Diaries Magazine

The Do’s and Don’ts of British Boyfriends

By Adventuresinamyland

The Do’s and Don’ts of British Boyfriends Photo by author.

Navigating the territory between your culture and your foreign sweetheart’s culture can be daunting at times. Don’t worry though, if this stuff doesn’t blow over, you can always procure yourself a Frenchman, or maybe even a Spaniard.

1. Do… pretend that you’re interested in his favourite football (read: soccer) team. This is especially important around the time of the Premiership League, the Carling Cup, etc. (i.e. British boyfriend’s time of the month).

Don’t... buy a thong with the Chelsea emblem because you think that the blue/white colour combo is totally better than his team’s ketchup/mustard combo. This will lead to resentment and yes, it really is your fault.

2. Do… make his tea searing hot and with milk.

Don’t… incessantly ask him why he would ruin a perfectly good cup of herbal, organic tea by adding an animal by-product to it.

3. Do… get used to being called darling and dear even though at first you may feel like a married, elderly woman. Do reciprocate with these pet names.

Don’t… let him refer to you, or any other person with a uterus, as a bird. (When did Harry get himself that old bird?!)

4. Do.. try to integrate into his culture by eating Britain’s favourite dish: curry.

Don’t… be upset that he is possibly the only Brit that doesn’t actually like curry and don’t say that you two are ‘meant to be’ just because he prefers your people’s food (pizza, burgers, and fries) to said curry.

5. Do.. enjoy the fact that his mother will never ask you, out of sheer English politeness, when you two are getting married and when she can expect grandkids.

Don’t… tell your own mother that, if you two do end up together, her grandkids will be called Charlie, Harry, or Liam (for the boys) or, Sophie, Livvi, or Kate (for the girls). Don’t even mention that their middle names will be something unfortunate like Crispin or Regina (pronounced sounding like vagina). Also, don’t laugh when your British boyfriend pronounces vaginal vuh-jai-nawl instead of vaj-i-nuhl, because he will not be amused when you do so.

6. Do… promise that you will start dressing like all the other English girls by wearing festival style clothing (jean shorts, fringe top, Ray-bans, brown leather bag, Wellies) when he buys you a pair of Wellies.

Don’t… tell him after he buys you Wellies that you are still in need of some Ray-bans and really just wanted the Wellies so that your Steve Madden flats wouldn’t get wet on the way into uni.

7. Do… speak his language during a fight. (I recommend Knickers in a Twist: A Dictionary of British Slang by Jonathan Bernstein.)

Don’t… use too many Britishisms in one sentence.(Oi! You’re the one that was done up like a kipper looking like a right ponce, and it smelled well rank in there, too!)  This leads you away from what you’re actually trying to say in lieu of merely ‘speaking his language,’ which isn’t the whole point.

8. Do… insist that you find his respect for ol’ Betty endearing.

Don’t… question the monarchy. I repeat, don’t question the monarchy.

Good luck, ladies!

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