Every March I’m peer pressured to succumb to my baser instincts. I’ve been successful in my abstinence for so long, but this year, curiosity drove me to try my very first Shamrock Shake from McDonald’s.
I’ve never understood the Shamrock Shake mystique. Who looks forward to a seasonal minty shake from McDonald’s, no less? Full disclosure: I’m not a big mint fan. I don’t mind it in my gum, in candy cane form, or in my mouth after a breath-compromising meal, but unless it’s mixed with chocolate, I don’t like mint to be incorporated into my desserts. Nevertheless, I simply had to understand what all the hype was about. My reservations aside, what if I was missing out on something great? I don’t normally equate greatness with McDonald’s, but they do have some gems (I’m clearly referencing the McChicken and the McFlurry here).
So I decided to document my foray into the society of Shamrock Shake consumers, from the ambivalent moments in the McDonald’s drive-thru to my very first taste. Without further ado, I present to you, the 13 stages of trying a Shamrock Shake for the first time:
1. (Un)wavering Determination
I’d estimate there are roughly 12 cars in the drive-thru right now. Is this really worth it?
2. Post-Order Commitment
It’s too late to turn back now–I’ve solidified my place in the one-way drive-thru traffic pattern! …I already regret this.
3. Fear
What if someone I know sees me here…
4. First Window Faltering
I paid! Technically, I could drive away guilt-free! It’s not too soon to back out of this!
5. Second Window Shrugging
After all this, I’m really going for it. There’s no turning back now! I guess.
6. Off-Center Cherry Chagrin
This first impression was a bit of a let-down, not gonna lie.
7. Health Hesitations
Uh, what the fuck is this green slime? I’m not sure if this looks more like nuclear waste or something from the Nickelodeon channel.
(To answer what it is exactly:
Milk, Sugar, Cream, Nonfat Milk Solids, Corn Syrup Solids, Mono- and Diglycerides, Guar Gum, Dextrose, Sodium Citrate, Artificial Vanilla Flavor, Sodium Phosphate, Carrageenan, Disodium Phosphate, Cellulose Gum, Vitamin A Palmitate, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Corn Syrup, More Water, More Sugar, Natural Flavor (Plant Source), Xanthan Gum, Citric Acid, Sodium Benzoate (Preservative), Yellow 5, Blue 1, More Cream, More Nonfat Milk, More Corn Syrup, More Sugar, More High Fructose Corn Syrup, Contains Less Than 1%: Mono-And Diglycerides, More Carrageenan, Polysorbate 80, Beta Carotene (Color), Natural (Dairy and Plant Sources) and Artificial Flavor, Mixed Tocopherols (Vitamin E) to Protect Flavor, Whipping Propellant (Nitrous Oxide), Cherries, More Water, More Corn Syrup, More High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar, Malic Acid, Citric Acid, Natural (Plant Source) and Artificial Flavors, More Sodium Benzoate, Potassium Sorbate (Preservative), Red 40, Sulfur Dioxide as Preservative (Contains Sulfites)
I think mine was a little heavy on the Yellow 5.)
8. Misguided Optimism
Most things that taste good aren’t good for you! Here goes nothing!
9. Mild Disgust
Wow. That’s not what I expected at all. Um…
10. Determination
This is new to me! I really need to give it a chance!
11. Abject Horror
Okay, no, this is really fucking gross. Did McDonald’s use Colgate toothpaste to flavor this? I’m pretty sure a homeless person could brush his or her teeth with this and be moderately okay.
12. Wrath
Two dollars and change and fifteen minutes of my life I’ll never get back. I don’t know why anyone would look forward to you ever year.
13. Catharsis
Lesson learned. I’ll never be curious about popular seasonal desserts from McDonald’s ever again.
Do you like the Shamrock Shake? If so, what’s wrong with you exactly?
