Humor Magazine

Terror in the Ville

By Dmroughton
This past weekend's planned divergence from Atkins:
Friday night:
  • ice cream
  • pop corn
  • orange flavored Air Head candy
  • two bacon sandwiches - ahhhhhh, bread!
  • a fresh Krispy Kreme doughnut
  • potato salad
  • baked beans
  • cake!
  • half a half gallon of Captain Morgan
  • Big Mac meal from McDonalds - OMG fresh fries from Mickey D's!!!!
  • two burgers from the grill on Sound Side
  • potato salad
  • half a bag of cheese waffle snacks
  • chocolate covered granola bar
  • Cherry flavored air head candy
Primary effects:
  • carb craving eradicated for probably two weeks
  • net gain (mostly water weight) of 7 pounds
Seconday effect:
All morning I kept hearing some vibrations coming from the bathroom. It gets pretty windy out here in Weeksville, so I assumed it was the air vent rattling from some downdraft. But, for once, it was not overly windy this morning.
My second thought was that maybe there was a mouse in there because they are plowing the fields around here and could be sending the mice running for cover. However, I have never seen a mouse in the 5 years I have lived here, and there was still not one this morning.
Then my mind started racing. Snake? No way! Not a snake in my house?!?!??! So with baseball bat in hand, I crept on tip toe into the bathroom. After all, the only good snake is a dead snake.
However, as soon as I peeked in the bathroom, the source of the rattling became obvious. My poor scales, aware of my weekend carb orgy, were in the corner trembling in abject terror. As soon as they saw the bat in my hand, they screeched a high pitched little girly squeal and darted out of the bathroom.
I chased them around the house three times, tripping over my own dumb feet two times in the process, until the scales finally dove under the bed where I can't reach them. And that is where they have sat trembling for these two hours now, and no amount of coaxing will get them to come out.
So it appears, I will not be able to give you all a weight loss update until later this week when I have dropped the weekend splurge weight, and the scales' trepidation subsides.

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