a complete turn around. I took better care of myself, did all the research, bought all the products, went to beauty school after I graduated high school, eventually nabbed an internship at M.A.C cosmetics! Where I learned more from being at the desk than I ever did when I was in the school, so I dropped out before I completed my studies. But I don't regret it! I'M GLEAMING!I went to my local Duene Reade, spent at least $100+ just pampering my womanly senses with goodies. Cleansers, moisturizer, building my embryonic makeup collection, hair straighteners, rollers, curlers!!!I went across the street to a small Punjabi beauty parlor. That lovely woman transformed my face, literally TRANSFORMED my face! Today, as a freelance makeup artist, I can't stress enough the importance of having well groomed & defined eyebrows!BEFORE (never once plucked eyebrows):THE EVOLUTION. A journey of bad hair, no makeup & self discovery.
AFTER (finally plucked eyebrows): THE EVOLUTION. A journey of bad hair, no makeup & self discovery.
Girls & guys, there is nothing wrong with looking good and strutting your stuff! But first, do some soul searching. Feel good with yourself, be confident! The most important person to you IS you!Love yourself.Come back soon, ya'll! -Tanja xoxo

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